November 2002 rediagnosed with a recurring tumor I am going to bring you through the whole fun thing
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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.
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Brain Tumor History And Other Rants
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Sunday, August 31, 2003
Sometimes you don’t know what to write about, but you feel like writing. It’s a forum to work out things to get it out of the crazy mind and out of you.
Today is an example of a waste of a day. I have done nothing but sit around the house and eat. I don’t know it is like I still need to work out what I am doing or where I am going. The crappy part is still feeling like I have no control over anything yet. I have to start getting my stuff together to get back to having a life. I won’t keep this house for long if I don’t crush spending and watch the money again. I got a little careless last month. It is hard when you have been living under a rock for 9 months part of you just wants to get crazy and eat out when you can health wise. But money for that doesn’t exist. So maybe this is a sign of normalcy, worrying about money again I don’t know. This job search thing is going to be an uphill battle, which I am not looking forward to at all. Who does look forward to this? Cold interviews are such junk, so it is a matter of trying to network to get an “in”. It would be different to go back to a work week and to make a comfortable wage again. The money I have lived on this year is laughable. I have also been able to pay down most of my debt which is crazy also.
I guess you get an itch at a time like this about changing everything around. Maybe I can get a new skill change fields, jobs etc. You tend to question everything. You are forced at certain times to make decisions and to change paths.
It’s frustrating, and I haven’t even started yet. The lack of control I guess is a theme of the whole year. I am not allowed to drive, I had to have the surgery, I had to go through with the chemo, I have to look for a job, because someone else decided to take mine away. What else do I have to do, and can’t choose? Yes I am bitching again. It is my forum to do so.
At 30 years old I have sat in the Morristown Clinic and listened to advice from people old enough to be my grandparents. And you know what it makes sense to me. Yeah 30 has been rough on me. 30 going on 60 it seems. Like I am an old man before my time (A grumpy one at that). If I was wine it would be time to drink up. The reflecting upon older times you do during this crap is crazy. You just wish for a time machine to go back to some other time to stay there. But most likely you would just have to relive all the torture anyway. To fast forward past all the torture, I guess that’s a concept. There are rehabs that put you asleep for your withdraw problems. Not a bad idea I guess.
Maybe I am overanalyzing the whole thing but it seems for a lot of us this whole gig has turned out crappy. In about 20 years the whole way of life and work and family has been turned upside down. There was a time when a college degree put you in a guaranteed better position in the job force. You are not guaranteed anything anymore. 4 year degrees are a dime a dozen now. And if you don’t have one you kick yourself that you can not at least lay claim to that. So you regret your early 20’s for that then. The job force just sucks. A lot of us were sold a bill of goods. For our parents they all wanted to provide for us an easier way of life and a way to better ourselves. Quite a bill of goods. All the rules have changed a lot. How many people you know work 40 years at one company anymore? It’s all about going job to job now. Following the opportunities, wherever the hell they are. Look at all the IT jobs, gone to India now. I guess even the people that thought they were safe being computer people were wrong also. It’s all about whether or not you survive the next layoff or not.
There was a time when families could live in a house on one income.
Explain that one now.
Maybe it’s this region of the country that makes us so subject to stress and cynical attitudes. The real estate market along is ridiculous in this whole region. The cost of living drives people to have to run after money more than anything else.
One big thing that people try to help sick people out with is perspective. There are a lot of people that are worse off than you. Yes there are, but we all have to deal with the cards that dealt us. And somehow it seems that when you get kicked once you better hold on because the second and third kick are on their way. Once you are on the ground, you are easier to kick, always remember that.
When you have been sick and you have to deal with set backs and the building up of related problems you will get this. You also feel more sympathy for people in your situation or that are helpless like yourself.
It is a humbling feeling to be the helpee and not the helper. Like the benefit that was held for me this year. I have dj’d countless charity events and benefits, and from the back side of that table you are always an arms length from the trouble, and when you unplug the unit, you can walk away from the problem. The people you are helping have that problem for life.
When we had the benefit this year it was surreal for me. I was only comfortable thinking about the music to play or behind that table. I really didn’t even feel like it was for me in a way, it was one of those things that if I thought about why we were doing it, it sucked in reality. It was great to see all those people and friends, but weird and humbling for it to be about me. In a word, awkward.
1:47 PM
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