November 2002 rediagnosed with a recurring tumor I am going to bring you through the whole fun thing
|
|
| |
|
|
| |
This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.
|
|
|
|
Brain Tumor History And Other Rants
|
|
| |
Thursday, April 22, 2004
4/21/04
People will keep you guessing. You do what you can, I mean I guess I can be overzealous with things.
It is interesting to reflect back to the hell I lived through last year. I guess still being above ground is the common goal here, hey you can only avoid death for so long eventually it wins. I guess a little of what has me nuts is being in the middle of a lot of moving pieces right now. I am going through the end of a relationship which has been ending for at least a year now. So now I have to re-set up my house for just me. I have been in talks with my old job about going back to work. Sometimes it just feels like all the crap has to happen at once. Like there?s a secret society that makes sure that the shit hits the fan all at once for everyone. I used to feed off this type of energy now I am not used to it. I feel like I have all these plates in the air. Oh well I guess it?s like everything else just deal with it the only thing I can control is myself in this whole situation. Everything and everyone else needs to just get inline. I hate being at the mercy of relying on other people. But it is good to have some friends to help.
Imagine not being able to come and go as you please. I mean your whole life you get in the car and go about your life. Then imagine having to eat a big piece of humble pie and having to ask someone to help get you around.
Imagine that... You can't.
I see people come and go in and out of the cancer center. I can see the look. I know the look all the subtle things, that you might not notice I pick up on in the pain of these people. Even outside of the center, I can pick them out sometimes. Why is that lady wearing that bandana, no she isn?t Sinead O?Connor?s mother, look at the bags under her eyes, you can read the pain.
It?s amazing what people will go through to breathe another day.
And then the lesson in perspective, this is where I was at last year at this time, what a difference a year makes:
5/3/03
Ok so it took me 2 weeks to get back to this update.
My excuse, when you feel nauseous you don?t want to write about it.
So Mo went out with some friends on Friday the 18th, which left our hero, your truly up to his own devices. And what does this crazy ex-biker do? Take a shower and pop popcorn in the microwave and put in a dvd of Swingers. So there I am me, the 2 dogs and the warm glow of the TV. All of sudden in the scene where they are in the trailer with the two girls, my left eye starts twitching. I can?t believe it I am having another seizure. I turned the TV off, grabbed the phone and laid face down on the bed. Fortunately this one was only a facial one and was relatively quick. It still left me feeling nerved out. Needless to say I wasn?t in the mood to watch this movie anymore. I went to sleep a little while later.
So you think that would be it right?
Well the next day Mo and I were on our way to WalMart I think, right there in the car, facial seizure number 2. OK no they don?t get more fun. But who knows, maybe they will.
So here we go with round 2 start up. April 21, and 22 I went to NYU for Chemo injections. I also at the same time take oral chemo for 5 days, morning and night (Monday ? Friday). So I got back Monday night, I knew I would be able to get dinner in. I had Uncle Bens rice. I didn?t want to experiment with anything too much, since I might see it again. So about 8:30 I started to feel a little queasy. I knew this was going to happen. About 9:20 I knew it was time to go. I headed upstairs, I was staying by my parents, I don?t have an upstairs. Well I am glad I knew it was time to go. Well Uncle Ben came back to visit. I continued to pump my own stomach every 20 minutes for 2 hours. By the 5th or 6th time, I had nothing left. This was around 11:30 and I finally fell asleep. First day over!
Second day back to the city for the second day of injections, how am I feeling? Cruddy. Well this is what I am supposed to feel for a week. My doctor thinks that if my tumor reacts like my body we are in good luck. My doctor let me know also that he is leaving NYU in September for the University of Southern California. Now most people would be upset about this. But here?s my perspective. My chemo will be done before that. And Bob don?t want no more of this torture. So I am done, out, finished. So, he can go and I will go back to work and life. That?s what I am thinking at least. So we left the city. I went home and just sulked, eating very little. I stayed in bed from Wednesday to Friday basically. I found that this time around I was a lot more sensitive to smells. From food cooking to perfumes, it all smelled bad. I mean me laying around in bed taking toxic chemicals, you know I smelled good. But just because I laid around all week that didn?t mean it was an uneventful week. You know I would never be that boring.
Thursday night Mo got home and I was pretty run down feeling sick, I tried to eat chicken nuggets we had from the super market, I wanted to eat but everything tasted bad. I was walking from the bedroom and I wanted to walk back to it, just figuring I would just go back to laying down. But then I started walking in a circle. I didn?t know why. Just circling in a small pattern like around a 1 foot diameter. Mo thought I was just being wacky. Then it h it me SEIZURE. I said Mo, help me. I just wanted to get down to the floor. Now I was sitting and my arm was flailing around in a circle. Man that was freaky. None of this was under my control. Then I wanted to lay on my stomach. I think I told mo this or motioned. I had a pretty intense one. I was trying to tell myself to STOP. It is a mind trick I try to use. I don?t know if it helps or not. I was foaming from the mouth, face in the carpet. My eyes were blinking, or I was flicking in and out of wakeness, I still don?t know. I was trying to say stop in my head which was skipping like a broken record, but that wasn?t working, so then I just started praying I would black out. It did let up. I think the whole thing lasted probably no longer than 2 minutes. It seems a lot longer while it is happening. When it was done I was very stiff. Mo?s foot was under me and I wanted her to move it but I was like dead weight and she couldn?t move me. I lifted a little and she pulled her leg out. I sat up, trying to gain control of my senses and to calm down, my left arm was completely numb. I lifted it and it just dropped. I couldn?t control it or feel it. But then I felt the tingling of feeling come back in. I think this arm got wedged under me during the seizure and probably lost blood flow. So feeling came back, but the arm was weak and fatigued. I felt like peeing so, I went to get up and walk to the bathroom. I was hobbling along though. My left leg was very fatigued also. So I took more med?s and got on the phone to my seizure doctor, or whoever was on call. So you call the number and get the phone service, you tell them you need the doctor, they page him or her, and they call you back. So I told him the whole run of events, and he said well I want you to go to the emergency room and get a CBC (blood test) and a cat scan. So the timeline here: seizure at about 7:00. At the ER probably 8:15. I got out at like 2 am. Another fun evening with Bob. Mo drove me to Morristown?s ER, she stuck around till like 9pm, hoping for some ER action. None for her. My father met us there and stuck with me till I got released.
10:58 PM
|
|
| |
|
|
|
