November 2002 rediagnosed with a recurring tumor I am going to bring you through the whole fun thing
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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.
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Brain Tumor History And Other Rants
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Sunday, October 19, 2003
It’s weird the way you start to think when you don’t have complete control over your body. In this I mean the seizures that I still seem to have that strike randomly. Whenever I am out it is a huge stress for me. I look around a room and always think, “OK, where would I run to hide it out if it strikes. I think of everywhere I go like that. If I take the bicycle around the corner I think about hitting the dirt. At a wedding I attended the other week, I thought the table clothes make under the table the perfect place. I search out nooks where I can go and hide out the storm. I try not to think about it at all but the anxiety is always within arm reach. Thinking about the actual experience of it is the worst. There is no explaining the feeling unless you have ever had no control of yourself. But even then, you lose feeling in parts of your body, so you don’t even feel everything happening. Afterwards is the craziest, not feeling your whole left side speech slurred, not being able to move to get up or roll over. Imagine your body being a skipping record, and you know how annoying that is, ok maybe some of you only know how annoying a skipping CD is. Then imagine you can’t get it to stop. During the whole thing sometimes I feel a pulling backwards, I don’t know if that is a twitching thing or a mild in and out of consciousness. Because sometimes when I am falling asleep I feel the same type of slipping away.
I have a reaction to anesthesia the same way. After surgery for a week or two it is hard for me to fall asleep. I keep thinking that I am falling under. For anyone that’s ever been put under it is weird because you are passing out not under your control. So falling asleep is the same way. I would imagine if you die peacefully it’s gotta feel the same way. So I guess my mind gets messed up from that (hey my mind is messed up enough already). So it takes like a couple weeks of falling asleep for it to go away. It’s almost funny I am just about to fall asleep and I jump up, like I am fighting sleep. But my mind is just fighting slipping away. I guess I really do have some fight to live instinct or something.
But enough fun stuff for now we could get back to that fun stuff later.
DJing is weird. I have done a ton of private parties. There are certain families I have seen several times in a year. They have parties for everything. Then you have families like mine, you are lucky if there is a wedding, but don’t worry we will get you on the other side at the funeral. Heck I am a rotten uncle that misses most birthday parties for my nieces.
For that 4 hours you are playing music you have to be up, the encouraging life of the party. Dealer with drunks that like music, people who think their music is the best, no I won’t play light my fire at a wedding. It’s the type of situation where for me, before and after it’s like having mood swings just to get the energy up. So before a gig and after grumpy is around, think about it I have to hide grumpy for those whole 4 hours. I think this especially happens when I am doing gigs by myself and I don’t have someone else to bounce energy off of.
Everyone thinks it’s such a great gig. Well you have to enjoy it on some level. For me number 1, it pays great for the time you put in you do great. I think I finally figured the whole thing out when playing to a crowd that loved cheesy disco one night, Djing, it’s not the job that sucks, but the music. You will have crowds that want to stay on one genre all night and that sucks, you run out of killer songs from that time after awhile.
But after X number of jobs am I psyched about it, nah. I mean fun for me is something at least different. A biker event when you can blast out any rock you want is cool.
8:55 PM
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