November 2002 rediagnosed with a recurring tumor I am going to bring you through the whole fun thing
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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.
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Brain Tumor History And Other Rants
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Monday, December 18, 2006
12/18/06
My Bronx Guru has some advice he gave me that I think will be useful to a lot of people at this trying time we like to call the holidays.
You don’t choose your family, might not like them but a couple times a year you are forced to be around them.
You can’t make someone grow up, no matter what age they are (and I do mean the adults).
Some people just have to be the center of attention or no one is going to have a good time (and I do mean the adults).
And if said person acts up by pushing buttons it will be more effective if you do nothing. If you react to the button pushing, they will flip to the victim roll before you finish one sentence there in being the center of attention and you become bad cop. Because when it’s all said and done, no one will remember what started the altercation but they will remember your reaction.
Make sure you schedule some friend time in amongst this holiday chaos, so you can actually enjoy the time. Because if you had a friend that acted like this it would only be your fault for having them around. You could walk away.
Friendship should be about respect kindness support and understanding. If it is to much work it drains you. Don’t deal in negatives. Accentuate the positive people in your life.
Try to be the bigger person even if someone is to blind to see it it will make you sleep better than festering over negative energy.
Open and close your own doors in life and on January 1, 2007 open a new chapter in your life leaving any 2006 garbage sealed up in a time capsule. But take life’s lessons with you and never stop growing, and learning. Because at one time we were all 18 and knew everything we needed to know.
So in summation don’t be that person or encourage that person. Relationships are 2 way streets that need work, but shouldn’t be that much work. If someone family or not is pushing you away that hard let them push you away. Then they only have themselves to blame. Just know if they push you that far they won’t have an epiphany and realize the errors of their ways they will probably just say see I knew it all along. And blame you again for their misguided ways of thinking. But this is a New Year, a new chapter in your book. Only you can control forest fires don’t throw matches at a pile of dead leaves.
7:38 PM
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
A friend loves at all times
And a brother is born for adversity.
Proverb 17:22
A cheerful heart is a good medicine,
But a downcast spirit dries up the bones.
Proverb 18:24
There are friends who pretend to be friends,
But there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother.
Doors open and close.
I just had several friends from like 15 years ago find me on My Space. Last year I had some friends fade away and now I re-connect with some great people. Doors open for the newyear. This newyear will be good.
4:34 PM
RIP
May your soul rest in peace.....Michael Shwarts of Carlstadt, NJ was killed in Iraq November 24, 2006. He was killed by and Iraqi sniper, one fatal bullet to the neck killed him, he was only 20 years old.
No I didn't know him but, and he didn't know you either but American soldiers are dieing each day to keep us safe here...
12:54 PM
Monday, December 11, 2006
12/12/06
************ more added to bottom if you read the post on the 11th***********
David Bowie
Changes
I still don't know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets
Every time I thought I'd got it made
It seemed the taste
was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I've never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I'm much too fast to take that test
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the stranger)
Ch-ch-Changes
Don't want to be a richer man
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the stranger)
Ch-ch-Changes
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I can't trace time
I watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream
Of warm impermanence and
So the days float through my eyes
But still the days seem the same
And these children that you spit on
As they try to change their worlds
Are immune to your consultations
They're quite aware
of what they're going through
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the stranger)
Ch-ch-Changes
Don't tell them to grow up and out of it
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the stranger)
Ch-ch-Changes
Where's your shame
You've left us up to our necks in it
Time may change me
But you can't trace time
Strange fascination, fascinating me
Changes are taking the pace
I'm going through
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the stranger)
Ch-ch-Changes
Oh, look out you rock 'n rollers
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the stranger)
Ch-ch-Changes
Pretty soon you're gonna get
a little older
Time may change me
But I can't trace time
I said that time may change me
But I can't trace time
I don’t know but it seems that I have always been a bit of an older soul since I was younger I had older friends. To this day I have a close friend with a 21 year old daughter. But I am aware of changes that I have made some conscious and some just by time moving me along in years to situations that have added years to me. I think a lot had to do with the situation years that aged me and made me get older quicker. None of this is a claim of Bob-is-better-than-anyone. I am just an old soul that’s been run through the ringer several times. Along with my family and friends. There’s been times I was coming and going at the same time.
From about age 14 and up I grew up fast. I was pretty independent, and a lost soul at the same time. I think I have always sought a support system around me. Although made the system up and reconfigured it every few years. I think to have that stabilized with marriage now. I don’t take to losing important people to me well. I could careless about losing others. I take other grudges to the grave, not very healthy or Christian of me.
But back to changing, most people like music from their teenage years. I am no different except that over the years my taste in music has gotten older and older. I traced my music, mainly rock, back through their influences and got all the way back into deep blues and some jazz. I would find a song and catch a line someone used some 20 / 30 years later. Makes you see the whole picture a lot clearer.
I guess all I am saying is acknowledging my sense that I am a whole lot different person than I once was. For one I am no longer 17 and a know it all. There are things I would go back and change. 1 big regret is not enrolling in the military after college, I know I have covered this already, so I won’t break it all down again. We all have a path to go down. Mine turned out to be this I guess. It aint over yet but the years do seem to speed up over time. God I wish I knew at 17 what I know now. A lot of wasted time would be saved and put to use. I would have cut a lot of bullshit I put up with to rest. But the end result now might not be the same, so to be here and happy that’s what I had to do. Now I just want to live a more positive life. I didn’t think I could have claimed to have read the bible at 17 or be interested in church at all it’s not so much being a holy roller versus just wanting to be a better person on my own terms with some guidance. You can take and take in life.
