November 2002 rediagnosed with a recurring tumor I am going to bring you through the whole fun thing   Archives << current   This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.

Brain Tumor History And Other Rants   Monday, December 18, 2006   12/18/06 My Bronx Guru has some advice he gave me that I think will be useful to a lot of people at this trying time we like to call the holidays. You don’t choose your family, might not like them but a couple times a year you are forced to be around them. You can’t make someone grow up, no matter what age they are (and I do mean the adults). Some people just have to be the center of attention or no one is going to have a good time (and I do mean the adults). And if said person acts up by pushing buttons it will be more effective if you do nothing. If you react to the button pushing, they will flip to the victim roll before you finish one sentence there in being the center of attention and you become bad cop. Because when it’s all said and done, no one will remember what started the altercation but they will remember your reaction. Make sure you schedule some friend time in amongst this holiday chaos, so you can actually enjoy the time. Because if you had a friend that acted like this it would only be your fault for having them around. You could walk away. Friendship should be about respect kindness support and understanding. If it is to much work it drains you. Don’t deal in negatives. Accentuate the positive people in your life. Try to be the bigger person even if someone is to blind to see it it will make you sleep better than festering over negative energy. Open and close your own doors in life and on January 1, 2007 open a new chapter in your life leaving any 2006 garbage sealed up in a time capsule. But take life’s lessons with you and never stop growing, and learning. Because at one time we were all 18 and knew everything we needed to know. So in summation don’t be that person or encourage that person. Relationships are 2 way streets that need work, but shouldn’t be that much work. If someone family or not is pushing you away that hard let them push you away. Then they only have themselves to blame. Just know if they push you that far they won’t have an epiphany and realize the errors of their ways they will probably just say see I knew it all along. And blame you again for their misguided ways of thinking. But this is a New Year, a new chapter in your book. Only you can control forest fires don’t throw matches at a pile of dead leaves. 7:38 PM Wednesday, December 13, 2006   A friend loves at all times And a brother is born for adversity. Proverb 17:22 A cheerful heart is a good medicine, But a downcast spirit dries up the bones. Proverb 18:24 There are friends who pretend to be friends, But there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother. Doors open and close. I just had several friends from like 15 years ago find me on My Space. Last year I had some friends fade away and now I re-connect with some great people. Doors open for the newyear. This newyear will be good. 4:34 PM   RIP May your soul rest in peace.....Michael Shwarts of Carlstadt, NJ was killed in Iraq November 24, 2006. He was killed by and Iraqi sniper, one fatal bullet to the neck killed him, he was only 20 years old. No I didn't know him but, and he didn't know you either but American soldiers are dieing each day to keep us safe here... 12:54 PM Monday, December 11, 2006   12/12/06 ************ more added to bottom if you read the post on the 11th*********** David Bowie Changes I still don't know what I was waiting for And my time was running wild A million dead-end streets Every time I thought I'd got it made It seemed the taste was not so sweet So I turned myself to face me But I've never caught a glimpse Of how the others must see the faker I'm much too fast to take that test Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes (Turn and face the stranger) Ch-ch-Changes Don't want to be a richer man Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes (Turn and face the stranger) Ch-ch-Changes Just gonna have to be a different man Time may change me But I can't trace time I watch the ripples change their size But never leave the stream Of warm impermanence and So the days float through my eyes But still the days seem the same And these children that you spit on As they try to change their worlds Are immune to your consultations They're quite aware of what they're going through Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes (Turn and face the stranger) Ch-ch-Changes Don't tell them to grow up and out of it Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes (Turn and face the stranger) Ch-ch-Changes Where's your shame You've left us up to our necks in it Time may change me But you can't trace time Strange fascination, fascinating me Changes are taking the pace I'm going through Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes (Turn and face the stranger) Ch-ch-Changes Oh, look out you rock 'n rollers Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes (Turn and face the stranger) Ch-ch-Changes Pretty soon you're gonna get a little older Time may change me But I can't trace time I said that time may change me But I can't trace time I don’t know but it seems that I have always been a bit of an older soul since I was younger I had older friends. To this day I have a close friend with a 21 year old