November 2002 rediagnosed with a recurring tumor I am going to bring you through the whole fun thing
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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.
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Brain Tumor History And Other Rants
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Saturday, October 11, 2003
Where did it all go wrong? You get old. You start looking back at everything in your life. Everything in your life gets a glossy coat. Even if someone shits on you, your mind can rewrite history and you can think of that person. You wonder where they are what they are doing. Sometimes I think like when I think of a person and place. Maybe they are there, like some freaky psychic connection and they are opening the memory by being in that location. Or maybe they are thinking of you also, and that is how the mind works it brings up a positive thought. But how does this theory work if that person that is thinking of you is thinking bad thoughts, like how much of an asshole you were.
Convoluted theories that mean nothing or anything you want to believe. Life’s like that I guess good for what you want it to be. Hey remember what Bret Michaels said “Give me something to believe in” (Him and Bon Jovi are the great philosophers of our time!)
Too much time breeds too much thinking also.
So where did it go wrong. The common answer is the childhood trip. Was I the weird one growing up? Were you? I mean I did grow my hair long. I did buy a motorcycle, but those were days that I stayed busy enough so dust didn’t settle on me. You didn’t look back, you just moved forward, the good old days. I guess if you think you had a good little run it’s better than no run at all.
The rest of your life you live vicariously through your little run. If you know what I am talking about then you are old too.
But a sign of getting old is that you have slowed down enough to reflect on the past because your current life is empty. You have somehow slowed down, or lacking something, or your mind is just telling you that a part of your life was better. Remember your mind gloss’s over things. Think of a bad illness you had. You really don’t think of these. Pain is temporary, unless you are in it right now, then it is all encompassing. But once it’s gone its gone, your mind gets rid of the bad stuff. Convenient how that happens, must be a protection device, so why does the mind allow bad people in your life?
“God” gave man free will, and that allows us to make every mistake ourselves. Even if you outlined in a book every teenage mistake and it’s consequences, teens would still have to roll the dice on at least ½ the risks to gamble the consequences themselves. That’s just the way it is.
What do you get out of it. Hopefully you have bonded some friendships so you can commiserate about your good runs together. I have bonded a lot closer with a small group of friends even more in the past year. It makes it better and harder. They stick with you like bbq sauce on ribs to help you hang in there. But when you want to punch out you realize you can’t hurt them. It’s a double edged sword. When the cards are down and the pain is an 11 it is easier to punch out all the pain is gone.
It’s amazing what doctors have to go through sometimes to save people. And what happens if you are left a vegetable, you were saved for a machine to keep you in limbo.
There are some ways to live that aren’t worth living.
I still contend if you have your health that is the 1st right of passage in this life. If you have something health wise holding you back, everything is that much harder.
We bitch and moan about so much but if you are able to bitch and moan you are still breathing do it and get it over with.
One thing we can’t buy back with all the money in the bank is time, wasting it sucks.
Regrets are a horrible curse, if you don’t do or try something you can never go back to that time, you can’t change what you do. Sometimes you can’t change what you say or do here or now, and you can never come back to now to fix that.
Maybe I am the only one not having fun anymore – not bitter!
Life’s like mayonnaise soda.
Life’s like bacon and ice cream That’s what life’s like without you.
Life’s forever dealing in hurt Now life’s like death without living that’s what life’s like without you
So, so here we are again in the attic of trash seeing what rattles.
It’s easy enough to say what’s wrong, that’s not what I want to hear all night long.
I want to walk baby not be carried out I don’t want to give it up
I’m not meant to be married I am no dog you tie up and put in a parked car
6:05 PM
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