November 2002 rediagnosed with a recurring tumor I am going to bring you through the whole fun thing
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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.
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Brain Tumor History And Other Rants
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Wednesday, March 19, 2003
3/19/03 I had a Platlet transfusion yesterday. This is a first. To give you perspective with some numbers that mean nothing to most of us:
On 3/14 my levels were: On 3/18 they were: What they should be:
White Blood Cells: 2.8 1.3 2.0 – 20.0
Hemoglobin: 14.3 13.0 7.5 – 18.4
Platlets: 82. 12. 100 – 500
So they started me with my first platlet transfusion. This goes like this, they type your blood and order the platlets from the blood bank. Platlet collection I hear is a bit more hardcore then giving blood. They put a line in each arm and it takes 2 hours. Thank you whoever you are. They hooked up one line in my hand and it takes about 15/20minutes to go in. My allergic reaction was some itchy hives after it was all done. A little Benadryl pill straightened all that out though. I then got 2 more shots when it was done of some growth hormones to help me reproduce blood cells. Ever see the commercial with the guy that didn’t have anymore energy to do the auctions because chemo had his red blood counts down? It’s called Procrit. Now that I mentioned it you will notice the commercial. All this being poked at makes you tired. 5 needles I took yesterday. Usually in the morning time I feel totally tired. My morning inspiration is to get up so I can eat.
Now that my white counts are low I have to be paranoid of infection. One common germ / cold will land me in the hospital until it clears. The rational is that is the few white blood cells you have go to work on this one bug, you don’t have any others to fight even common bacteria. They say this is pretty much the most boring hospital stay you can have. So the general rules no raw fruit, big crowds, everything has to be cooked well. Oranges and banana’s are good because you peal away the skin and eat the center. Apples not so good (damn I have 4 of them). Unless I cook the bastids! So I told the nurses I spent a week not wanting to eat and then when I can now I am too paranoid to eat out. They said yep that is it. If my temperature goes over 101.5 I have to report to the emergency room. Do you know that costs me $100 with my insurance? Can’t we just skip to admitted or something?
Now I also have an in house nurse that is supposed to come and see me to give me a shot every day now. After showing how I reacted like a 2 year old for the nurse, I said, you see I could never do this myself, I would just shoot it on my sandwich and eat it.
I am waiting on that phone call now, can you imagine me with an in home nurse visit, what am I 85 years old?
So to wrap up here I am due back in on Friday. I hope not for another transfusion but we will see if my hemoglobin is low I will need that that takes 2 hours to go in.
5/15/03 There are several sides to this. What I mean to say there is a dark side of depression that comes out also. Understand that there is a network of friends and family that is supporting me. There is also the facet that no matter what someone asks that they can do for me. I have to go through this. Whatever suffering exists physically is mine to take on the chin. I have to say this second trip through this experience is not the happiest time I have ever had to deal with. The surgery part was really painless, and not a problem. Ok I couldn’t get sleep in the hospital. But overall I was in great shape from that. The drama is and I always would be is this chemo regimen. I am a guy who likes to go to work and work hard everyday. Hey I know I am weird. I guess it helps define me and gives me purpose. I have been out of work for 2 months now. The time goes quick. I have at least another 3 months out for this treatment. I don’t mind the hermit like life necessarily but I have lost a lot of freedom. I can not do for myself like I used to at all. In the case of these random seizures they really suck. Sometimes you feel like a shell of who you were. The drugs turn your brain mushy. If you ever go through something like this you will know what I mean. There is definitely a certain detachment to being home alone a lot. Great the dog tells me when he wants to pee. Last week, even fresh air made me nauseas. Who needs it?
The dark side I guess is a lot of self loathing. I mean a quote from HBO’s Oz (It’s not TV it’s HBO). Death doesn’t hurt the dead only the living. That silly little statement meant a lot to me about my situation. I have come to grips with if this stupid thing kicks my ass I had some times to remember. But what it doesn’t do is happen in the right order. Fathers die before their children. It is just supposed to happen that way. When it doesn’t it changes things forever for those left on earth. Girlfriends who helped you fight it. Friends who look at you and go wait a minute he can’t die. He is only a year younger than me, that doesn’t make sense. We were supposed to hang out more. I guess in the big picture you have to remember people when people were alive. Honor them by always remembering the stupidest things you did together that made you laugh. Don’t forget Mr. Bunny, motorcycles, my mustangs, my hair, Billy Hector, and all that jazz.
Where has all this dark silly crap come from? Sometimes when I am alone, I just want to push it all away, turn my back on the torture. Everyone thinks I am so strong. I really see that there are people I can’t let down on this by running away. My surgeon worked his ass off to take out as much bad shit out of my head as possible, twice. My family, girlfriend, friends, and co-workers. Again if we change the order and I punch out because this tomato in my head or a bus runs me over next week. It is hard to explain or justify, how do you put it in perspective? For me I don’t have to fight anymore. I just pass on and out. No more nausea all that shit.
Yeah I had a pretty dark night last night working up all this anxiety and drama. That is why sleeping is great it is the ultimate escape from all the daily problems. It’s great when you can get it.
FYI for the record I am not going to jump off a bridge any time soon. I think of it as a pendulum, I have to deal with these thoughts when they come up. It’s just a rough time, dig?
11:22 AM
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