daughter. But I am aware of changes that I have made some conscious and some just by time moving me along in years to situations that have added years to me. I think a lot had to do with the situation years that aged me and made me get older quicker. None of this is a claim of Bob-is-better-than-anyone. I am just an old soul that’s been run through the ringer several times. Along with my family and friends. There’s been times I was coming and going at the same time. From about age 14 and up I grew up fast. I was pretty independent, and a lost soul at the same time. I think I have always sought a support system around me. Although made the system up and reconfigured it every few years. I think to have that stabilized with marriage now. I don’t take to losing important people to me well. I could careless about losing others. I take other grudges to the grave, not very healthy or Christian of me. But back to changing, most people like music from their teenage years. I am no different except that over the years my taste in music has gotten older and older. I traced my music, mainly rock, back through their influences and got all the way back into deep blues and some jazz. I would find a song and catch a line someone used some 20 / 30 years later. Makes you see the whole picture a lot clearer. I guess all I am saying is acknowledging my sense that I am a whole lot different person than I once was. For one I am no longer 17 and a know it all. There are things I would go back and change. 1 big regret is not enrolling in the military after college, I know I have covered this already, so I won’t break it all down again. We all have a path to go down. Mine turned out to be this I guess. It aint over yet but the years do seem to speed up over time. God I wish I knew at 17 what I know now. A lot of wasted time would be saved and put to use. I would have cut a lot of bullshit I put up with to rest. But the end result now might not be the same, so to be here and happy that’s what I had to do. Now I just want to live a more positive life. I didn’t think I could have claimed to have read the bible at 17 or be interested in church at all it’s not so much being a holy roller versus just wanting to be a better person on my own terms with some guidance. You can take and take in life. But what are you giving to other’s lives? Are you making a difference? Have you helped anyone on any level or are you just on the take? Life is not all about you. Make the world a little better before you leave it. “The program for this evening is nothing new. You have seen this entertainment thru and thru. You’ve seen your birth, your life & death you might recall all of the rest – (did you have a good world when you died?) – enough to base a movie on?” Jim Morrison 4:47 PM Friday, December 08, 2006   12/8/06 Ladders Life is a journey upwards on a ladder. And can be part of my fear of heights. People and events are wrungs on this ladder. And every so often an event happens that can be worthy of a landing where you can stop for a minute and see your accomplishments, your failures, just enjoy how hard you worked to get that point. Take for instance our new house or more importantly our wedding. No matter how many broken wrungs are below that moment I was right where I was supposed to be. And all those broken wrungs be they old friends, disease a missed meal etc. None of that could hurt me because I was on a stable footing. Every day ladder climbing is scary. Again I don’t like heights. Things go wrong wrungs break, now you can fall. Now how far back you fall can cost you a lot. Not just monetarily but in where you climbed up to be. So set backs or slipped grips can scar the hell out of me. My biggest fear is losing everything in life I hold sacred. My goal in climbing up is to one day score me one of those clouds up there in the sky. But not anytime soon, I mean I want to meet Johnny Cash but my work is not done here yet. Sorry Johnny one day. No really I never did drugs, you know what I mean, why mess with my mind that is this twisted already? I don’t need any help in that way. My prescription drugs don’t get in the way of those. Ladders, goals, fears, hope, danger, progress, happiness. Everyday another step upwards. 6:23 PM Thursday, December 07, 2006   12/7/06 We got a dusting of snow today as I write this and it is 18 degrees and falling. Yes a weather report from 2000 feet up and 30 miles from the border. Nothing new or philosophical today. I go for chemo tomorrow. No big deal just a 1 hour injection. I am getting it done in Pa. Heather has her first day of school tomorrow. 9:24 PM Wednesday, December 06, 2006   12/6/06 Toot my own horn I will It was said many years ago that I wouldn’t amount to much, I mean yeah a college degree from a state university – dime a dozen, except to those that don’t have them. Now that statement is only a ½ truth. The true part is I have not become successful in a career. I live on a fixed income. But to that end I have met my soul mate married her bought a new construction 12 room house on 7/10 of an acre my second house by the way. Although we are further from our families. We have launched a new life for us here. So the untruth to that statement is that I am successful in life, instead of becoming a doctor I just go see a bunch of doctor’s. Staying alive the past 7 years has been a battle. With the time I have invested in surviving I could be making doctor money. But you know what I am blessed with a wife, family, friends. I can not ask for more. I am a survivor. So guess what I amounted to a lot to myself my wife and my friends. Think about that when you don’t grab onto life kicking and screaming give life a fight it’s worth being living and being happy. Ask yourself how many days do you want to wake up happy this week? I am a survivor. 