November 2002 rediagnosed with a recurring tumor I am going to bring you through the whole fun thing
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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.
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Brain Tumor History And Other Rants
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Friday, February 25, 2005
2/25/05
OK for real data I am penciled in for the 7th pre-testing and the 10th for surgery. The meeting still didn’t happen because some of the attending doctor’s were away on vacation. So they have no answer’s for me yet but we did put in some dates in pencil for me.
Here’ are some ramblings from when I couldn’t sleep last night some funny some reflective and some notes at the bottom, ie if you don’t want this psycho babble check the bottom of this entry at least.
I lay here and review my life in slow motion, times, people, places, events, ages. It’s like they sway your whole life before your eyes but it’s like it’s in slow motion not a flash. Here was your life time’s places people maybe it’s the significant things and people that made me who I am which makes some sense it runs the gambit of emotions of things that made me glad, sad, angry the works yes you people that hurt me are there. I do this for an hour or 2 a night just waiting for sleep my only true peace right now. It’s weird and I feel bitter about a lot of things that went wrong which makes no sense being that I have such a special people in my life helping me through the current drama. I feel doing this reflection time I really don’t have a reason to be lonely other than my isolation from people all day and I used to be such a social person. I wish I could trade these 2 cats for one good dog. I really do. I think that would help. But taking care of myself is enough of a challenge right now a dog would be more work and physical strain but better company. I really don’t know why, all this loneliness I just seems like our whole lives people come and go the names and places change but the emotions are still there from those names and places. Scenes from one location happiness from other times in life it’s weird how the cards come out of the deck. I see it in some friends who try to hold me up but don’t know how much it will take out of me to stay around longer. How much physically and emotionally this does to someone you feel less than human, old, broken. Believe me going into my third round I know and don’t know what this will take. I know some of what I did before, but there will be new problems waiting to jump me. For those that don’t know by now. This will never leave my body. Part of all this is the isolation I think. I live in NJ, make car payments and insurance payments on a truck with 3800 miles that I can’t even drive. Then I have to be a teenager again and have to ask for rides around. I guess it’s my old independence and pride I need to kill off.
I have great people around me but some that are well off are at different places in their lives and we all see the world different. We get older the parties stop the hanging around stops the fun slows down and life owns you. I have a lot to be thankful for in this crisis mostly some important people. But I hold venom for others that I have never let go of. You know the kind; family kind, neighbor kind, friend and old friend kind. All that crap bottled up makes for some of the bitterness I Have but if I was to air all that dirty laundry here we could make at least a couple TV soap operas plots. Yeah wonder why I can’t fall asleep. This is the worst time for that venom. 10-12 at night generally are the worst times. My mind just wanders over things places people happiness dogs freedom having my health a world I could have with out feeling like a charity case – No I don’t have the worst and I say that all the a lot nowadays and it seems to help shift the forum of conversation off my crap so I don’t have to talk about it (which is good for my anxiety) I think about military personnel and their families at war and it just makes me just anothe4r good cancer customer the money is in the treatment.
One day I would like to have a dog again, or maybe I can just go to the farm where all the dogs are sent, I am glad my dad never told me that lie. They say you should have goals I will make that one, getting the dog that is. Tonight is the kind of night that makes you wish you had an on/off button.
You know life is like a buffet every day and learning just what to put on your plate and what not to is the trick, you put too much of one thing it will make you sick, especially negativity. You can only handle but so much on your plate, and only deal with that, me I got my health things. If I miss saying happy birthday, or going out to eat with you I am sorry trust me I miss going out to eat also. So I am going to only put on my plate what I can handle each day, and I need my friends to sometimes help me eat the dessert of still living each day.
Remember baskin robbins makes 31 flavors so I don’t have to like the one you pick, and I certainly ain’t eating it.
Friends don’t expect 6 quarters back when they loan you a dollar.
Don’t waste your days that are grains of sand slipping through your fingers.
Now if you read this regularly, I will drop some random memories that only make sense to me and a specific person, stick with me on this, and they are in no specific order:
By your side.
Dude you got married based on a flip of a quarter.
If you don’t like to eat food. He won’t trust you. He puts it all together. The nicest scar-face on the block.
Mike Tramp?
Mr. Bunny.
3:18 PM
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