Brain Tumor History And Other Rants

November 2002 rediagnosed with a recurring tumor I am going to bring you through the whole fun thing

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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.

Sunday, January 30, 2005
1/30/05 Mostly what I am doing now is just trying to give of myself whatever I can to help other people. I sent a barracks in Iraq a bunch of normal supplies they just can’t get in Iraq because they don’t have stores everywhere. I did it in the beginning of December for my girlfriends friends brother. He is coming stateside in February he is stationed in Hawaii, but they are having a party for him in March. I hope I am well enough to go, these are the things I think about. When I am out in the streets, or in a store and I see a military person I thank them, you should to.

11:52 PM

1/30/05 Pat I know why now, I am happy you are at peace see you on the other side.
You will be missed

11:40 PM

1/30/05 This is my demon. Oh well. I don't want people to trip out or bug out if I ask them to hold onto things for me. This is what I want if I give you something to hold for me it might be morbid, but it is something I have wrestled with all the frivolous things we have around us. I have always liked to give things to people to make them happy. Hey if I live to 65 and I need the item back I will let you know. Don't worry I don't want to be as old as The Who. I have organized a lot of stuff to friends and I want to pass some of that stuff around. Enjoy it a lot of thought has gone into me giving it to you hoping it will be somewhere it will be used.
12/05/02 - check the year - check out these haunting words I wrote after my second diagnosis - The answer to the most daunting question I think I posed. Because of the fact that this came back this is not a good sign right? And, is this something I am going to have happen again throughout my life. Yes. The end is not near. I will never be healthy out of this stuff. Will I have to go a 3rd time one day, what a year from now? Who knows they just want to get you through this one. Man I have pissed somebody off in this life. I look forward to hearing from Dr. Finlay. He is the stat monster who will report on what my chances are. Hey, I am not a statistic right? Well if I am not a statistic then where the hell do they come from? Of course I am.
1/29/05 Remember when you were 15/16 you knew everything about everything and you would never die?
1/28/05 1:00 am I am so physically drained. I went to NYC today Dr. Doyle my surgeon yes they are going to operate again. I am just shot I mean I knew this is it it is just late and I am exhausted by what I face again. It is a journey I wouldn't want anyone to do. But people do it everyday or chose not to. I don't blame either one's. I lost a year suffering with the last recurrance and I am looking at another year of lock up. This thing wants to kick my ass! My Dr. said if there was no hope in extending or helping the quality of my life he wouldn't do this. So that is why he is willing to open me up. Then I get a month to recover from that then 6 weeks of radiation treatment then. I do chemo again. They figure I am young enough kick my ass. The first tumor relapsed in 3 years the second took 2 years for the current #3 so I look forward to living through a hell of at least a year of kicking still. I aint sticking around for no machines breathing for me and all that by then I will punch my ticket. Will I ever be free of this - no there is no cure and it exists too far back like roots of a tree into the important parts of my brain. This is my roll of the dice
Here is the story of what my operation will be like (it is just like my 2nd removal which I am about to describe):
Well admitting to table to post op what does it consist of?
We get there like 930 am, table time 11am. Fill out consent forms, hey if you want a private room you can get one at the four seasons for your stay, another 200 bucks a night, not covered of course by insurance. I had to leave a 300 dollar deductible check, well at least we got that out of the way for the year! Well no waiting we have been expecting you, go down the hall and see the nurses, oh, here’s your anticipation room have a seat. Nerves not any higher than the next hour I guess. One anesthesiologist comes in, looks at my throat and tongue, asks questions, nurse comes in takes blood pressure temperature basics. Man did you see the size of the binder for me? This isn’t a cavity, we are talking an easy 3 inch binder, looks like the book they sell wedding invitations out of, I hope that isn’t a new instruction manual on how to do this stuff. A second anesthesiologist comes in, this guy is all business, German accent, great a German guy giving me gas! Sorry the best joke I have for this time. Dr. Doyle comes in next, he wants to make you feel comfortable, he comes in with all my MRI films, he puts them up on the window and we look at what he calls the activity area we are going after. Don’t ask me, he could say the good stuff is bad and we would believe him. We ask a couple questions, the German anesthesiologist is at the door watching his watch, he is ready to go. So we leave the room, they walk me down the hall past all these crazy looking machines, turn right here we are. They go jump up there on the table, hey I can still run at this point. Get the hell out of here! I get up on the table they move me up a little, Ed on my right is asking me what music I want, don’t ask me I am going asleep here! At the foot of the bed is a guy up on a platform, so I ask is that the DJ, they said yes he is doing the music and the drinks, I said only I get the drinks here. The 2 anestesiologist on my right start sticking me in my arm for some artery line that hurts, I yelled out ouch, one guy says put him out. Ed puts on Sympathy for the Devil for the Stones, Dr. Doyle loves it he goes you are putting this on? I said am I the devil? The German guy goes here breathe deep as he puts the mask over my face. Breathe deep again, now of course I am being gassed and choking, lights out!

