November 2002 rediagnosed with a recurring tumor I am going to bring you through the whole fun thing
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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.
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Brain Tumor History And Other Rants
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Tuesday, July 15, 2003
Sometimes you get fed up and frustrated. I guess this whole attitude is that woe is me crap, but whatever. The lack of control of your own environment drives you nuts. I get ideas sometimes, and I just think, yes that is it that’s the solution. It is frustrating. I get very obsessive compulsive about these ideas. There are days I don’t want to own the house any more I just want to walk away from all of it. I really like having my own place and stuff, but at times I just don’t care anymore either. It’s like if I could take my stuff break it all down and give it to the people around me and they could get use of it, and pieces of me would be everywhere, that would be cool. Kind of like seeing your estate distributed while you are alive. A santa clause thing I guess. There are Friends that have really helped and are still hanging in there with me this would be a way to say thanks now to them. I don’t know. Sitting here all alone you just think and think and can’t do much of anything about anything at all. That sucks. I knew I didn’t want to turn 30, this is a whole new decade and so far 30 sucks. 40, 50 I don’t even think of those as what is next. I mean I don’t like to think beyond what my next meal is. Part of me feels like all I have is what I had, and what I have now is just life in a holding pattern. When your health kidnaps you you have no choice. I guess it’s that part of the fight where you want to pack it in and give up. Hell what do I know.
“Days like this I don’t know what to do with myself. All day, and all night.
I wander the halls along the walls and under my breathe I say to myself I need fuel to take flight. There’s too much going on. But it’s calm under the waves, in the blue of my oblivion under the waves in the blue of my oblivion.”
This is what it is. People say I don’t know if I could go through it, do what you are doing. What are your choices? You either do it or you don’t. If you choose not to, well you better be prepared to make some final plans, the ride is about to get bumpy. So you choose the rode they map out for you, it stinks.
It stinks when you feel like you are a weight around people around you. Man why does it have to be so dark? If life could just go on, why stop for this all the time. It’s like slowing the whole game down. What’s that they say, well at least he went quick, he never knew what happened, oh to go in your own bed in sleep, peaceful. What do you say to the ticking time bombs, fight it man you are so strong, no I just got more time on the clock I guess. More time to know what is trying to take you out. We move so fast we don’t even think about when our number is up. I guess it’s something you can’t live with knowing.
People can say whatever they want in a bad situation it never changes the situation. I guess I am just paying for being some jerk to people. The part that sucks is when you realize that everything you were sold when you were young is a lie. Study, work hard and you will succeed and have a good life. Why do people lie to people like this to kids. We grow up with false expectations. Then when it all falls apart in reality in our real life, we wonder why and what we did wrong. Ok if I am the only one, I keep wondering why did I end up like this a failure? Ok we go through the list of people that have a million things worse than me. But they aren’t concerned with how I feel in my head, and I can’t help them by anything I would say. I guess the dream was an illusion, and reality well is what happens.
“Life’s what happens when your busy doing other thinks”
John Lennon
There are people that will stick with you through all this but what a drain on them this must be. Who wants to see someone out there and so down. Most of them are the people running along not looking down and having lives. This uncontrolled holding pattern sucks.
8:50 AM
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