4:22 PM Tuesday, December 05, 2006   12/5/06 You got 20 days to get it right. Did you buy enough, too much, will ups get it here in time, did you forget anyone? Merry shopping season. Me, I am done and wrapped just need the tree and the 25th. Oh and holiday cards done also. Hey this is our houses first Christmas no other houses on our block, not that there’s many have lights outside, then you come to our house Vegas baby Vegas lighting!!! Anyway let’s get deep and reflective. Who in your life would take you to the hospital, drop what they were doing and be by your side? Come visit you, take you for follow up visits? These people are your family, I mean even friends that are your family at times like that. Remember them not just now but throughout the year. Know that there are people that love our country so much that they have sacrificed their time with these people in their lives to risk their lives for you. Yeah, your messed up coffee order this morning doesn’t mean a thing to a mother who see’s a military car pull up in front of her house. I see people with veteran sticker’s, hats, anything indicating that they would be so noble for our country and I make a point of thanking them. Not just on veterans day, everyday, because they fought day in and night wherever they were sent rain or shine hot or cold. They are more dedicated than mailmen. The chapters that have closed from last year I look forward to putting away and writing next years book. If you dropped off the radar, life has many 2 way streets and goes on. If you still stay in the loop by reading my thoughts I thank you for continuing to care I hope in some way I help you in life somehow. I am a fighter, a survivor, nothings gonna stop me now……I read something about a musician the other day in a book. He worked in an emergency room surgical team. He lives his life not wanting to waste 3 minutes here a week there because he knows and has seen how fast the end can be and I am sure that everyday there are people in combat that wish they had a few minutes more to say goodbye to some special people. Life it’s good to live but it will always be the number one killer at anytime the deli man in the sky can call your number. 2:15 PM Monday, December 04, 2006   Year end wrap-up This year has been amazing. I got to marry my best friend. Something a few years ago I thought was not possible. But here we are married, a new house, 2 dogs and a cat. We went to the Bahamas. There are a lot of things we have been blessed with and a lot to be thankful for including our good health and a lot of people also our parents and some of our good friends. Not all has been smooth sailing then again life isn’t meant to be. There are things that we will never forget. Life is where it’s supposed to be. I have some great people around me. Some people fell by the wayside, chapters close others have opened and it’s the beginning of a great adventure. 9:17 PM Sunday, November 12, 2006   11/12/06 I have had a lot of time for reflection and learning about people since I moved. I have lost a 20 year friend due to bizarre not understood circumstances. But it’s just another chapter in my book a new door opens now. Some acquaintances have decided to drop away also. Some people you can’t get rid of. Some people are always there and it takes moving away to bring them closer and in the for-front of your life. Those relationships you hold onto. The friends that survive you have to hold onto. Offer them your support and the same comes back. Then you sometimes stumble onto old friends (Myspace) and you pick up where you left off. People are strange but you have to build a friendship like a house. One way friends end at a dead end and the takers never can understand why. Then you have people that make a difference just by passing through your life. Like say a nurse that took care of you for a couple nights in a hospital. But was there in a needful time when you were alone. I always was super nice to everyone helping me while I was laid up. Who wants to help someone all bitter? And you certainly won’t get quicker service. Up here I have met new people from my area. Some are just plain characters and others are more genuine and have a friendship to offer. At the end of the day you can’t please everyone, hell I don’t talk to my sister or mother for that fact. We all have our crosses to bear. Some just leave deeper scars than others. I have learned what some of my deepest damage is, have I learned to deal with it, it depends on the situation. I have a never ending fear of abandonment (thanks mom) I don’t think I have totally in check. I used to push away a lot also and run away to hide in my head (but I turned out to be a big mouth now I have to think more before I speak)(don’t worry mom you screwed that up to. On the flip side my father taught me what it means to be a man and a great parent; although not perfect his message is not a scar to deal with. NINevery day is exactly the same i believe i can see the future 'cause i repeat the same routine i think i used to have a purpose but