November 2002 rediagnosed with a recurring tumor I am going to bring you through the whole fun thing
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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.
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Brain Tumor History And Other Rants
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Thursday, September 25, 2003
So I am realizing I guess that a lot of this blog is dark. I guess if you are feeling happy and want to take the edge off this is the place to come. And all those people that yell it could be worse you could be in a lot worse shape. So if I was would I have the right to bitch then as opposed to now? I dunno any-who. Big action this weekend I might actually go out on a Saturday night. Billy Hector kids he plays 5 minutes from my house twice a month, and I haven’t been out to see him since like Oct / Nov of last year before all this stupid crap. I have been wanting to go for months I was mad I couldn’t make his birthday gig. OK some of you non-believers don’t know the great Billy Hector. Go to www.billyhector.com quite possibly the most kick ass blues guitarist of our age (or one of). And he is playing the Stanhope house this Saturday. I have enough white cells so I am safe to be around people. So I have roped a couple friends into going I think and will mooch a ride off of them. I always thought about taking a cab to a show. I just don’t want to go anywhere alone now in case I have a shop-rite episode. I have to keep myself aware of my limitations. Some people might think I am self-limiting myself. But picture this: I say F it and go alone. I have a seizure, and no one there knows me. What if it got in the way of Billy’s performance, I wouldn’t want to upstage the MAN. So there is a positive swing to this page. Billy Hector Saturday, unless everyone backs out on me. Then I will bitch slap you all right here so don’t do it.
Other news I don’t know nothing new. I have a couple doctor appointments next week, I will see what becomes of that and update y’all accordingly. And as always I add rants as they come along.
Can TV be more morbid than parading the ghost of John Ritter out there on TV. HEY, look at this he’s dead but we can sell his last 3 shows for lots of money and then we will kill him off in the show (can you say jump the shark?)
Carnavale on HBO I wish they would finally put some of all this set-up to use. It is like reading a book with 2 episodes of set-up. But the coming episode for the 3rd week looks good. I mean I thought the Sopranos started a lot of threads. This show is way deeper than that.
When you stop the life train, take away the work, the running around, all the crap that distracts you from yourself, and having to deal with your own head, there are a lot of questions. There was a time when I used to run around like crazy, working 2 jobs, joined a gym, for all the free-time between the 2 jobs, bought a motorcycle to obsess about a new hobby, had a couple cats.. the works. I never stopped so I never had to deal with the questions or feelings, I kept a couple feet ahead of myself at all times. It wasn’t that bad of a time, as long as I never stopped, or else I would catch up to myself and have to deal with the emptiness that was there. I had all these plates spinning in the air and never wanted to drop one. I guess eventually I dropped the largest one and got sick. Then I just ran through that one like, “Fuck that tumor” and it kind of came and went and I denied the whole damn thing. I was also pretty medicated. I ran like a bat out of hell back to my life after a minute of drug induced stupidity where I almost thought I might change something. But then I figured why the hell should I? Well I got almost 3 years out of that run being 1 foot a head of myself. I no longer had as many distractions, but I did try to stay busy and work as much as I could. There was a small period where I didn’t actually work 2 jobs. Then BAM, it came back, and now everything has changed this whole year. I have been 2 feet behind myself the whole year, and it has still flown by, where I have accomplished nothing, well except that healing and chemo stuff… ok so I was pre-occupied with the drug stuff. But someone once said that the surgery stuff turns into a bad dream later on. And once you are past this chemo stuff you kind of block it out of your mind. Who the hell wants to remember that crap anyway? So now I am at another crossroad of trying to see if I feel up to trying to work again. I have a great fear about the crazy seizure trip. It obviously isn’t under control yet, and who wants to be on a bus or at a new job and have it sneak up. I kind of feel a new job and stress of work would work me up to be pretty stressed. I am trying not to think about it, but to procrastinate it a bit. I have to discuss it all with the doctor next week.
My recommendation to everyone run as fast as you can 2 feet ahead of yourself at all times. If you start to ask yourself questions or have to deal with too many skeletons in your own attic run faster.
I miss running.
The questions to avoid is knowing why we do things. A lot of psycho-babble crap. What we are really looking for, what are we running from. Where we are running to. Why we do the things we do, act the way we do, look the way we do. OK if I still had my rock star hair do I would have almost looked like the greek poser guy on queer eye. He made me happy I cut my locks.
Now more than ever I have been slowed down so bad, and think well I am on borrowed time and 3 strikes I am out. This seizure thing keeps me just in check enough so that every-time I think I want to sell the house buy a bike and ride off and start over somewhere else. My brain says… um yeah we won’t let you ride a bike. Wrong answer retard. So I get to thinking and I want to do better things with my time sometimes. Like how could I get involved to help people? Well I have to be able to get out of my own way first things first. I mean is someone wants to drive up to my house and pick me up so I can help them, then I can come up with a system. But usually people need you to come to them. And what do I mean with helping people. I don’t know exactly. That is the other problem. I mean the only way to make a living at it (not that I am trying to abuse the needy, it’s just the mortgage company doesn’t accept a check of good deeds at the end of the month) Is that you need some degree or something to really make a go at something. I mean I would not mind volunteering with some stuff. What exactly I don’t know. When I was in Morristown Memorial Hospital for what I call hell-week. There were some volunteers that came around at night to talk to people, there was one person that would play guitar, and another one that would give you a message. I never saw the guitar player I don’t think. The masseuse I just thought who would want to touch a guy that hasn’t had a good shower in like 4 days. Sponge / towel bathing is not the same. So vanity got in the way there. So like I was saying this one woman volunteer came around and you know me I can get to talking sometimes, and in the hospital it gets lonely, especially when you are isolated. There are those really beat times like after visiting hours to until breakfast. Those hours suck. During the day that is broken up by at least 3 meals and sometimes you get a visitor during the day and night. So it was cool we talked for awhile and I found out about what she did, and I told her about my condition and crap. There are also clergy that come around and talk to you, but not being a proper church going guy, I always feel like I am going to say the wrong thing or that I am a sinner or something, even though I am Presbyterian which is not really a very strict church. I don’t know.
The point to this whole thing is and as this blog will show you, I can talk a lot and I always thought that maybe something like that is something I could do. Go to the hospital and just talk with people. If you can find an older person that could be a great experience I think. A lot of people have lived through so much. And many people get lonely.
So I guess now that the cards are down and I am looking around maybe I am not supposed to go back to running so far ahead. I guess it breaks you down. Who knows people read what they want into anything and everything.
So that is my inspirational story for today, Bob wants to help a little!
Or a do-over of my life, but I aint getting that, because I would call a time out by 27 at the latest, and want another do-over so none of this happens.
I want a trade in. A 14th chance at this life.
10:00 PM
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