The next thing I know I am being woken up. This is the awake part of the operation. My memory now of it is really fuzzy. I haven’t really wanted to think of it since. They call your name, everything is foggy, you are not totally aware of what is going on, you can only see under this blue plastic hood like a big baseball cap on your head, and you can only see under the brim. I don’t know who but people are talking to me. I see the 2 anesthesiologist under the hood I think. They start pushing buttons up there in my brain to see what will happen. I remember going my ankle, my ankle was literally doing a pin wheel round and round. I think I had some hand motion also, maybe some eye stuff. Again this is really foggy. Then they said ok Bob, we will see you in a little while.
Sorry I know people wanted more on this, but it is pretty much wiped from my noodle, hey if you want that much more on this, go do it yourself.

So I wake up in post-op. I am literally crying. OK I am VERY stoned here and out of it. I was making a gesture over my oxygen mask. Someone pulled it up. I said I am happy I am alive. The guy said of course you are alive. I think this was Ed, because he started patting me on the right side of my head where I had the surgery, and I said hey, don’t hit that side, and he goes, oh it’s fine I wrapped your head real tight. Imagine me now I have my head wrapped like I own a Shell station on the parkway. I then saw my surgeon writing up some notes, probably about me, I hope he wasn’t writing about some one else dammit. So I started talking to him about music, he is a huge music buff. I remember clearly talking about Paul McCartney, and bam my eye started twitching like a seizure. So I called to him Dr. Doyle Seizure. He yelled out to a nurse, they injected me with something else. Then they ordered someone from the seizure office. This happened one more time. I think the old noodle was a little pissed off and miss-firing.

The whole operation was like 8 hours, it took a little longer than necessary. Normally you are basically paralyzed while under so you don’t move. Well I had to be loose for the testing part on my motor controls, so my doctor was using 2 different computer guidance systems. These would tell him exactly where he was in my brain. One of the programs of course was not functioning correctly, and it took about an hour to get that working right, he would not start without both working right. Most of the work of this operation is spent opening and closing. Think about it they have to open your noodle, cut open a piece of your noggin, get into position, wake my lame ass up, ask me 20 questions, cut tumor out, put me asleep. Then bolt back together my skull and staple up my head. A lot of work to get into my head. And yes I do have proof I have a brain. Every couple years I just get a little taken off the top, hey we don’t use most of that material anyway!
They then bring me into post-op nurse unit. I get my own room with a view of Manhattan; it was behind me so I couldn’t see it. I have several lines in my arms, and a catheter in where it counts, that is the worst! At one point the next morning, it was still in and they decided to move me onto a travel bed, my catheter was taped to some old sheet. The nurses gave a pull, and I yelped, wait a minute that is all attached. That was the once and only time women will grip a sheet by my lower calf and pull on my ding-a-ling, I should have thought it was a compliment.

I had the private room for 2 ½ days I was supposed to be moved earlier, but they had no rooms, hey who ever complained about a private room? I went in on Friday January 17th and was leaving on the following Wednesday. You only get 5 days there for brain surgery. That is enough between the none rest and crazy neighbors (see the Michael story I wrote about already). In the private room I had some great nurses. When I moved to a recovery room, I was looking pretty good for a crazy guy with a hole in his head. I think that is the lesson here, stay a little bit crazier than everyone else. I was pretty much able to take care of my self, so you fall quick on the nurse priority scale. Hey you want more attention, play up the symptoms. One thing about the brain stuff is they really keep an eye on you with different doctors coming to check up on you. That is very comforting.
1/27/05 Well my social security form to fill out is a week late (any suprise?) I called them and it is supposed to be on it's way. Tomorrow is my appointment for my surgeon more to come.
Another grain of sand down.
1/26/05 Noithing new to report Heather is a lot better she is till limping a lot but she can eat today tomorrow she will venture out (cabin-fever). I have simply told her godfather style one day I may call on her and need a favor!

