November 2002 rediagnosed with a recurring tumor I am going to bring you through the whole fun thing
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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.
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Brain Tumor History And Other Rants
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Tuesday, August 05, 2003
So here we are a week out and you all want the wrap up for the final chemo round 4. As previously stated you all are friggin perverse. Tuesday went through pretty uneventful just feeling crappy, ate bearly anything. Between cycle 3 and 4 I lost 2 pounds, and trust me I do eat. Between Tuesday and Wednesday I lost another 2 pounds. Go figure? I think it had to be water weight I think I was pretty dehydrated on day 2, and day 3 and 4 for that matter that can make you feel terrible also. Wednesday night some drug I took kept me up all night I think. I laid there with my eyes closed but for some reason I just kept running over thoughts after thoughts after thoughts, you know the feeling?
So Tuesday and Wednesday were in the city getting injected nothing too crazy at the doctors office at all you just sit there and take it.
Thursday I was back home. Mid-day I had a little “event” remember these? Chemo week I seem to always throw a seizure or 2. They are worse than the eternal nausea. No big deal 45 seconds I guess not a biggie I just hate em.
Well Thursday night into Friday morning, well actually Friday morning about 5 am. I had the second one. Nothing worse than being woken up by a seizure. I mean bring in a sad clown, a laughing hyena, anything just not a seizure. So this one maybe 90 seconds, at one point I touched my left hand and that started going too. When it was all over, I just wanted to roll over on my back. I couldn’t turn over. Try doing it with one hand. Mo was up and helped me roll over, when I rolled on my back she put my left arm down and she might as well as dropped a pillow, I could not feel my left arm at all, I yelled out don’t touch it. Basically when I was on my stomach the circulation probably got cut off, but still when you can’t lift, use of feel one whole arm, it sucks. Slowly but surely the feeling came back, and I took some medication, and well I was awake then. Since then things have been quiet just waiting out the nausea which is almost all but gone and increasing my meal size since. I do have occasional numbness in me left arm and leg, it feels like the last 3 fingers and the left part of my foot, have to look into this, but my surgeon told me I might have this. It tends to come and go, it is just annoying to loose some feeling in your body. Saturday night was weird I guess I was just tired, while lying in bead and watching junk TV, I had the feeling that I wasn’t getting enough oxygen. Like an out of breath feeling while I was laying around, no I am not that lazy. I guess I was just tired. I turned off the warm friendly glow of the TV and just went to sleep, hoping to get rid of the feeling. Well I woke up on Sunday morning the feeling was gone. Who knows? Nothing much else in my life. Just living my boring mostly alone life up here on the Hopatcong crazy mountain.
Everyone wants to know whats next?
Well tomorrow I start going to the doctors 3 days a week. This week Wednesday and Friday. Then I have to go Monday, Wednesday and Friday for about 6 weeks probably more. I predict a solid 2 month recuperation time for this last cycle, cycle 3 was 7 weeks.
This is to monitor my blood levels by Friday my platlets and whites should be low. Maybe If I am lucky Friday will be my first transfusion of this cycle who knows? I predict 4 or 5 of those and maybe one red blood cell transfusion.
I started self injections yesterday again, those will go for at least 2 weeks. Right in the belly. I only have one of the 2 drugs so I have to get a scrip for the 2nd one tomorrow.
Here I am injecting my belly everyday, and no one even thinks that the shots really even make a difference.
Would you take something if all the nurses and doctors say they don’t think it works?
I don’t know I just do what they say, they say if it gives me another 5% chance why not do it. Because it is everyday in my belly! It isn’t that bad, gives me something to do, once the mail guy comes there is nothing else to look forward to around here.
The latest prescription they gave me pre-loaded syringes, that takes ½ the junkie ritual of filling the syringe out of the ritual. Now I just take off the top and shoot up, no forplay of taking the drug out of the vial.
That’s my immediate future and the rest? Well do I think this hell made a difference? I hope it did something other than wreck my life all year. How do I know, I think all the MRI’s look like slices of ham. The doctor could tell me my tumor was a ham bone and I would have to believe him. I don’t know. I am still disenfranchised with the fact that this whole thing came back in the first place, or second place / time, all how you look at it. I don’t worry about living to 100 or even 40 for that matter. I gotta do day to day, meal to meal, get basic. When will I be normal again? OK now you are asking stupid questions, that would mean the doctors messed up bigtime. I have a lot of crap ahead of me still, number one I don’t know if my body wants to torture me more. Number 2 I have no real life to get back to. I am in a big clean slate starting over point again. I would like to thank the management for being human and caring and intelligent enough to lay me off while out on disability. Really nice thing to do, may you be cut from work the same way one day!! Corporate America loves you! Remember when they know you are down they will kick you, cut you and poor on some alcohol so it continues to sting. I am NOT bitter!
So that being said I have the job hunt coming up, that should be fun. Maybe I will sell the house drop out and work at a 7-11 in Indiana. Think about it with the stupid mark up of house prices here, I could sell, move there make 5 dollars and hour and own a house free and clear! Then all I have to do is pay taxes and die. Isn’t that what they say you have to do?
Who knows.
Fix me babe I’m a broken like that handle on your back door.
Fix me babe I’m a broken like that screen on your back porch.
Fix me babe I’ve been shattered like that coffee cup on that floor.
10:17 AM
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