November 2002 rediagnosed with a recurring tumor I am going to bring you through the whole fun thing
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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.
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Brain Tumor History And Other Rants
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Saturday, March 15, 2003
2/21/03 new seizure activity.
2/20/02 Stress level peaking gotta quite this shit. Money, disability, bills, treatment all coming to ahead it seems. The only thing I want to care about is going through the treatment that I have to I realize if I lose it all that is ok with me. I don’t care anymore right now about the house car any of it. I would walk away from it all to get better. The stress of everyday shit on top of this sucks. I peaked last night with yelling and breaking down. I think I am also run down physically with all the snow shoveling and the day of running around the city. Today was a party I was trying to get work done on the computer.
So here I am working on my DJ computer. Mo calls me to call the PathMark pharmacy about a prescription I got wet in the city and it turned to dust. Hey those orange containers are NOT water tight. So I get up from the computer, go the kitchen grab the bottle to the right of the sink. All of the sudden my left eye and mouth start twitching I am like. Get the hell out of here I am having a seizure. I grab the phone and scroll down to MO’s number in the previously called numbers. I do this in my right hand, on my unaffected side. I laid down face first on the hallway carpet. I know I don’t want to fall during this. At this point I can not talk. I get out sei… sei… She says call 911. I am like no, but I can’t get it out. I hit some buttons on the phone. But I am pretty useless at this point I am just waiting for this ride to be over. At this point the dog, and one of the cats have come over to me. The dog is looking at me, like what’s up? The cat climbs on my back and was probably thinking, great, stay right there a warm bed. Cats are worthless a lot of times. As quick as it came it goes away. I call Mo back I tell her it is over, I will call Tom to come and sit with me. The one blessing in these nightmares is that they are not painful. The lack of self control is just scary. Even now to think about it.
I call over to my neighbor in a shaky voice.
I said what are you doing, he says, nothing why, I said can you come over for a little while I just had a little seizure. I walk back to the kitchen counter and pop a Tegretol pill, the thing that is supposed to be controlling this crap.
Tom comes over we walk into the living room to sit down, he starts to ask me what happened, which for the record is the worst, because it brings up a ton of more anxiety that the monster is gonna wack you again. The house then turned into grand central station when you really need some silence. Larry the neighbor showed up. Mo got home. The phone rang, for the first time, it was DJ John. I spoke with him briefly I didn’t mention my event, I didn’t want to go through it again. He sensed something was wrong and asked me but I lied and said I was finr. The phone rang again it was the U.S. Army. I laughed and told them you won’t take me I have a brain tumor and I am starting Chemo therapy, so take me off the list. He wished me luck and I did the same to him. Then the phone rang again, my friend Lenny, again I mentioned nothing to him. To re-explain it is more anxiety that I am not a fan of. Finally one by one everyone started walking out and the phone stopped ringing. . I just want to have quiet and peace, no more phone calls, etc.
This was followed up with calls to the Dr. Pacia. I didn’t get to talk to him but I spoke with an assistant who wanted me to go right for blood work and raise my drug level another 100 mg. I then started to take another 100 mg at night.
Saturday Morning I went to the clinic to get blood taken for the test. I had to wait like a ½ an hour. But I tell you these people are pretty good when it comes to sticking a needle in you. If the person is good you don’t feel a thing.
3rd Seizure
Fast forward a week I am wrapping up some computer work around here, getting a lot done, which I am happy about. I sit down at the machine in my bean bag chair when, my eye and jaw start their twitching. No not again. Yep here we go. I walk down the hall way open the door tell Mo by waving her on. I turn to my left and lay down face first on the hallway carpet, She says is there anything she can do? With my right arm I wave her off. I turn my head left which bugs me because usually it is turned automatically as part of the seizure. I say to myself this is NOT happening I am NOT having a seizure and immediately half the effects stop. That was weird because it wasn’t like my thoughts were even real clear they seemed to be skipping a little during this. But bam, half the effects were gone then I had a little after shock and then I had a sensation of what just happened but I knew it had stopped. The sensations, not painful but I remember my jaw jerking open and closed on my tongue. It wasn’t biting my tongue just pushing it out of the way, and a blinking sensation. I think that was the extent of my seizure. I am now going after this stuff that I can control this monster. I pushed myself up ordered up 4 tegretols and put them back, bring on the drugs that take care of this stuff. That is what Dr’s and drugs are for. When it happens it sucks, the Dr. says that they usually don’t get stronger and says that he has some patients that can control them. When they feel them coming on, they let their body get relaxed which is actually the opposite reaction. And then close their eyes and say that they aren’t going to get it and some people can control it. So now when I think I have a sensation I try to go limp, close my eyes and say I am not having a seizure. Who knows, drink this water it will make you rich, and regular!!
5/15/03 seizure in the car. I am losing track here folks, and that sucks (Number 4). First one since work in public. First one ever in the car! Man some people want to know what did it feel like? I mean let me send rapid out of control impulses that you can’t control through your brain and see how you like it. It sucks. I have said before the only good part is that it isn’t painful. But how annoying is a CD or if you can remember a record when it just keeps skipping? Imagine that is your brain.
Here’s today’s horror story. We are at a traffic light. I get a sensation pulling me to the left. My eyes start pulling to the left. I tell Maureen., “Seizure, Seizure” The light turns green she says she will pull over. Again I talk, “Sei, Sei” Ok talking is gone at this point. My eyes are bouncing left and face twitching on the left side. I have control of my right side. I pull the lever and lower the seat back to lie down. I turn on my left side. I try to say to Mo, “Haaa maaa” what I wanted was her to hold me. In the past I have waved her off to not touch me and let it work out. Now I remember say stop. Tell yourself to stop this. Now remember the CD and record skipping analogy, it happens in your thinking also. I think to say stop in my head but it is hard to get in that cycle to say stop doing this. I think the metal work of doing it actually breaks the cycle and makes you pull out of it. So that is basically it. I pulled out of it, my speech was slurred and I still felt after-shocks I like to call them on my left side of my face. Length of time of the seizure, 45 seconds to a minute. On the way home I really didn’t look around much. I just didn’t want that much stimulation for my eyes after something like that.
9:34 PM
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