November 2002 rediagnosed with a recurring tumor I am going to bring you through the whole fun thing
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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.
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Brain Tumor History And Other Rants
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Friday, January 16, 2004
1/16/04
So it’s been a year since I left work. Tomorrow will be a year since my surgery. Where did the year go? I mean I have made it out of this therapy, but the disease is still winning in a way. I don’t have my freedom still. I feel like I have been hovering over the airport for a year. I had a friend that is doing well tell me that these are the most productive years of our lives, where we should be raking it in and climbing up the ladder. Oh, I somehow missed that memo. I got sidetracked is all. The up part is I am still above ground. I guess it is just frustrating to be young and not in control of what’s going on. Hell I have accomplished a hell of a lot of doctor appointments. I told them that they should have frequent patient programs. What can I say in reflection that I haven’t babbled on about before? I guess I can bang out the newest update. I had an MRI and a couple doctor appointments already this year. I have one more on next Monday. I haven’t been getting sick from my maintenance chemo program. That’s a bonus. I saw my seizure doctor last week. It was kind of a routine appointment. I asked him about additional treatments in case of a third round. He was against the thought of a stem-cell rescue program. He personally doesn’t see enough results from them. I am not a big fan. I mean put me in the hospital try to shut down my whole body then jump start it with some frozen stem cells? And I thought the food was un-appealing in a hospital. So this doctor said he didn’t really see too a lot of results from this treatment. It don’t take much to convince me not to volunteer for torture. He did bring up that the future of treatment is finding a way to just target the actual gene or tumor that is acting up and knocking that out. Right now the chemo I take attacks my whole body as well as the tumor. The trouble is we are not at the point where we can go right after what we need to yet. The moral of the story is everyday above ground is another day advanced in medicine. So take this lesson with you:
The longer you live, the longer the doctors can make you live. If you die, they can’t help you. That is the moral here.
Can we make it a little friggin colder out? I had to get that out. Screw all you southern people where it’s hot!!!
Where I am at in a song today:
Lou Reed Trade In From Set the twighlight reeling
I met a new me at 8 am, the other one got lost
This was not a trade in, although I wouldn’t believe the cost
I woke up crying as we said goodbye
Me an my old self, each day he vanished more and more
As I became someone else
He actually was murdered I had taken him apart
But when I put him back together, I couldn’t find his heart
It was resting underneath a chair, in a bed of bright tin foil
If I pulled back the flaps, I could still see it beat
I could still hear his voice uncoil, as I said :
I want a trade in, a 14th chance at this life
I’ve met a woman with a thousand faces
And I want to make her my wife
How could I have been so mistaken, how could I think that it was true
A child that is raised by an idiot, and that idiot then becomes you
How could I believe in a movie, how could I believe in a book
But most of all how could I listen to you, such an obvious schmuck
A life spent listening to assholes, it’s funny but it’s true
So get rid of them I said to myself
But first I’m getting rid of you
I want a trade in, a 14th chance at this life
I’ve met a woman with a thousand faces
And I want to make her my wife
Take me over to the window, my heart said to my head
Please set me on fine, so we can start again
I was so wrong that it’s funny, and I can’t apologize
But instead you can be everything that I’m not, the second that I die
Ooohhh, I want a trade in, the second chance at this life
I’ve met a woman with a thousand faces
And I want to make her my wife
Ha!
A 14th chance at this life, I want a trade in ...
... I said ... uuuhhh, 14th, 14th chance at this life
Lou Reed kicks ass, as if I never told you that either….
You get to points where you always think the grass is greener on the other side.
Well it never is, you know that. I look at my crap I went through and at the end of the day it really isn’t a big deal. I go to sleep, and get up in the morning everything in between is a void really. I made it to 30, I mean 30 has sucked, don’t get me wrong. But when I went to the clinic in the city to see little kids all messed up sucked. So it’s all perspective, and I hate that, well there’s always someone worse off than you crap. At the end of the day, I can’t help that person and they can’t help me so we are worthless to each other.
But you do get to the point where you want a trade in sometimes, like hey I bought this new high tech gadget and it’s a friggin lemon. What are you gonna do I should have gotten the extended warranty on my head and my life.
No it aint that bad, heat is on food in my tummy all that good stuff. I guess the void I have put myself in sucks. I had very social jobs previously and now, I don’t have that anymore. I feel a lot of times even friends are off in their lives and it sucks for them to be there sometimes, no they don’t think that but it just sucks not being able to have my freedom I guess.
That’s why I think of trade in a lot of times. I just want to start over. Pick up and start over with a clean slate. I would love to shave 10 years off also, but so would anyone over 28 I think.
I guess you get used to a lifestyle. Since 17 I was able to basically get around on my own, come and go as I wanted / needed to. I have spent 13 months now having to be driven around. Trust me those around me aren’t enjoying the fact that when they drop me off I don’t tip.
I guess the independence is hard to lose. Chemo sick is throwing up without the party. I lost my driving like I caught with like 3 first time DWI’s. 18 months minimum without driving. I don’t miss the car payments anymore that’s for sure. I miss my car though driving and New Jersey, our whole state is set up to drive.
The whole damn experience is friggin emancipating. I mean I have managed to keep the house afloat all the bills, but I can’t really do much for myself.
OK I know the self-loathing. Hey you logged onto MY page!!!
So what would you change if you could change anything? Like you could answer, I mean the brain thing, I guess, a lot stems from that. But that is something that I kind of deal with at this point. I just really want my life back. I mean throw me a bunch of cash, I mean a bunch and I will figure out how to deal with things a lot better. At the end of the day money makes money. Hell if I could buy and sell real estate I could turn money especially in this overpriced area. I wouldn’t mind breaking out and totally starting over, I have this bad instinct of wanting to split and start somewhere else like my demons won’t follow me, but they always do. There is no distance you can travel to get away from your own demons. I would still wake up and be me.
7:46 PM
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