then again it might have been a dream i think i used to have a voice now i never make a sound and i just do what i've been told i really don't want them to come around, oh no every day is exactly the same every day is exactly the same there is no love here, and there is no pain every day is exactly the same i can feel their eyes are watching in case i lose myself again sometimes i think i'm happy here (sometimes) sometimes, yet i still pretend i can't remember how this got started but i can tell you exactly how it will end every day is exactly the same every day is exactly the same there is no love here, and there is no pain every day is exactly the same i'm writing on a little piece of paper i'm hoping someday you might find well i'll hide it behind something they won't look behind i am still inside you a little bit comes bleeding through i wish this could have been any other way but i just don't know i don't know what else i can do every day is exactly the same every day is exactly the same there is no love here, and there is no pain every day is exactly the same every day is exactly the same every day is exactly the same there is no love here, and there is no pain every day is exactly the same 5:33 PM Friday, November 10, 2006   So not much of anything has happened in the past month so I haven't written. It is a very quiet mountain so needless to say I have a lot of conversations with the dogs. I go to the dr's this month but I have been feeling alright I don't forsee any problems but I will update with appointment notes. I still go to the firehouse social club twice a week interesting group. B 2:54 PM Wednesday, October 11, 2006   10/11/06 Where the hell have I been and are you still checking in? Our friends have moved in with some family because logistically it is easier for them. But we enjoyed having their company here and they are welcome back anytime. We are still available to them night and day. I have done a couple blood tests another MRI, nothing out of the ordinary. Finally got our last piece of the new house working our fireplace this week. The leaves are changing colors here it is beautiful outside. You see I got nothing. 2:55 PM Wednesday, September 20, 2006   Wednesday, September 20, 2006 Sharing blessings, you thought your day sucked Close friends of ours are now shacking up with us (read her explanation below). And we wouldn't have life any other way Heather and I are so blessed that this is the least we want to do, and would love to do more. The Day That Turned Out Sucky Current mood: shocked Ok so here I am sitting in my best friends house not sleeping because to many thought are running through my head Let me back track a little bit.................. September 10, 2006 I decide that my big project for the upcoming week it to peel out all the caulking for the tub and fix it.So I go to Ace Hardware and pick some up... September 11, 2006 7:30a.m. Get up start my day as usual. Make breakfast, get drinks ready for the girls, get dressed and make Lizzies lunch 8:00a.m. Get Lizzie up for school, get Emily changed and dressed. 8:30a.m. Get Lizzie on the bus, make breakfast for Emily and myself and srtip all the sheets off the beds (It's Monday and that is sheet changing day) Turn on the computer and Sesame Street and start to check my email; Turn on the other Tv to listen to the 9/11 Service on TV 8:46a.m. On TV the Bells just started ringing and the names were being read and there was a POP in my house. So I go check the fuse box and the breaker was off the the Upstairs Bathroom Lighting, but it won't flip back on.So I figure I will call Eric at work around lunch time and remind him to check on it when he gets home. 9:06a.m. The doorbell starts ringing like crazy and I run up the stairs (picture this my sheets and personall items are laying at the bottom of the stairs and I am yelling I will be right there while kicking them to the laundry room door) So my neighter Barbara (aka BESTEST LADY EVER) is outside. See the next I am not sure how long below: Barbara: I think your house might be on fire Me: WHAT (at this point I run outside and freak out) Barbara: Where is the baby Me: Here (at this point I threw Emily out the door to her hoping she would catch her) ***Then I run back in the house for the dog push him out*** ***Then I run back in the house for my purse*** ***Then I run back in the house for the car keys*** ***Then I run back in the house for the phone*** ***Then I run back in the house to turn off the main power*** Yeah, yeah yeah so I ran in the house like 4 time even though there was billowing black smoke coming from my roof.. WHATEVER!! Don't judge me... I call 911: 911: hello what is you emergancy Me: my freaking house is on fire please send someone quickly (at this point I am patroling around the outside of my house) 911: What is your name Me: Rebecca 911 What is your phone numbe mam: Me: I don't know 911: Is it and they say my number Me: I guess so 911: What is your address: Me: I don't freaking know just send someone now my house is on fire 911: Ok mam we know where you are can you give me any directions Me I don't freaking know just get someone to my Goddam house is it on fire. **At this point Barbara takes the phone and gives them directions*** Now my neighbors from behind me are there. Frank: are you ok I called my wife she is coming home Me: what Frank is now yelling at his wife in the phone just come home her house is on fire