November 2002 rediagnosed with a recurring tumor I am going to bring you through the whole fun thing   Archives << current   This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.

Brain Tumor History And Other Rants   Wednesday, May 26, 2004   Everything happens for a reason, but no one ever tells you who knows the reasons. And why the hell can’t I pick some of the stuff that happens to me!!! I am doing my best to change my talkative ways. I mean some people just can’t handle honesty with stuff, and why even go there. I mean I am the one thing I can control, and how I react to other people. But we all do it, we let other people get under our skin and get to us. Most people are so oblivious to things also. If you were a stranger to yourself, would you be friends with yourself? I think most people would annoy themselves if they were looking from the outside in. People do the same things to me, they tell me things I don’t want to hear, but maybe that is the honesty that some friends need to have. I can’t live in the shadow of this crap anymore, but at the same time I have to be brutally honest with myself as to what I can and can’t do. Having low platlets exposes me to dangers I would normally not have, I could bleed to death in a lot quicker situation than most people. I mean they aren’t dangerously low but low enough to have to curtail my activities around it. I don’t know…. Lot’s of changes going on. I hope to have most of everything set up again to start reliving this year. I mean the last 17 months have been a vacuum that I have to make up for. I just want to get back to having some fun in life. I guess that’s my current goal, reestablishing my stuff and doing what I still have to do with doctors, but gearing my life back to having fun. I mean being single again, I can afford to get selfish. Now I have been selfish for the wrong reasons in the past. But what I mean is at my age a lot of people around me are already on their way to having their own lives / families, me I just want to enjoy what time I have on the clock. I mean you get jealous of people that seem to have it together, but then you got to just be happy for your friends that are living a great life, and try to encourage them to stay on that path. People will do what they want irregardless of what you try to convince them of. Nothing is guaranteed, we all know that or you really know it if someone tells you that you are facing a brick wall. So you got to grab at straws, and deal with it. I suffered last year, and I am sick of suffering, and sacrificing a life, that is for sure. I have made a lot of sacrifices to live this year. So I am trying to make plans and goals to shoot towards. No I am not the self-improvement Bob, I just want to try to gain some control over my situation and do things that I enjoy. Do I see other people involved in my life, not really. I just figure I am all I have to deal with. So I look forward to my own plans at this point. AC/DC Powerage (1978) She had the word Had the way The way of letting me know She knew the game Called the play Oh she hit me low She said, "Now you go your way I'll go mine And that's a start" Doctor, doctor Ain't no cure For the pain in my heart CHORUS: Gimme a bullet to bite on Something to chew Gimme a bullet to bite on And I'll make believe I'll make believe it's you Don't need no drink Don't need no drug Don't need no sympathy Sooner or later Send me a bill For what she's doing to me Operator Long distance lips On the telephone Come tomorrow Come to grips With being all alone CHORUS Gimme a bullet to bite on Something to chew Gimme a bullet to bite on And I'll make believe I'll make believe it's you Bullet to bite on Gimme a bullet to bite on Yeah cmon now yeah yeah bullet to bite on yeah yeah bullet to chew I need something to chew (bullet to bite on) I'll make believe it's you Gimme a bullet to bite on Oh, you're a bullet baby I want a bullet to bite on A bullet 12:36 PM Friday, May 21, 2004   If you don’t know Nick Drake you are missing out big time check this song out: Nick Drake Time Has Told Me from Five Leaves Left Time has told me You're a rare rare find A troubled cure For a troubled mind. And time has told me Not to ask for more Someday our ocean Will find its shore. So I`ll leave the ways that are making me be What I really don't want to be Leave the ways that are making me love What I really don't want to love. Time has told me You came with the dawn A soul with no footprint A rose with no thorn. Your tears they tell me There's really no way Of ending your troubles With things you can say. And time will tell you To stay by my side To keep on trying 'til there's no more to hide. So leave the ways that are making you be What you really don't want to be Leave the ways that are making you love What you really don't want to love. Time has told me You're a rare rare find A troubled cure For a troubled mind. And time has told me Not to ask for more For some day our ocean Will find its shore. 