11:05 PM

Tuesday, January 25, 2005
1/25/05
Heather is recupperating from her surgery I spent the day resting with her today, and making sure she was ok. For anyone that has read my post's knows about my grains of sand theory. Well this year I have been trying to help my father out at the VFW (Veteran's of Foreign Wars) where he is commander I do what I can some of the vets are up there in age. Now that they are old enough to know everything. Their bodies are to old to do anything about it. I am going to cut to the chase. One Veteran Pat just passed on who helped out there ALL the time, never gossiped. Was a great man, defended our country and has died. I am glad I got to spend some time with him at the post before he went, he didn't have a wife, but was a great man, and I will remember him as another great hero who could run a bar!!!
Don't forget Veterans ever!!! If you walk out of a store and one is holding a can for donations MAKE ONE. They are the reason our country is the way it is FREE. We have liberties people dream about in the world. Be-friend and thank veterans every chance you get. They did something to change the world.
What have you done lately for someone else? A veteran? A stranger? Someone in your family?
You only have so many pieces of sand and you don't know how many. Don't forget.
And if you live in NJ don't forget New Jersey Central Power and Light union employees have been on the picket lines almost 2 months (do the math for the holidays to). So if you see them out there in the cold drop off some coffee or a pizza help them out. No pay, no benefits nothing.
Corporate America....
1/23/05
Heather has minor surgery tomorrow I will go with her father and mother to the Hospital. We had a major snow storm herer yesterday, about 20". I had to help clean it up. I finde my left arm is weak especially in the morning. I used to be out htere at 8 am. First one on the block now 11 am and I find my left arm just hanging there while my right one pushes the shovel. Dexterity and coorodination just aren't there anymore. When I get up to go to the bathroom at night my left leg is like a peg leg also. I hobble to the bathroom. My body loves it's rest. I have a surgeon appointment this Friday in the city. I hope to find out more then. I probalby need to find a radiologist in Morristown then. And then when it is all said and done double check for a second opinion with my old Neuro-oncologist that moved to UCLA. I am getting a lot of things in order around the house including my affairs. That's the good thing about this disease, it gives you time to get your affairs in order just in case. And if just in case doesn't happen. Well then at least your affairs are in order.

10:45 PM

Thursday, January 20, 2005
1/20/05 It's really not that morbid. I mean the cleaning and sorting everything out fits into my OCD. I can actually do something about my stuff and cleaning and straightening. This situation I just have to deal with and can't control it.

6:16 PM

1/20/05 to follow up on the 18th entry. I will be able to do radiation in NJ probably at Morristown, where I have been before. So the good news there is I don't have to put anyone out to get me to NYU in NYC - 5 days a week for 6 weeks. It is looking like this is one of the next treatments. What the hell you only get one chance to use radiation and I have been putting it off. This being the third time, why not try it? It ain't a cure there is none, and my 2 cats are getting pissed at loaning me lives.

2:38 PM

1/20/05 Most people don't want to deal with the negative side of all this. Hey, it's no picnic on this side either. But it is there. I went 3 years the first time then 2 years to recurrence. They say you are supposed to last 5 years cancer free to get to a safer zone. I am not there, and haven't made an approach yet. I guess this time I figure work on the worst of it, and if you can still stick around longer none of the back up plans will be needed. You need a last will and testament, a living will, an advance directive. And that is just what to do if you do bite it. Then there is the consideration of putting all your affairs in order for taxes, debts, bank stuff. All that. So I figure now on top of figuring out treatment I am trying to order all this stuff together also. Then I have a house full of stuff. Luckily it's not a big house. And the funny part is we have a house's full of stuff, but all anyone around us wants, and us for that matter is ourselves. It's like I said the other night to Lenny. We were in his living room where he has this great Sony TV and Sectional. But in the middle of the sectional was his 6 month old daughter Grace. Smiling at us. I said she is what matters everything else around us is garbage. Mad, mad accesories that at times seemed so important.
I go to bed every night trying to sort out what I would like to go where. Something for people to remember me by. I get obsessive about things this is just one on a long list. We all have a mad will to live. we don't want to go. But if I had to choose how to go. I want to give everything I want to give away to who I want to have it, I don't want to go quick. I guess that is an advantage with this condition / treatment, they do draw it out and give you time to reflect.
One thing outside of all the crap I have to pass along. Just what John needs more books and CD's....
Nothing can take away the stupid things we have all done together. Over the years there will always be things we remember of times we have all had. No one can take that stuff away. A lot of the other crap I am trying to organize was bought on a mastercard. But the stupid stuff is priceless (sorry I needed a wrap up here).
Lou Reed Magic and Loss CD