and she is having a nervouse breakdown in the driveway. **I was at this point on my knees hysterically crying** Barbara is running out into the road as I squeese Emily as hard as I can to catch the ambulance.. Franks wife shows up and takes a blanket from the ambulance and takes Emily with her. The dog is at the other neighbors next door. Now the fun begins..... I decide I should call Eric at work because the ambulance is there and the EMT people are checking the house and the power. They come out and say that the house is on fire in the attic (NO FREAKING SHIT!!!!) So I call Eric Secratary: Good Morning Addmissions Me: This is Becky I need Eric Now Secratary: Oh Hi Bec... Me: Stop I need Eric right now there is an emergancy Eric: Hey whats up Me: You need to come home right now the house is on fire Eric: What Me: The house is on freaking fire get home now Eric: Call 911 Me: No shit I already did GET HOME NOW Then I call my mother: Mom: Good Morning Sally Beauty Supply Me: I need dad to come up right now my house is on fire I need daddy right now Mom: OH MY GOD I will call him right now Then I call my father in Law: Dad M: Hey Beck Me: I need you to come up my house is on fire Dad: Call 911 Me: I did they are here please come up Dad: I have something to pick up first and I will be right there *** I know what the hell can't it wait my house is on fire*** Mean while my best friend shows up and we go running to each other like to long lost lovers (DORKY but true) And now I am watching them put out the fire. The whole time thinking OH MY GOD... But it can't be to bad there are not flames shooting out, uh oh thought that to soon because here they come shooting out of the roof. The fire cheif comes over to me and says that they need to cut my roof up and my house up to contain the fire because it is still in the attic. I don't even know time at this point but firemen are coming up to me giving me small details and my best friends husband comes running down the road with jackets and hugs me and now I start to cry again.. He is my go to man at this point. He called the insurance company and gets the ball rolling. Now my entire family is here, my dad (who by the way is sporting a chourdroy sport jacket with patches on the sleeve.), my father in law, my husband (who just has this shocked look on his face the whole time), my mom, and my 2 sisters... (I AM VERY LUCKY) So the fire is out, and they let me and Eric in the house... HOLY CRAP!!!!! That is all I can say.. My neat house is no more... The carpets are puddles, the floors are buckling, the cabinets are dripping, the toilets are filled with crap, the ceiling are peeling, the walls are crumbling, the counters are buckling, the stop is wet, but the plus is I now have a sky light in my bathroom right above the toilet. WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!! September 12, 2006 We are now homeless, well not really we are crashing at my best friends house THANK GOD!!!!!!! Elizabeth is still in school and pretty calm just worried about her toys. But we are all ok just frazzled and that is the good part..... 9:25 AM Wednesday, September 06, 2006   9/6/06 40 years can be a long time Man why are people so messed up to people closest to them. Example I see this older woman in the supermarket. She says I married the wrong man, over 40 years and he is the wrong man, I can barely walk and am almost dead. Now this was no joke. She meant it. Now I am no saint have never claimed to be but I have been more aware in recent years, of people that are positive and negative in life. Life continues it’s punishing grind. But life is a balancing act also. I just lost a good friend I thought, for reasons I still don’t totally understand. But on the flip side my best guy friend just had a son so the world is blessed. I have to admit it is still a wound my “ex” friend. I am in the height of my life though. I have a new house with my new wife, my best friend. Come on there are days where you can’t even seem to get along with yourself. It is just the ebb and flow of lives. 3:55 PM Tuesday, September 05, 2006   So in trying to find new doctors out here I spoke to a cancer foundation who sent me information. Included in this packet was a little book called, "What you need to know about brain tumors". Now my knee gut reaction would be what are you gonna teach me. But with an open mind I decided to peruse it. Surgery, radiation, chemo, chemo trials, know all about this stuff. It was very broad based information. Heather comes home from work and sees me reading this and goes,"Don't you think it's a little late for that?" 12:10 PM Friday, August 25, 2006   8/25/06 Why did they lie to us? They told us and made us memorize that pluto was a planet in our solar system. Not only have I never used this fact, I was forced to memorize one to many planets. I know a ot of comedians joke about algebra being useless which it is. But what about only teaching us the alphabet forwards when there are critical times in life you need to know it backwards. I can't do my own taxes, balance my checkbook, where's your algebra now? We leave high school with no pratical knowledge. When are we goimg to know that a train and car were doinng speed x to get to point y. We look at the train schedule and then addd 1/2 an hour because we know they are lying. In a car we risk dying speeds but usually get there the same time as a law abiding citizen give or take 3 minutes. How to do basic plumbing in your house, fix a toilet lets say call a plumber pay $300 now that knowledge is worth something. The bones in my hand unless I break one and the doctor will explain anyway useless, thanks for the time suck biology class. And don't tell me you know anyone proficient in a foreign language from high school..... You get my point... 