9:09 PM Monday, May 17, 2004   Willie Nelson Always On My Mind Maybe I didn't treat you Quite as good as I should have Maybe I didn't love you Quite as often as I could have Little things I should have said and done I just never took the time You were always on my mind You were always on my mind Maybe I didn't hold you All those lonely, lonely nights And I guess I never told you I'm so happy that you are mine If I made you feel second best Girl I'm sorry I was blind You were always on my mind You were always on my mind Tell me, tell me that your Sweet love hasn't died Give me, give me one more chance To keep you satisfied Keep you satisfied Little things I should have Said and done I just never took the time You were always on my mind You were always on my mind You were always on my mind.... Willie Nelson The Last Thing I Needed The post man delivered a past-due bill notice The alarm clock rang two hours late The garbageman left all the trash on the sidewalk And the hinges fell off of the gate And this morning at breakfast I spilled all the coffee And I opened the door on my knee The last thing I needed the first thing this morning was to have you walk out on me. Last night you came home late and I knew you'd been drinking By that old mellow look on your face I thought it don't matter, 'cause it's the holiday season And you filled such a big empty space And I laid down beside you, and I wanted your loving 'Cause your love makes my life complete And the last thing I needed the first thing this morning was to have you walk out on me. So excuse me for looking like my world is dead-ended And excuse me for looking like I just lost my best friend Excuse me for living and being forgiving so just go on if you want to be free But the last thing I needed the first thing this morning was to have you walk out on me. So I have been meaning to get to more writing I have been carrying around a couple posts in my head for a week or so. Families, you don’t get to choose them and you don’t get to control them, what fun is that? For anyone that doesn’t know my sister, know this. If she EVER loans you something, don’t even bother using it, just store it for her for when she wants it back. I will give you 3 examples of this theory, and I promise I haven’t made this bit up. I am funny, but not this creative! So when we lived together she once asked for some old rock records that were hers from years ago, just because she wanted to bust my balls, not because she had any interest in them at all, she liked club music. Fast forward they were going to Disney world and her husband had given my father his old beat up electric shaver, because it wasn’t working right, he had gotten a new one. He also did not provide a cord so you could charge this busted shaver. It’s usefulness a big whopping zero. So back to the Disney world thing, when they were getting ready to go he asked my father for the shaver back, because the one he got to replace the one he gave away wasn’t working right anymore. Well this old beat up shaver is somewhere in a dump decaying for the next 1000 years so this item was not returned. Now when she got married originally she had a cat. To shorten this epic saga, the cat didn’t work out so she gave it away, she did not give away the cat carrier with the cat just dropped it off. So there in was this non-needed cat carrier case. I had 2 cats, got a third, and the case was routed to me for my third cat. One cat per case I hope you are following this. So what’s that you say? Yes, she got a new cat and wanted her case back. What’s that you say, they sell them everywhere, yes we know that. So I took the high road, I hope, I said ok I will go home and figure out which one is hers and re-route it to her via my parents. She called back to my parents and said, mine is the pink one. So when I get rid of my third cat she goes in a cardboard box with holes in it to her new home C-YA! Don’t say I didn’t warn you. I think she has old stuff stored all over the state with different people. No thanks I don’t want your old stuff anymore. I will just go buy my own shavers vinyl records and cat carriers. And if I gave you anything that I didn’t need anymore I won’t ask for it back. P.S. I think I still have one of her vinyl records. Ok now that that is off my chest. Medical stuff. Thursday May 13th 11:00 am and 6:30 pm Facial Seizure again it began with a little ticking in the face, then it stopped for about 5 seconds and then it went on for about a minute this time, it seems to linger a little at the end with some eyebrow ticks at the end. The first one happened during an EEG for Dr. Pacia which is used to trigger seizures, and I was hooked up to a machine during it and he was able to analyze the brain waves during it. This is the first time I ever had 2 in one day. So I was pissed about the fact that I had 2 in one day, but I am going to discount the first based on the test. From what Dr. Pacia was explaining to me, we seem to have the “events” isolated to such a small region that it seems to not be near my leg or arm controls at all, just some facial controls. So the thought is that there is there might be a tiny little piece of