November 2002 rediagnosed with a recurring tumor I am going to bring you through the whole fun thing
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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.
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Brain Tumor History And Other Rants
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Friday, July 18, 2003
Don’t fall apart on me tonight. I just don’t think that I can handle it. Don’t fall apart on me tonight. Yesterday is just a memory tomorrow is never what it’s supposed to be and I need you.
Come over here from over there girl. Sit down here you can have my chair. I can’t see us going anywhere girl. The only place open is 1,000 miles away and I can’t take you there.
I wish I had been a doctor, maybe I would’ve saved some life that had been lost. Maybe I would have done some good in the world instead of burning every bridge that I crossed.
So if all my treatments were 28 day cycles, chemo would have been done already. But the first month got stretched to 6 weeks, 2nd cycle I had to wait for my blood levels to get high enough for me to get chemo, lasting 6 weeks. And now on the 3rd cycle it is the same thing. Monday will be the 7th week. And this cycle they lowered the chemo dosage, imagine if it was the same. Basically my platlets might be high enough on Monday, but my whites are too low. I am actually very susceptible to germs right now because my whites are low. The whole thing stinks because there is nothing you can do to help yourself except wait for your bone marrow to make enough cells so you are stable enough to get chemo again. I call it getting healthy so they can hurt you again. I guess that the chemo is acting cumulative in my system so each month is harder on the inner workings. It stinks because I feel relatively healthy, but I am dangerous to myself because what people usually can fight off as far as germs and bacteria in food and crowds can land me in the hospital. And that has got to be a run-on and I aint fixing it. So eating out is a big no no, the problem is you don’t know how things are cooked, like I said normally if there is some bacteria on food like fresh fruits for instance, our body pass’s it right through. Not the case for me. I have to cook all my food to a crisp to make sure it is free of normal bacteria. I carry purel around with me religiously to keep my hands free of germs, which they say is your # 1 offender is touching things and getting germs. Well I am sick of caring so much, tomorrow I am getting out of the house, and maybe even eating out. This is dangerous living, move over evil keneval. My friend is coming up for the day and I don’t want to subject him or me to being tied down to this house all day. Of course we don’t have any real plans yet. We can’t go drinking, well at least I can’t, and I am no good because I am a sober non-driver. I am a drunks worst friend. My car might be sold soon. That really sucks and piss’s me off. I dig that car a lot. Hey anyone need a 2000 black 6 cylinder mustang 5 speed? It’s not sold yet. Let me know. I am just trying to get out of one of my debts.
So back to the doctors on Monday to see if my levels are high enough for chemo. Don’t be jealous of the life, I know. Some guys have all the luck, move over Rod Stewart.
If I could fix myself up… I… But it’s too late for me.
We’ll find the perfect little place to go where we could run and hide. We’ll build a wall and we could keep them on the other side. But they keep waiting and peeking….
Many times we’ve been out drinking.
Many times we shared our thoughts.
But did you ever, ever notice, the kind of thoughts I got.
Well you know I have a love a love for everyone I know
And you know I have a drive to live I won’t let go
But can you see it’s opposition comes rising up sometimes
That it’s dreadful and position comes blacking in my mind
And that I see a darkness.
Did you know how much I love you
Here’s a hope that some how you can save from this darkness
12:55 PM
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