November 2002 rediagnosed with a recurring tumor I am going to bring you through the whole fun thing
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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.
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Brain Tumor History And Other Rants
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Wednesday, February 16, 2005
2/16/05
OK self loathing post if you want to laugh go read the funny papers. So as you can see from the previous post’s numbers, everyday is an adventure. I know they will definitely happen just at what times. All the med’s I am on which are all rearing weird side effects in me also. The trouble with the med’s is they are only band aids over the pumping artery. They don’t fix anything, they just try to mask and suppress it from happening now granted my events now are easier than some of my more past violent trips. I just have a fear now of going places, it’s not even the thing about hating people, that I can get over. I just know that I am always a ticking time bomb. I was looking through my calendar over the last year for taxes and I would see months where I maybe had 1 or 2 episodes. I would call that a good day now. I feel like my physical quality of life is slipping, I know I am only a couple days away from an outline of a plan hopefully. I try to always stay in the here and now and I am not concerned what I can’t fix in the future. But it is always looming. This is truly being disabled. I have been trying to fix my social security disability, but everytime I call I get a different person and different answers. The last time I called I was laying facedown – mid event and told the lady that if I left the call I was having a seizure. She repeated back to me did you just say, I said yes, and I need to get my disability payments straightened out with you. Oh, is it straight, no, she scheduled a time for someone from my local office to call me in March, her first available appointment time. I told her I have a looming surgery date and might not be around, her answer, well call back and we will change the call. I need the check! Well actually my house wants the check for the bank.
I used to love wrestling and sorting all this stuff out on the phone. I mean hell I used to get paid to get rejected, by selling. But now doing it drives my anxiety through the roof, to where I don’t even want to do it, but I have to keep the parts moving. Med’s coming in, paperwork moving all that stuff, all calls that have to be kept up on.
My close friends are really helping me through this time. Even not so close anymore people drop lines that will pick me up.
I saw a couple yesterday I was dizzy as hell felt totally stoned my pupils were dilated like dimes.
I always said it’s the not knowing that can be worse than knowing, you gotta see me when I start self-diagnosing, I get crazy. Thus I am and never will be a doctor. Besides everyone knows it’s living that will kill you.
I am at peace with the whole drama this time. I have reason to fight and I don’t want to punch out, but I see a lot worse around me. Especially when I see a kid with my problems I always think, I got a lot longer to be free of suffering.
Bob Dylan
Tryin’ To Get To Heaven
People on the platformsWaiting for the trains
I can hear their hearts a-beatin'
Like pendulums swinging on chains
When you think that you lost everything
You find out you can always lose a little more
I'm just going down the road feeling bad
Trying to get to heaven before they close the door
Lou Reed From album magic and loss
Magician
Magician, magician
Take me upon your wings, and
Gently roll the clouds away
I’m sorry, so sorryI have no incantations
Only words to help sweep me away
I want some magic to sweep me away
I want some magic to sweep me away
I want to count to five
Turn around and find myself gone
Fly through the storm
And wake up in the calm
Release me from this body
From this bulk that moves beside me
Let me leave this body far away
I’m sick of looking at me
I hate this painful body
That disease has slowly worm away
Magician take my spirit
Inside I’m young and vital
Inside I’m alive, please take me away
So many things to do, it’s too early
For my life to be ending
For this body, to simply rot away
I want some magic to keep me alive
I want a miracle, I don’t want to die
I’m afraid that if I go to sleep I’ll never wake
I’ll no longer existI’ll close my eyes and disappear
And float into the mist
Somebody, please hear me
My hand can’t hold a cup of coffee
My fingers are weak, things just fall away
Inside I’m young and pretty
Too many things unfinished
My very breath taken away
Doctor you’re no magician
And I am no believer
I need more than faith can give me now
I want to believe in miracles
Not just belief in numbers
I need some magic to take me away
I want some magic to sweep me away
I want some magic to sweep me away
Visit on this starlit night
Replace the stars the moon the light, the sun’s gone
Fly me through this storm
And wake up in the calm
I fly right through this storm
And I wake, up, in, the, calm
For all this morbidity (is that even a word), to wrap up on a positive note, I am at peace in life. I think it is because I am no longer longing / looking to fill that hole in my life. The emptiness I lived with my whole life it seems. She is right at my side everyday.
Thank you Heather.
4:31 PM
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