possible tumor material in one small place. Or maybe just some messed up post op trauma left over. There is no way of knowing for sure what is going on unless you pop the hood and go in surgically and this doesn’t call for that type of action. I guess if you have to have them this is the ideal to have them in such a small spot. So I inquired about the ability to drive and he said that technically he didn’t see a reason why I wouldn’t be able to. I was debating getting a scooter like the messengers have for getting around. First of all it is hard to shop for something when you can’t get around to each dealer to dealer to actually see things. Second of all my doctor pointed out a valid point if I take a fall off one of these things, and my platlets are low from my maintenance chemo, I am going to BLEED. So I left the doctor and these thoughts all ate at my brain. One friend drove me to the bus to go to NYC in the morning. Now granted she had made the offer to drive me and lives near me so it isn’t a real biggee. But when she got on the bus she said well yeah I had to get up 15 minutes early to pick his butt up. The comment was made out of jest, I feel bad enough having to mooch rides off of friends to get things done, and I can’t get a lot of things done all the time. I have to wait until I can latch onto another trip to do a couple of things. The only way to keep on top of this is I keep a things needed list on my palm pilot, and if I do get to the store I try to go through my list. I get to the food store now like every week and half to 2 weeks now, so I have to stock up when I go. The bummer is it is not easy to always keep fresh fruit and stuff on hand. I am trying to eat healthier again with more fruits and salads. So then on the way home I got a ride from another friend who was taking an earlier bus. Again the stuff the doctor was talking about was weighing on me and I was thinking about it. I hadn’t slept good in 3 days because of a heat wave we had. On the bus ride home, the second facial seizure hit me. I kind of bugged, I was in a chair next to my friend who was sleeping, and I just waited and it faded away after about 45 seconds. But this was the first time I had had 2 seizures in one day. I used to think if I had one then I was safe for the rest of the day at least. Not so anymore. Remember life will change all the rules. So I was just piling on the things to debate and think about on my traffic ridden commute home. So when I got home that night my neighbor told me he got a biopsy back and he has skin cancer, my stomach sank. I can’t stand this monkey. I mean I fought this mother-you-know-what, and now I am having a friend get hit right in front of me. So I have gone in to super action trying to help him get to a doctor to get checked out. He is in a bad situation because he is out of work with no income, no benefits, and a serious health issue. I have narrowed it down after a lot of phone work to a clinic in Morristown where we are going to try to get an appointment tomorrow to get to see a doctor and to apply for assisted treatment. I am glad I can do the leg work via the phone to try to get him on the right path to getting treatment. The worst feeling is when things are out of your control and you can’t do anything about them. When you can actually work a phone and get someone help it is a good feeling. At least I can hopefully get him in a place and avenue to get some treatment. So Friday and Monday morning I did all this research. Friday afternoon I got picked up by a friend to go see his band play. We went out to his house and him and his wife made a kick butt bar b-q and we ate like pigs. Then we went to his gig. Man hole in the wall bars are all the same. His band was good, biggest problem was the group of air guitar playing guys that danced between me and his band, um, no I don’t want to watch men do shots and get drunk and sing songs. I suggested a couple of bikini girls on each side of the band dancing for us to watch. I mean ZZ Top does it and it works. We got done there and I stayed over my friends’ house Friday night. Then Saturday we got a late start, we were out a little late?!?!? Then we did lunch hit best buy then watched TOTO in high definition. Over all it was a very constructive day. Then I had my parents pick me up to go with them to the VFW. OK wake up here we are at a point of contention with my sister again. Now she had planned a birthday party for my one niece for Sunday, and I hadn’t planned to attend, the whole driving thing maybe? Anyway what I did want to attend was my father was becoming the Commander at the VFW for this next year. Don’t worry my sister didn’t come to support him, but by default of not being able to drive home myself. I did get to go to her house to see my 2 nieces, which I do like to do, I was a little upset about that one way street thing, with oh, why should we show up to something to show our father support. But whatever, my purpose has been served. I supported my father because I wanted to. I got to see my nieces again which was nice. And she got