November 2002 rediagnosed with a recurring tumor I am going to bring you through the whole fun thing
|
|
| |
|
|
| |
This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.
|
|
|
|
Brain Tumor History And Other Rants
|
|
| |
Saturday, December 20, 2003
12/20/03
So I can't be the only one that gets stoked by Bobby D. Bob Dylan to all you hipsters. The man can write a song.
Standing in the Doorway from Time Out of Mind
I'm walking through the summer nights
Jukebox playing low
Yesterday everything was going too fast
Today, it's moving too slow
I got no place left to turn
I got nothing left to burn
Don't know if I saw you, if I would kiss you or kill you
It probably wouldn't matter to you anyhow
You left me standing in the doorway, crying
I got nothing to go back to now
The light in this place is so bad
Making me sick in the head
All the laughter is just making me sad
The stars have turned cherry red
I'm strumming on my gay guitar
Smoking a cheap cigar
The ghost of our old love has not gone away
Don't look like it will anytime soon
You left me standing in the doorway crying
Under the midnight moon
Maybe they'll get me and maybe they won't
But not tonight and it won't be here
There are things I could say but I don't
I know the mercy of God must be near
I've been riding the midnight train
Got ice water in my veins
I would be crazy if I took you back
It would go up against every rule
You left me standing in the doorway, crying
Suffering like a fool
When the last rays of daylight go down
Buddy, you'll roll no more
I can hear the church bells ringing in the yard
I wonder who they're ringing for
I know I can't win
But my heart just won't give in
Last night I danced with a stranger
But she just reminded me you were the one
You left me standing in the doorway crying
In the dark land of the sun
I'll eat when I'm hungry, drink when I'm dry
And live my life on the square
And even if the flesh falls off of my face
I know someone will be there to care
It always means so much
Even the softest touch
I see nothing to be gained by any explanation
There are no words that need to be said
You left me standing in the doorway crying
Blues wrapped around my head
Aaaah according to Bobby D. he aint never been treated fair I guess.
Some people don't like his whiny voice or politics whatever. Read the man's words and they will hit you on some level.
It seems like the more time we have the more we waste. Ever notice that? Time and real estate are cast in stone you can't create more of it.
It sucks feeling like you are old. I mean there are crossroads in your life. When you are real young the older girls are better looking, well they develop sooner the boyish looking ones your age. And then you catch up with them. In High School the girls try to look college age, but they don't have the hips. So they go to college drink beer, and low and behold they finally get the curves. It's all down hill from there. So I think college time is the ultimate, that's your peek. That's why the military loves to get you at 18. Then you leave college, another landmark is one day you are out and then you say to yourself. Hey kid, mommies looking alright. That is a scary day, but you accept it, and move on. You have matured, you have no need to drive past a high school anymore, remember, no hips. I don't think colleges ever lose their appeal. But you have moved onto another phase. Then you wake up one day, you are not involved in current music, you don't get it, you are not changing with the times. You no longer buy the new CD's every year. You buy old standbys, Bob Dylans catalogue, etc. Man it sucks getting old. You realize that you are no longer in that loop you are out of it. You are the age that The Who sang about dying before you got old. Welcome to getting older. Hey The Who did it, but with a lot more money, and if they need to print more they just do another final tour and kill off a band member (that killing off a band member is going to shorten their career for sure). I have not enjoyed 30. I thought I hated 25, that was a picnic, at least I was still in the game then. I feel like the kid in the home alone movie. Here's where all my free time goes, this introspective crap.
Maybe it's just this crap I have gone through. I dunno. I have basically been dropped out all year. I haven't accomplished anything I should have been doing at age 30. I should have been working my ass off getting somewhere. When your health drops out, then it is all down hill. I haven't driven a car in a year. I have no personal freedom, just what friends and family drive me around for. It is a change of lifestyle bigtime. There are no close stores living on top of a mountain in Jersey. Most of the year I haven't had any money to go shopping anyway.
A point here, only that it sucks losing your freedom of driving. It's like, ok let's take your health your driving your job. Go have fun.
It's been a constant adjustment. I am not used to not having my freedom at all. Sometimes I have dreams of having a motorcycle again. The freedom I had when I had the bike and would go out alone riding was awesome. That might have been the most fun with my clothes on.
Funny it was great because it was all that existed you, the bike, the open road, no job, problems commitments etc.
The cool part is in your dream you can have the new bike you want, and not have to figure out how to pay for it.
In life it's like here's what you can and can't do. Cars, bikes on the list of can't do's indefinitely.
I have told people it is like I can become a random drunk driver at a moments notice with a seizure. I will always be on medication for them, and one can strike at anytime anywhere. So who knows, that bus that just drove past you might have jumped the curb and got you also. And the person that did a quick pick after you won the big one.
I finally started doing some mail stuff for kids that have brain tumors. It is a website where you can read about kids, their situations, you can send them, their brothers sisters, and parents cards saying I hope you are having a nice day. They recommend not putting in hope you feel better because a lot of the kids won't ever get better. The first kid I started writing to was an 11 year old boy with a brain tumor. He had been through leukemia when he was younger and now was near the end. This is the type of perspective crap. Well I may hate being this old but I made it this far, go ahead punch me out. Davin, only had 11 years and fought a lot of the time. It sucks, I used to see it at NYU because there were children there being treated. I may hate being this old, but I got this far. A lot of these kids never make it out of the gate. It really bummed me out. I had just sent 2 Christmas books out to Davin and his sister, and then I read the email that said he died. It was like I knew it was gonna happen. Well ok we knew it was gonna happen, but it doesn't make it any better. So Bob's big Christmas story goes to Davin I guess if you are older than 11 be happy. And to paraphrase South Park: If you are sad about something, you must have been happy about something once, so just be glad you had that happiness at one point in your life. If you got little ones, don't forget them, no matter how annoying they are. Dying at 11 sucks, he never got anywhere near the hey kid mommies looking alright phase (see stages in life above). Davin passed in his sleep, and I am glad he doesn't have to be tortured with any more treatments, that's no way to live either.
I mean I like living don't get me wrong. I just wish I didn't miss my life. I mean this whole year was a wash. It don't do much to boost you up. Yeah Ok some drugs kicked me down and propped me up. But is it as simple as a common cold being gone, no remember, the end can suck for me, but so can anyone who walks on a sidewalk as a bus drives by. I guess it is the not having control, you can always jump from a bus, but you can't run from the big C if this thing wants to kick my butt it will win. I just wish I could have a life back again and have a little fun once in a while.
Davin kid you missed out on a lot of fun crap.
8:57 PM
|
|
| |
|
|
|
