November 2002 rediagnosed with a recurring tumor I am going to bring you through the whole fun thing
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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.
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Brain Tumor History And Other Rants
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Friday, September 05, 2003
I have lost a lot of my motivation this year. I used to be a 2 job holding go all the time person. When you are forced to sit and relax and recoup for 9 months you get lazy. That is one reason getting back to work will be good for me. I almost feel like I get a little nuts when I am out of the house for too long. I mean I am nuts normaly so when you add these nuts I am like nuts squared some times. Like why add any more paranoia to the equation. Starting over would be killer just uproot and get away from the whole kit and caboodle. Think about it if you have lived in one area for a while you have memories by the ton. You drive by where you grew up and bang there’s where you used to ride bikes, you drive further you made out for the first time over there. You drive on and on and the further you go out a lot of times the older you get, but every time you go through or across the circle you have each piece flooding back over you. And the older you get the more this happens and the more you reflect. If you run away from all this and go somewhere else, would you leave your skeletons behind? Can you start over or do they follow you in forms of stuff you own, pictures you have, and memories. And when you go back to visit the old area is it more intense the memories because you haven’t been through that circle for a while. You know what sucks is that they change that cool little universe you grew up. They put up bigger buildings, the candy store changes, there are new stores right by your old house that weren’t there as a kid. Change can suck. Getting old sucks more. 30 has sucked real bad for me, I don’t know about you. If this is 30 for me if I made it to 60 I am going to be one broken up old fart. Contact with each other is all you got, the world will not stop turning unless we stop printing money. But we get more and more busy as we go on, think about how many people you take for granted every day and you are too busy to reach out to. Don’t do it, don’t ignore those people reach out to them, even the ones you really don’t reach out to often, don’t put it off to tomorrow, what if they stop printing money?
My sister has 2 daughters, alright I have 2 nieces. The younger one is a terror, this is good, I get to watch her grow up and run crazy on my sister. I take great pride in this. But my point is I am up for the world’s worst uncle award. I am not proud of this. It’s almost stupid. As most of you know I don’t drive. So I don’t get around to stores as easy. So both my nieces had birthday’s this year. First thing I do is don’t show up to either party. Mostly due to health. But follow up, I dropped the ball. I sent the little one a card late with a gift certificate for toys r us. Then time slipped away with the older one. So I have to balance that out at Christmas I guess.
Don’t line up this broke guy is not playing Santa Clause this year.
I guess it’s the old saying it is the simple pleasures we miss. But wait have you ever heard of difficult pleasures? Would they be like sailing a boat? I mean that is a lot of work so it can’t be a simple pleasure. So if you miss pleasures would you miss coffee because it is simple but not sailing because it is difficult? I don’t know.
But I don’t sail. But I do miss the simple pleasures like driving a car, come on this is a glorified version of sitting on your couch. I really miss the freedom I had being able to drive myself around, relying on other people is really against my nature. My whole being is all about, get out of my way I will do it myself. Since I was a kid I have been this way. I would rather do something myself than ask anyone to do something for me. This whole year has been a huge piece of humble pie for me. I miss being able to go to work each day. Trust me 9 months of this and you will wish to work every day you live until you die if you can just have your health. Without it you have nothing, and it is one of the number one things we take for granted. If we have our health we can keep kicking along until something breaks, if nothing breaks gravy keep pushing along. If the motor goes kaput, then game over you punch out.
Simple pleasures = Ron and Fez, O & A, driving, working, money (OK this is a difficult pleasure, we need it to get by and it is hard to get any money to have pleasure with). Spending more time with friends, Billy Hector (I missed his big b-day party last week, first round was on Billy). Owning a bike, buying a new bike, taking a road trip to nowhere by myself for no reason other than the weather being nice and there are plenty of open roads out there. Being early 20 something again, better health, going to a gym, concerts. There was a time when the only needles I knew were from nipple rings who knew?
I guess a lot of all this has been adding up now. I have a lot of pent up frustration. How much stimulation can months of B movies and Jerry Springer do to you. I mean I know when there are Springer repeats, in fact they have screwed up the schedule now (when you care about the schedule of Maury and Springer that is hardcore). I don’t know I am really just running out of laziness patience. When you start to feel better you get in a rage over being held back. O.K. some people would like to stay lazy but I want to get going again. Get out of my own way and start doing something. I just hate feeling worthless and doing nothing. I mean yes I have all the friends and family support and all that, but I just want to get up and get going already. I didn’t mind working, I liked getting up and going to work everyday in a way. For an old fashion crazy mind like mine it kind of gives me purpose. Now that is an area I can start over in. Kick a cat when he is down and out lay him off (I know you know this story). So now I can start over somewhere else and bury my history. Come on you are going to hire the guy that just killed a brain tumor? I am clear for take off though so that is what really matters.
I don’t know maybe a little work related stress will do me some good and if I really miss Jerry I can tape him.
“Yesterday is a memory
Tomorrow is never what it’s supposed to be”
“We barely have time to react in this world none the less rehearse”
7:44 PM
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