her pink cat carrier back. I guess it was a homerun. I guess what is really eating at my brain is still the meeting with my doctor where he said that technically I could drive. I am just reaching a frustrating crossroads again. When I was over my friends’ house, I mean this guy works hard, but he also steps in luck all the time. He has a great new townhouse that has almost doubled in value. A company car, a corvette, the same truck as the queer eye for the straight guy’s have (but insists at least his is a different color – hey don’t explain to me, I don’t have to put fuel in it). His wife is a 10 – I mean really nice to him always supportive, she is about 5 months pregnant I mean the sun isn’t any brighter for this guy. I try to remind him not to take his life for granted when he is busy running around in it. He is a great friend though and always helpful for me. The point I am getting at is I was at his house, and I couldn’t sleep past like 8:30 am so I was thinking and I was just so frustrated that I couldn’t have my own freedom at all. I mean when I go out I am always trying to work angles to have rides around. And to get to point a to b and home again. It is also getting old to the people around me I think. I just wish I could complete my picture right now with having the freedoms I would like to have. The sacrifices are getting old I mean I haven’t been on the road for almost 18 months. And when the weather gets nicer and I see people out on their motorcycles it kills me, especially hanging out in bars, because to me bars aren’t that exciting, but when I did hang out at them, it became a lot of fun to plan long ways to get to them and then some other long way home. And if the inside of the bar got boring, I could always just go outside and stare at my bike. I just want my life back. Some kind of beat around truck, and a home run would be having another bike. All this is hung up in my head right now. It’s driving me nuts. I am single and kind of still in limbo with my life. I know I am throwing a lot out there and bitching and all that I get it. If you are still awake enough to be reading this wow…. For a guy that doesn’t drive I was away from my house from Friday afternoon until Sunday. But the flip side of that is all the times when I need things and I can’t get them for days on end, and I just have to deal with it. I wish I didn’t have to sound so bitter. I mean I guess I am just reaching the point where I am feeling better and I want to have the freedom to have a life on my own terms again. I don’t think anyone would want to be grounded like they were 15 again. Try giving up your car for 18 days. You couldn’t do it, try 18 months. 9:18 PM Wednesday, May 12, 2004   Ever wake up on the wrong side of bed? I have it happen a lot in a semi-sleep stage I am thinking of things that are just bothering me. Not-necessarily bad dreams, but let’s say emotional scenarios. I usually just cure them by getting up so I don’t think about it anymore. But it can set up a mood for a day though. Yes, today is one of those days. Then you try to sort out the meaning. Like sometimes the people involved in the dream aren’t even the right people in your life but, actors in place of the right people. So you have to take the scenarios and try to crunch them with current life events. I mean damn even Billy Hector was in this dream. No I haven’t figured out the dream from this morning. I think it was a combination of different people and different needs and wants. I mean she kept asking me on the phone what do you want from me? Like I had a choice over who was in my life and what they were like? Go figure. I think the movie Weird Science was on to something. If you can’t remember it, screw you you young-un. The whole scenario was twisted like I left her at a Billy Hector show. I mean rule number one, I would never leave a Billy Hector show, I would leave a woman before Billy. Just the facts Jack, then I was out in my friends vette and she called me on the phone asking me what I wanted from her. And she only went to Billy Hector to appease me. That pissed me off the most. How do you insult Billy? And think I want to talk to you any longer? Just strange I don’t have any resolution from the dream. But I guess that is just a bachelor side effect. I mean I am always making a joke that I need a girl with a car (or in the city she needs a metro card). So maybe that is the whole scenario. Who knows. People ask when do you think you are going to drive again? I mean if you don’t want to drive me around any more let me know I will put you on the do-not-ask-for-a-ride-list. Truthfully I just have no desire to think about a time when I will have that freedom again. I mean do I miss driving and the freedom with it. Hell yeah, the problem always hovering over my head is knowing that something could happen to me at any time either with a couple second warning or without. And it could just be me or others that I can hurt. I mean it sucks. Even if I had 6 months clear which is what the doctor wants, I still don’t believe in my safety in driving. But since I am lucky to go a week to a month free from activity, I just don’t even think about it anymore. I really miss having a motorcycle. I see guys out riding and just having the ultimate freedom of just getting up and going out to nowhere for who knows how long. It used to be great just making random turns trying to get lost. That was another time for me another place. Even driving to get what you need done. But forget all that. This is the hand of cards I have for the time being. 