Sword Of Damocles - Externally
I see The Sword of Damocles is right above your head
They're trying a new treatment to get you out of bed
But radiation kills both bad and good
it can not differentiate
So to cure you they must kill you
The Sword of Damocles hangs above your head
Now I have seen lots of peoples die
from car crashes or drugs
Last night on 33rd st. I saw a kid get hit by a bus
Bus this drawn out torture over which part of you lives
is very hard to take
To cure you they must kill you
The Sword of Damocles above your head
That mix of morphine and dexedrine
we use it on the street
It kills the pain and keeps you up
your very soul to keep
But this guessing game has its own rules
the good don't always win
and might makes right
The Sword of Damocles
is hanging above your head
It seems everything's done that must be done
from over here though things don't seem fair
But there are things that we can't know
maybe there's something over there
Some other world that we don't know about
I know you hate that mystic shit
It's just another way of seeing
The Sword of Damocles above your head

2:10 PM

Tuesday, January 18, 2005
Well I went to a radiologist today that I went to see 2 years ago. Nothing new has changed on their front. Still radiating people. And I have gained weight. So now next Friday I go to the surgeon to get his opinion on what he can or can't do in surgery. That would come before radiation. Radiation entails. 5 days a week for 6 weeks you have to go to the hospital. It's a lot of work followed by probably a chemo regimine who knows. I have to see I will write more 2morrow.

11:33 PM

Sunday, January 16, 2005
Well I know people come here for doctor / new info on what kind of toture is prescribed to me I have 2 doctors appointments this week.
Tuesday with the radiologist to find out the doctors opinion on my busted head.
And Friday the 28th with the surgeon to get his opionion. Then I put that together with a Neuro-onc here in NYC and then double opinion it with my former Neuro-Onc who moved to UCLA to practice medicine. So real answers of what and when are probably minimum 3 weeks. Because then I have to take all that data and see what makes sense to me. Like I know anything.....
But while I have you here you will also be subject to rotten pieces of philosophy I make up borrow or steal either funny or sad.
I was talking to this older guy one day and I told him now that you know everything your body is to broken to do any of it.
I mean you know more on the 3rd year of your job than your first so why did we know so much from like ages 10-20 something? If we did we would have done it all differently I bet.
I know I would have I feel like I didn't make a difference in those years. I graduated college which I know some people that haven't are jealous of. But when I got out I just went out got a 9 to 5 job and didn't make a real difference. Except to those people addicted to music news on their favorite radio station web site.
I mean in the next town there was a young guy who graduated college and said to his father what else can I do but go defend my country and joined the Marines. I don't care if you are pro war or not, that is a guy who was grown up. He died defending his country. Remember that the next time you get pissed over frivolous luxuries we take for granted here.
I feel sometimes like when we are born our hands are stuck in the sand and every grain of sand is one of our days. Again at the time we had small hands. So everyone we let slip out will never come back. The old sayings of always say I love you to those people that you do is important. No one ever tells you when the last grain of sand will drop. Always make your final statements the most important. Yes it's times like the stuff I am about to face when you think abou these things but it shouldn't be so. All you got is right now, not tomorrow. Do right by those that matter. Do right by some strangers sometimes. Help injured troops, thank a veteran something.
Sometimes I see peoples names on park benchs or in elevators. And I think that is what we all seek immortality. And I think I want my name in an elevator or on a park bench so when people walk by they read my name and don't know why they have to. So, I went to the park and carved my name in a bench ..... just kidding. Most people work on their immortality through their children. Then you are helping create something that you hope will do good, and better than you did.
Don't forget we don't know which grain of sand is last, stop talking about doing something and do it.

