November 2002 rediagnosed with a recurring tumor I am going to bring you through the whole fun thing
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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.
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Brain Tumor History And Other Rants
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Thursday, July 10, 2003
So I have been abusive here. I haven’t kept up with my journal. I guess I haven’t felt compelled since now that it is the 3rd month, you could almost go to the first 2 and know what I am going through. How many times should I write my white cells were low again today. But in essence I am wrong in that thought because at least there would be some kind of update, and then the journal serves its purpose because then you know what levels my blood are at! Well my whites aren’t doing bad, my platlets are crawling back up, my reds are ok. Once I get to 100 on the platlets I am scheduling cycle 4. This will hopefully be next week. Gee great hopefully. Well at this point there is less anxiety in a way having been through it 3 times already. I hope that I get the same level that I got for my 3rd month which was lower than my first 2 cycles. It made chemo sick week not as bad. But I did suffer a bit more than need be for the 3rd cycle. I stopped taking the anti-nausea pills on or about day 4 or 5. The pills help keep the queasiness away, but they put a cork in the other end. I am not about having constipation, hey this is a medical journal, I let it all hang out there. So to put off one of the side effects of the medicine, I stopped taking it to help my body flow, so to speak.
Other interesting things from this month: when my platlets were low last weekend my dog jumped on my arm, I had 3 black and blues that ran down the whole inside of my arm. The bruises were very interesting looking, like I drew them there, little 60 pound bastard. I had 5 platlet transfusions this month and one 2 pint transfusion of red blood cells. I really lead a very boring existence here, don’t let me fool you. I am lucky the damn dogs hang out with me during the day, and stay awake part of the time.
There is a strange phenomenon when you have too much time on your hands. I know when I was working it seemed like I was always busy, and I would still get things done around the house some how. But now with all this time on my hands, even when I feel ok to do things, I procrastinate, because you have nothing but time. The moral here is you get more done when you have less time to do it in it seems, ever had that happen?
“Turn and face the strange changes. Ooh look out you rock n rollers. Ch-Ch-Changes. Turn and face the strange changes. Pretty soon now you are gonna get older. Time may change me, but I can’t trace time. I said that time may change me, but I can’t trade time.”
David Bowie “Changes”
All of this stuff turns into a time of loneliness and isolation. In the beginning people stay on top of contacting me. But when I stretched it out like now going on 6 months I am out there. It’s like because of the cycle of my illness I am grounded a lot, so I get left out of a lot of things. My energy isn’t all that either. There is not a whole lot of stuff I can do for myself outside of being alone at home. People will sometimes offer to do things and either I don’t have the energy or it is just hard when I have to make people go out of their way for me. The lack of independence sucks. If I lived in the city I could at least get around to different places. But when I got no one to go with me that stinks also. Maybe this is the way it is meant to be, I go into hiding for months and then it isn’t as big a deal if I am not around anymore. The old phrase you get sick and tired of being sick and tired. There is so much of my life that I have no control over it would be nice to get some kind of control over some aspect of it. But I don’t have enough control to get control of much of anything. I get to become a burden to all those around me and that is a pain in the ass. I just wish I could travel back 10 years, before all this and have a life again. No I don’t want to relive this part of the last 3 ½ years. Would I want it to end before all this, I don’t know. I just miss all the freedom I had, my life, fun, all that jazz. 10 years, yeah bring me back 10 years and leave me there for good. Then none of this would ever go wrong. I sit here alone depressed, is this the way it is meant for me? It apparently isn’t meant to be a long run, and I had some times in my life, now it seems all I do is live vicariously through my own past.
7:57 PM
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