November 2002 rediagnosed with a recurring tumor I am going to bring you through the whole fun thing
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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.
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Brain Tumor History And Other Rants
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Tuesday, August 30, 2005
I have my long term disability approved! Yeah the fight is over. Now I need to search NYC for my 6th neuro-onc, because my current one iin NJ just doesn't have the experience to treat me, this is only the 6th search of this kind I have 3 NYC dr's to check ou at present time, so I am busy writing this instead..... I will try to report more on this exciting search, some people can't find good mates, I need a great doc.
11:27 AM
Monday, August 15, 2005
I just feel like there are so many pieces pulling and pushing at me at once that I am waiting to hit the wall. And my wall has a first name it's chemo. I won't have any choice at that point to just crawl around and be messed up. I hate being in this place... a stick just ready to snap, cracked.... just han't snapped yet. Yet.
3:19 PM
Thursday, August 11, 2005
The countdown to chemo is on... who's excited? For every day I am sick I need a volunteer to get drunk to justify my sickness, most of my friends are to old to drink like that anymore, I said most..... I guess you get these days where it feels like you can't even help yourself. I remember the last time I felt this way, it was around my first re-occurence surgery and chemo. The whole experience can be real isolating. So we self-loathe. The daytimes are very lonely.. Just me and my monkey in my head rattling my cage of how bad can it be? I've been through worse right? right? No one knows and if they do they aren't telling. No one can know. Here's one for ya' it'll make you giggle their theory on why the insurance won't pay is cause I should be dead already, I should have not made it this far. Cheery. If it don't make you laugh at least it gives some perspective to how much time we waste in life, like the time I am buying now. One day we will all run out of time bought like parking meter's the cars either leave on time or get ticketed booted or towed, either way they getcha. I know why complain when you don't have to go to work. But if that would mean my health and not having some nuts insurance company decide whether you are going to be homeless.... I would work, look at both sides of this. My doctors office said after all I have been through how could they claim this? They thought I should have a lawyer fight them, and offered to supply any help I need. My Dr's office RULES!!!!
Lou Reed
Sword Of Damocles - ExternallyI see The Sword of Damocles is right above your headThey're trying a new treatment to get you out of bedBut radiation kills both bad and goodit can not differentiateSo to cure you they must kill youThe Sword of Damocles hangs above your headNow I have seen lots of peoples diefrom car crashes or drugsLast night on 33rd st. I saw a kid get hit by a busBus this drawn out torture over which part of you livesis very hard to takeTo cure you they must kill youThe Sword of Damocles above your headThat mix of morphine and dexedrinewe use it on the streetIt kills the pain and keeps you upyour very soul to keepBut this guessing game has its own rulesthe good don't always winand might makes rightThe Sword of Damoclesis hanging above your headIt seems everything's done that must be donefrom over here though things don't seem fairBut there are things that we can't knowmaybe there's something over thereSome other world that we don't know aboutI know you hate that mystic shitIt's just another way of seeingThe Sword of Damocles above your head
Lou Reed From album magic and loss
Magician
Magician, magicianTake me upon your wings, andGently roll the clouds awayI’m sorry, so sorryI have no incantationsOnly words to help sweep me awayI want some magic to sweep me awayI want some magic to sweep me awayI want to count to fiveTurn around and find myself goneFly through the stormAnd wake up in the calmRelease me from this bodyFrom this bulk that moves beside meLet me leave this body far awayI’m sick of looking at meI hate this painful bodyThat disease has slowly worm awayMagician take my spiritInside I’m young and vitalInside I’m alive, please take me awaySo many things to do, it’s too earlyFor my life to be endingFor this body, to simply rot awayI want some magic to keep me aliveI want a miracle, I don’t want to dieI’m afraid that if I go to sleep I’ll never wakeI’ll no longer existI’ll close my eyes and disappearAnd float into the mistSomebody, please hear meMy hand can’t hold a cup of coffeeMy fingers are weak, things just fall awayInside I’m young and prettyToo many things unfinishedMy very breath taken awayDoctor you’re no magicianAnd I am no believerI need more than faith can give me nowI want to believe in miraclesNot just belief in numbersI need some magic to take me awayI want some magic to sweep me awayI want some magic to sweep me awayVisit on this starlit nightReplace the stars the moon the light, the sun’s goneFly me through this stormAnd wake up in the calmI fly right through this stormAnd I wake, up, in, the, calm
Lou Reed Album Magic and Loss
What’s Good
Life’s like a mayonnaise sodaAnd life’s like space without roomAnd life’s like bacon and ice creamThat’s what life’s like without youLife’s like forever becomingBut life’s forever dealing in hurtNow life’s like death without livingThat’s what life’s like without youLife’s like sanskrit read to a ponyI see you in my mind’s eye strangling on your tongueWhat’s good is knowing such devotionI’ve been around - I know what makes things runWhat good is seeing eye chocolateWhat good’s a computerized noseAnd what good was cancer in aprilWhy no good - no good at allWhat good’s a war without killingWhat good is rain that falls upWhat good’s a disease that won’t hurt youWhy no good, I guess, no good at allWhat good are these thoughts that I’m thinkingIt must be better not to be thinking at allA styrofoam lover with emotions of concreteNo not much, not much at allWhat’s good is life without livingWhat good’s this lion that barksYou loved a life others throw away nightlyIt’s not fair, not fair at allWhat’s good? Oh, baby, what’s good? What’s good? What’s good? not much at allHey, baby, what’s good? (what’s good? )What’s good? (what’s good? )What’s good? (what’s good? ) not much at allWhat’s good? (what’s good? )What’s good? (life’s good)Life’s good (life’s good)What’s good? (life’s good) but not fair at all
5:02 PM
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
I will call / fax / email someone everyday if I have to I will win this insurance battle that you weasles are trying to sneak out on. I guarantee I have more free time to haunt you.....
3:54 PM
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
8/9/05
must fight insurance tooth and nail.....hammer and stake.... train and tied to the tracks off the bridge with them....
don't trust 'em.... one bit....
2:13 PM
Thursday, August 04, 2005
The $1000 question is answered. While you are getting tests done for a hospital stay or while there make sure they are in network or throw them out. Hey it's costing me a cool grand don't let it be you. No I don't have it to send them, I am just making "good faith" monthly payments. Hey blood from a stone ya know.
2:04 PM
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
I feel like I am juggling 10 things currently. One day your long term disability is approved a letter later it isn't great job they have. The short version as it was explained to me if in the 12 months before you start you see a dr. or start any medication and it is considered a pre-existing condition. Now the company knew about my past, I was the only one interviewed for the job. But let's even forget about me, only for a minute. Let's say you are diabetic, have high blood pressure, insert any number of illness's here ____________ . They have a way out. This is the same insurance company that payed my short term disability without a problem. Now I have to write an appeal about this guys decision, which will be reviewed by someone else. I am also gearing up for my chemo program. I am waiting to get some genetic test's back from MSK for my dr's in NJ. The bills are pilling up any other complaints? OH my ipod died but I got it replaced. Remember this always back up your stuff. If your hard drive crash's your ipod will not send it's music back to your pc. Some kind of anti-piracy crap but now if you are like me and have 4300 songs on your ipod, that's the place it will stay unless your ipod goes poof, then music go by by.
love
bitter bob
5:16 PM
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