10:14 PM

Thursday, January 13, 2005
1/12/04

NOW THIS IS A DOCTOR'S NOTE!!!
January 10, 2005

Re: Robert Blasser
D.O.B. 4/12/1973

To Whom It May Concern:

Robert Blasser is under my neurological care for the treatment of a seizure disorder and recurrent brain tumor. Secondary to his medical/neurological condition he is now permanently and totally disabled.

If you should have any questions regarding this matter please feel free to call me at....

5:26 PM

Wednesday, January 12, 2005
1/12/05 It's like you finally get the news you knew was true, but it brings an insane calm of sorts. Had to get the furnace fixed today, but that's cake, that can't be as bad as this one phone call be it almost a week after the meeting, but let's not be bitter. For after all I have to be a patient customer. That's my new thing, we as patients are customers for doctors, we are how they make money, so do your best to be sick.
So the skinny is the tumor board (a panel of doctors that went to a lot more school than us). Decided that the tumor had grown and I should consult my surgeon, a radiologist (about possible radiation treatment). Get a second opinion on all of it, and make a run on sentence about making a decision on treatment. Options outlined so far: possible surgery, radiation (5 days a week 20 minutes a day for 6 weeks) in conjunction with a new heavy chemo cycle. If anyone lived through the last one I wouldn't reccomend that to anyone.
Putting things in order right now, taxes, trying to make sure my disability gets lined up. Now I have to make appointments with all these different specialists on my team also. I will be a patient customer.

It makes sense, from how I feel, from what they see, but I am not freaked out like the second time. Hey I got to try I guess to get my health together. To all those that said the second time that they couldn't do it, I would tell them you got 2 choices do it or don't! Most of the time we become patient irate customers and do it.
The money is in the treatment, don't forget that.
So you better like your doctors that you pay.
I mean the furnace guys today were nice $400 nice!!!

3rd time, I don't know if I have put the whole puzzle together, maybe I am still in denial or decision phase what to do.
Well there you go that's what I have 4 u.

4:15 PM

Tuesday, January 11, 2005
1/11/05 No new news. My plan to try to seek news, call the doctor's offices again tomorrow. So don't call I got no new news as to what my plan will be, it'll be something I am sure... I tried letting it heal itself.....

7:24 PM

Monday, January 10, 2005

Old note I never got in here: 1/6/05 Day one of being out of work. It rained and snowed so Heather didn't come by. I rested most of the day and I did what any other self respecting person does on the first day home sick- 2 hours of Springer and 1 hour of Maury. Then I slowly started my day. I think it's all the med's that just make me so tired. I took a nap around 4 and was out for an hour and a half of deep sleep and forced myself to get up so I wouldn't screw up my night of sleep.

I was trying to finish a book before I went to bed and of course got hit by a couple minute eye ticker. I think because my eyes were tired from reading, but how does that explain how I woke up the same way?

For what it's worth I feel better now that I can focus on my health and not stress about work. Heck I guess most people would rther stay home than work but not for these reasons trust me. The onlybthing I feel better about is being over the initial shock of having to fight it again, and this time I am actually at peace with it I can't control it. I try to just enjoy every moment I have with those around me. Which peple always say but I was never able to do. Then again treatment hasn't started yet.

1/7/05 I think that nap screwed up my sleep didn't sleep well.....

1/10/05 OK those thinking I would be informed today about my status have not worked with doctor's often, I know nothing. Nothing new to report. If this is Seinfeld, someone just walked in and got a table in front of me at the restaraunt and I am still waiting. So I know nothing new about treatment options yet. I do feel a lot better not having to commute and work. I still have problems daily, but I am not as stressed with work

5:37 PM

Friday, January 07, 2005
1/7/05 No news yet as of 5:51 pm so I was supposed to be discussed today at a tumor board meeting. But I have gotten no follow up from a Doctor yet. Maybe Monday. Ah but my legions of fans will have to wait out a cilff-hanger. And then what if they call Monday and don't discuss it on the phone, but want me to come in. You will have to wait longer and this blog will turn into the Seinfeld episode at the chinese restaurant where they never eat. I can tell you that it seems not working and resting a lot is making me feel better (who am I kidding it would make anyone feel better). But I can tell that I am not so tired and if I do feel tired I don't just hold my head up with Hollywood fishing line at my desk, I rest. J/K for all those reading from work

5:51 PM