November 2002 rediagnosed with a recurring tumor I am going to bring you through the whole fun thing
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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.
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Brain Tumor History And Other Rants
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Saturday, May 24, 2003
How does your perspective change in all this? What do we have in the fridge to eat? There is not much of a concern beyond basic biological needs. And even those get made up or are psycho-somatic. Some of this is a heightened awareness of your body because you are now being held hostage by it. The fridge thing is all about when you can eat, you eat. When you are sick you don’t wanna eat. I still can’t stand the smell of Uncle Ben’s rice after throwing it up on the first night of my second chemo cycle. Sometimes I feel like I aged 40 years in 6 months. You start to reflect like crazy. What was it like before all this, when you are having no fun you want to think of times when you did have fun. Times when I didn’t know about a tumor, cancer, an uncertain future, tons of med’s. Yeah we are trying to kick this things ass and trying to get back to a life. Yes there are always worse situations. But by human nature I think we can only get caught up usually in what we are going through ourselves. It has been great to get so much support from those around me and even bigger than that at times like last weeks benefit was to see strangers lending a hand. That teaches you a lot about what you should try to do more in life. OK maybe me, trying to lend a hand a little more I guess. The morning I went in for surgery we had a little snow. OK we had snow all winter. But I was dusting off my neighbors car after I did Mo’s. She said some time afterward she had woken up early and looked outside for some reason and there I was cleaning off her car the day I was going for surgery. OK I am not saving nations or Mother Theresa, but she found it funny that I was cleaning her car on that morning. Do I have any important medical news today, no I am just adding a little filler here, read on if you want. One things for sure with life, there is no getting time back and no do-overs. Don’t we all wish we could make a time machine out of a DeLorean. How would McFly change things? Get the motorcycle earlier? I think some of us would want to stay somewhere or at sometime in life. I guess that’s why junkies stay high. I hate being high, so that doesn’t work for me at all. Sometimes you think yeah if I check out what have I done? Enough to base a movie on? I got some cool people around me with some pretty silly memories. But I aint never gonna get my face on any money that’s for sure. Remember when you were young and really didn’t know how life worked? You thought life was gonna be killer. It was gonna be like summer vacation. Remember summer vacation where mom or dad might have given you a couple bucks for the week. You had no idea what it was going to be to work for that couple bucks a week. We spend the first 20 some-odd years rushing to be older and the rest of the time wishing to be back. OK there are weirdo’s out there enjoying their 30’s and 40’s but you guys are just weird. My newest music exploration, Johnny Cash. I am aging rapidly folks. Even some Willie Nelson. I mean somebody put me in a home or something! I just might sonically hurt myself.
Not having the power to change or fix your situation is rotten. I think helplessness is up there with loneliness. The uncertain all that stuff is rotten.
Simple pleasures when they are robed from you. When you lose parts of your freedom, you miss them. That whole body has me hostage stuff if frustrating. I can’t drive myself anywhere that is very old. I hate putting people out to help me. When this stuff happens to you, you are at the direction of the doctors and there is not much you can do but follow their best advice and hope your body will cooperate with the treatments. If it doesn’t then you do something else they advise. This one of the sickest jokes your body can pull on you this cancer stuff. It certainly is the worst time I’ve had for myself physically. All the sickness of a hangover with no party, feeling high, or ugly girl to chew your arm away from.
But you try to put things in perspective. There are plenty of people out there that have gone to wars at very young ages in this country. Who have had to suffer and survive and fight through a ton of crazier things than I have. These are common people you don’t always see. But sometimes you can catch a sign, someone with a sticker, button, patch, bumper sticker that tells you, yes they went there so you can be here. That is a person you should be thankful for. You don’t need to agree with whatever it was, maybe they didn’t either, but they went when they were called for, and we need to acknowledge that. I guess this is my rainy Memorial Day rap. Never forget these people that sacrificed for us. It is a big deal, ask France, some how or another we always rescue them from being taken over. French bastards. OK no politics here.
Is it happiness I search for? I don’t think I would be that crazy. I am a person who is never satisfied, it gives me my drive. This year I seem to care a lot less about drive though. It is just this crap that robbed me of my freedom I guess that has really hurt a lot. I don’t know. You have to say oh well I have had some good times and if it is down hill or off a cliff then you have to accept that. That sucks.
10:16 PM
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