But what are you giving to other’s lives? Are you making a difference? Have you helped anyone on any level or are you just on the take? Life is not all about you. Make the world a little better before you leave it.
“The program for this evening is nothing new. You have seen this entertainment thru and thru. You’ve seen your birth, your life & death you might recall all of the rest – (did you have a good world when you died?) – enough to base a movie on?”
Jim Morrison
4:47 PM
Friday, December 08, 2006
12/8/06
Ladders
Life is a journey upwards on a ladder. And can be part of my fear of heights. People and events are wrungs on this ladder. And every so often an event happens that can be worthy of a landing where you can stop for a minute and see your accomplishments, your failures, just enjoy how hard you worked to get that point. Take for instance our new house or more importantly our wedding. No matter how many broken wrungs are below that moment I was right where I was supposed to be. And all those broken wrungs be they old friends, disease a missed meal etc. None of that could hurt me because I was on a stable footing. Every day ladder climbing is scary. Again I don’t like heights. Things go wrong wrungs break, now you can fall. Now how far back you fall can cost you a lot. Not just monetarily but in where you climbed up to be. So set backs or slipped grips can scar the hell out of me. My biggest fear is losing everything in life I hold sacred. My goal in climbing up is to one day score me one of those clouds up there in the sky. But not anytime soon, I mean I want to meet Johnny Cash but my work is not done here yet. Sorry Johnny one day. No really I never did drugs, you know what I mean, why mess with my mind that is this twisted already? I don’t need any help in that way. My prescription drugs don’t get in the way of those. Ladders, goals, fears, hope, danger, progress, happiness. Everyday another step upwards.
6:23 PM
Thursday, December 07, 2006
12/7/06
We got a dusting of snow today as I write this and it is 18 degrees and falling. Yes a weather report from 2000 feet up and 30 miles from the border. Nothing new or philosophical today. I go for chemo tomorrow. No big deal just a 1 hour injection. I am getting it done in Pa. Heather has her first day of school tomorrow.
9:24 PM
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
12/6/06
Toot my own horn I will
It was said many years ago that I wouldn’t amount to much, I mean yeah a college degree from a state university – dime a dozen, except to those that don’t have them. Now that statement is only a ½ truth. The true part is I have not become successful in a career. I live on a fixed income. But to that end I have met my soul mate married her bought a new construction 12 room house on 7/10 of an acre my second house by the way. Although we are further from our families. We have launched a new life for us here. So the untruth to that statement is that I am successful in life, instead of becoming a doctor I just go see a bunch of doctor’s. Staying alive the past 7 years has been a battle. With the time I have invested in surviving I could be making doctor money. But you know what I am blessed with a wife, family, friends. I can not ask for more. I am a survivor. So guess what I amounted to a lot to myself my wife and my friends.
Think about that when you don’t grab onto life kicking and screaming give life a fight it’s worth being living and being happy. Ask yourself how many days do you want to wake up happy this week?
I am a survivor.
4:22 PM
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
12/5/06
You got 20 days to get it right.
Did you buy enough, too much, will ups get it here in time, did you forget anyone? Merry shopping season. Me, I am done and wrapped just need the tree and the 25th. Oh and holiday cards done also. Hey this is our houses first Christmas no other houses on our block, not that there’s many have lights outside, then you come to our house Vegas baby Vegas lighting!!!
Anyway let’s get deep and reflective. Who in your life would take you to the hospital, drop what they were doing and be by your side? Come visit you, take you for follow up visits? These people are your family, I mean even friends that are your family at times like that. Remember them not just now but throughout the year. Know that there are people that love our country so much that they have sacrificed their time with these people in their lives to risk their lives for you. Yeah, your messed up coffee order this morning doesn’t mean a thing to a mother who see’s a military car pull up in front of her house. I see people with veteran sticker’s, hats, anything indicating that they would be so noble for our country and I make a point of thanking them. Not just on veterans day, everyday, because they fought day in and night wherever they were sent rain or shine hot or cold. They are more dedicated than mailmen.
The chapters that have closed from last year I look forward to putting away and writing next years book. If you dropped off the radar, life has many 2 way streets and goes on. If you still stay in the loop by reading my thoughts I thank you for continuing to care I hope in some way I help you in life somehow. I am a fighter, a survivor, nothings gonna stop me now……I read something about a musician the other day in a book. He worked in an emergency room surgical team. He lives his life not wanting to waste 3 minutes here a week there because he knows and has seen how fast the end can be and I am sure that everyday there are people in combat that wish they had a few minutes more to say goodbye to some special people. Life it’s good to live but it will always be the number one killer at anytime the deli man in the sky can call your number.
2:15 PM
Monday, December 04, 2006
Year end wrap-up
This year has been amazing. I got to marry my best friend. Something a few years ago I thought was not possible. But here we are married, a new house, 2 dogs and a cat. We went to the Bahamas. There are a lot of things we have been blessed with and a lot to be thankful for including our good health and a lot of people also our parents and some of our good friends. Not all has been smooth sailing then again life isn’t meant to be. There are things that we will never forget. Life is where it’s supposed to be. I have some great people around me. Some people fell by the wayside, chapters close others have opened and it’s the beginning of a great adventure.
9:17 PM
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