November 2002 rediagnosed with a recurring tumor I am going to bring you through the whole fun thing
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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.
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Brain Tumor History And Other Rants
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Sunday, February 01, 2004
2/1/04
Ani Difranco First CD:
the slant
the slant
a building settling around me
my figure female framed crookedly
in the threshold
of the room
door scraping floorboards
with every opening
carving a rough history
of bedroom scenes
the plot hard to follow
the text obscured
in the folds of sheets
slowly gathering the stains
of seasons spent lying there
red and brown
like leaves fallen
the colors of an eternal cycle
fading with the
wash cycle
and the rinse cycle
again an unfamiliar smell
like my name misspelled
or misspoken
a cycle broken
the sound of them strong
stalking talking about their prey
like the way hammer meets nail
pounding, they say
pounding out the rhythms of attraction
like a woman was a drum like a body was a weapon
like there was something more they wanted
than the journey
like it was owed to them
steel toed they walk
and i'm wondering why this fear of men
maybe it's because i'm hungry
and like a baby i'm dependent on them
to feed me
i am a work in progress
dressed in the fabric of a world unfolding
offering me intricate patterns of questions
rhythms that never come clean
and strengths that you still haven't seen
OK no I am not trying to estrogen this page up. Sometimes you gotta appreciate writing. And besides I don’t need to explain it all…. So I have been slacking off and haven’t written in awhile. New stuff? Ok we can say I am one month “event” free. But every time I try to get out “they pull me back in” (had to quote the godfather). So everytime I seem to get cocky about things BANG I get another. But I have increased my med’s again in mid-January so, so far the cocktail of drugs seem to be holding off the storm. I have had a good amount of “ticks” usually they indicate I have something coming up. So if I think one is coming yeah, I am not out of this thing. The non-driving thing is real old in the winter. Cabin fever like I have a rash sometimes it seems.
So the lack of entries I guess comes from mostly lack of information. I had a clear MRI a couple weeks ago, so that is positive. It took like 2 weeks to get the news about that. I have to figure out how to dump this doctor, and get a new one. I have an appointment with him one more time on the 12th. It might just be my last one. All my last appointments it was like I couldn’t get any answers I needed or wanted. So a couple of weeks ago I brought a transfer of records request to my old doctors old office to get the records brought over. Now he has no excuse my records will all be in my folder.
So I will see. The doctor thing is really more glamorous than it seems. I picked a weird hobby going to see doctors so much. I should have stuck to motorcycles.
Sometimes I feel like I am haunted by ghosts of my life. And I mean that figuratively not literally, well hopefully at least. I mean the past year has given me a lot of reflection time. I grew up 30 miles east of here. A lot of times when I am out and I drive by an area where something happened it makes me think of those times and places. Some of this is compounded I guess by the whole sickness and life reflecting thing I guess. Also I haven’t really had a social life in a year.
So I have a lot of reflecting time. It seems that life gets so different when you let it. I mean you can’t like all the new music forever. So what happens? You become musically old. I mean the older I get the older my music tastes get it seems. You don’t really move forward with the times.
I mean it is all about what you do for yourself. So I try to keep myself busy, and I am trying to guide this year into getting back to a life.
6:57 PM
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