11:18 AM   Beach Boys – “I Just Wasn’t Meant For These Times” From Pet Sounds (if you don't own it, why don't you?) I keep looking for a place to fit Where I can speak my mind I've been trying hard to find the people That I won't leave behind They say I got brains But they ain't doing me no good I wish they could Each time things start to happen again I think I got something good goin' for myself But what goes wrong Sometimes I feel very sad Sometimes I feel very sad (Can't find nothin' I can put my heart and soul into) Sometimes I feel very sad (Can't find nothin' I can put my heart and soul into) I guess I just wasn't made for these times Every time I get the inspiration To go change things around No one wants to help me look for places Where new things might be found Where can I turn when my fair weather friends cop out What's it all about Each time things start to happen again I think I got something good goin' for myself But what goes wrong Sometimes I feel very sad Sometimes I feel very sad (Can't find nothin' I can put my heart and soul into) Sometimes I feel very sad (Can't find nothin' I can put my heart and soul into) I guess I just wasn't made for these times I guess I just wasn't made for these times I guess I just wasn't made for these times I guess I just wasn't made for these times I guess I just wasn't made for these times I guess I just wasn't made for these times 11:09 AM Thursday, May 06, 2004   Lou Reed Vanishing Act From The Raven It must be nice to disappear To have a vanishing act To always be looking forward And never looking back How nice it is to disappear Float into a mist With a young lady on your arm Looking for a kiss It might be nice to disappear To have a vanishing act To always be looking forward Never look over your back It must be nice to disappear Float into a mist With a young lady on your arm Looking for a kiss For all you medical vampires, just the facts: Monday April 26, 2004 Facial Seizure again it began with a little ticking in the face, then it stopped for about 5 seconds and then it went on for about a minute this time, it seems to linger a little at the end with some eyebrow ticks at the end. Wednesday May 5, 2004 6pm Facial Seizure again it began with a little ticking in the face, then it stopped for about 5 seconds and then it went on for about a minute this time, it seems to linger a little at the end with some eyebrow ticks at the end. My last MRI scan from April 15th was clear. I still have a hole in my head!! I spent another Wednesday at the Cancer center getting my blood checked, my platlets are on their way down, no surprise there. Now the volunteers have become chummy with me. I think I have to surprise them with my killer chocolate chip cookies, what those women don?t know I can do in the kitchen. I dreamed about your house today I was passing by the exit on the highway that led to where you lived and I dreamed of a better time with less worries where we spent our time growing up together the innocence of it all will never be here again. I mean we went through our growing pains. But if I ever get a situation half as good I will have a better life. Granted if I don?t screw it up again, I want a clean start. I don?t want to drag any luggage in. I want an honest situation where we don?t hold things against each other...... I think we can all relate to these types of memories. I guess its just one of those side effects of getting old. I dwell on it then I try to make myself realize that I am the only one that can change my situation but at the same token I am limited with what I can do I just have to work around my situation it?s like my biggest sale of my life is me. I am sorting a lot of baggage out right now. I am trying to revamp and get used to bachelorhood again. I have to admit it is nice to only worry about myself, who am I kidding, I have always just worried about myself. I am trying to clean out the attic right now and take inventory on where I am at, and what I have going on. I am learning to live with borrowing, begging and bumming rides where I can. I will do what I have to do to survive. A year ago I was sick as a dog, I went through that to get to this. So I am just trying to simplify some stuff nowadays. I guess I have been introspective a bit lately. I can?t believe some people still read this thing, but if I don?t update it, sooner or later I get complaints. Well there is a lot more going on, but not everything I am going to write out right now. Not even too much on medical stuff, but just life stuff. And the ending of friends has me crushed ? NOT. 9:26 PM