November 2002 rediagnosed with a recurring tumor I am going to bring you through the whole fun thing
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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.
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Brain Tumor History And Other Rants
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Friday, September 05, 2003
Frustration as always. My whites were up on Tuesday for the 2nd time in this cycle. They told me to stop taking the injections to help whites. Now when you stop taking the injections they should hopefully drop to a normal level. So today when I went in the whites were below normal again. I am not thrilled at all. This locks me up in the house again, and I have to be germ paranoid again. It’s driving me crazy to go up then down then up then down with the counts. I just want to get to safe levels again to start a normal life again. OK I don’t do things normally but hell just once I want to eat taco bell or Chinese food and not use purell twice before I touch my food. Heck I will live crazy. I haven’t eaten Chinese food all year, or taco bell either.
Immune systems rule the world.
It seems like lately I am starting to get reflective on the whole thing. Don’t let me fool you this whole experience makes you reflective and you wish for other parts of your life when things were better, because the certainly aren’t now.
Like wow I went through what? It was total misery. May you never know, and other patients all say the same thing the doctors say things, but they will never know what it is like to go through it. You have to live it to really appreciate it, may you never know. There is the paranoia of germs and what not so to stay out of the hospital. Low platlets, red cells, nausea, all that other un-happy horse shit. You get frustrated and tired of washing your hands religiously. I ordered a hamburger once and I told them well done, burn it to a crisp. It’s almost a religion, no better yet a cult, you are a slave to your own body because of the toxic junk they pump in your veins. The cult part comes into all the other “cancer” people that meet at the cancer clinic 2,3, 4 or even 5 days a week you get to know people on first name basis. You wish you would meet these people on other terms, but here you are. You got 2 choices treatment, or no treatment. No treatment means you are on your own. So what do you do. People that say they couldn’t do it have never been forced to have to do it. Nobody would do it if they really had a choice.
It’s been an adventure this year. And to think they originally outlined it so that I would be done by the end of July. It’s September, and already we have started putting Halloween stuff out. 2003, let’s call the whole thing off. I have kind of skipped the whole year. So no matter what this stupid crap in my head has taken a year off my life so far, I just had to live through it. I saw a shirt on a cancer site it said “Undead” pretty morbid sense of humor to pull that one off. I was really looking for the shirt Ozzy had on on one of the Osbourne shows that said Fuck Cancer. Reminded me of a friend that said Fuck that Tumor during my first trip almost 4 years ago. That was the theme of the whole first trip. I was in denial and the statement fit. I just want this final upswing to be in motion. To have the whites in a safe level, the platlets going up and the reds stable. The platlets won’t be 100% for awhile but they are on their way up finally. No more transfusions hopefully unless they do some wacky drop. I have no crystal ball for any of this, or I would have had more fun in my past. I have now memories and regrets of all the working I have done in my life and sacrifices I have made. It has gotten me certain things, the government lets me pay a mortgage and taxes for a little piece of America. Remember my lazy generation has this chance to own stuff and be lazy because of our fathers and grand fathers that were vets.
6:48 PM
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