10:39 AM Thursday, August 24, 2006   Thursday, August 24, 2006 Why does it seem like everyone around me here has had someone in their life die from brain tumors? Is this where we all come, they ship us to? 2 people this week alone one second husband and one girlfriend both bim bam boom poof gone. But not Bob he is here to stay maybe this is part of my mission.... stay tuned for details...... 7:12 PM Sunday, August 20, 2006   Sunday, August 20, 2006 friends and family Not everyone is going to think like you. Some people if you just order pizza for instance when they come over, don't see the difference in over 10 hours of cooking a home cooked meal. Some do. When they don't you have to look at where it's coming from, and leave it there. If you are a horrible cook order pizza, if you know you can nail it cook it, but we can not expect everyone to get it or show their appreciation. If you know the pizza people are coming, pizza they will get. Friendships have highs and lows words can screw people and people live different types of lives. Be careful what you wish for in losing a friend or drifting to far apart that is what you will get. It happens I never thought someone would be upset with me being so happy in a relationship. Friendships 2 way phone works both ways be the bigger person put the call through. If they go unanswered remember one door opens another one closes, the chapters of life. 9:57 AM Friday, August 18, 2006   8/18/06 Celebrate life. New life. Your life. Anyone who has had the miserable experience in any fashion of coming close to losing it changes perspective in one form or another. It's not about the actions sometimes it's about the lack of actions or your state of mind. Sometimes if you know how much someone cares it will change your outlook. Life doesn't keep score. Games do. Help someone today in someway. And if they don't appreciate it get a laugh at being snotty back to them. Where you are or where you are going can sometimes be steered by your head. Remember you don't have total control or else you would never stub your tow. 9:13 PM Tuesday, August 15, 2006   8/15/06 If your day sucks... not getting better Current mood: crazy Think of something crazy, stupid and funny you and or you and one of your friends did and friggin laugh. Change gears. Reach out and just touch someone. If it is pinching a strangers ass do it, I guarantee you will laugh when she walks away or simply pick up the phone and talk to someone that you never get around to calling. Call a stranger and pretend to be a telemarketer. B 4:06 PM Monday, August 14, 2006   Welcome to the best year of my llife: My soulmate, best friend, lover, the works, married ME. I am still in shock. Super-Honeymoon. Sold old house. Bought and furnished new big house. Babies on the way from 2 friends this month. CAN I GET A HELL FUCKING YEAH, thanks Tommy. Top that pizza hut. Pizza hut? I have no idea. Punching out. 12:04 PM Sunday, August 13, 2006   This is a long catty one There is what my groomsman said and my answers thses are parts are my responses to my groomsman email: Dude, I have just been really busy. Sorry I have beenunreachable... Unreachable... interesting what about didn't call you back (see end) I am not touching base with someone unreachable.... how do I touch base then? Listen, I want to tell you something that has been onmy mind in the interest of communication amongstfriends. Our friendship is not what it was. I don't know where we went wrong or got off track but its veered of the road. I am starting a new life with my wifeand 2 families it is an adjustment you have alreadygone through in the years after Phantasm that during that time we didn't hang out much or even speak. Taking aside the devastating illness that you have hadto deal with all these years, and understanding that it has hijacked everything, we just are not there for each other like we were. There is NO taking aside CANCER it isstill in me I am currently on chemo-therapy. I have been told by a Vietnam Special Operations vet that my experience with cancer is just like Vietnam or Iraq (his son is coming home badly burned and with brokenbones on one side of his body) I looked death in theeye and crawled away. Ask Lance Armstrong if he couldput it aside. Dude I can't grow hair for the rest ofmy life which I don't care about as long as I canlive. Not many people came to see me in the hospitallast time, but the people that did are my tightest group, even Bob Byzell came last time. My wife thinks about it more than I do and has to stay tough, and hadher grandfather pass on the same week, and only missed one day. Imagine being scared to lose your spouse at anytime and having no control. Every week even through the honeymoon, marriage and move I made time to write the same soldier in Iraq right now. I gave him a couple minutes of distraction while he defends our right to email. Been doing it going on 10 months now. I feel good knowing that I stood by my friend when he needed me. You did take me in for a follow up which was great of you because for about 3 of the past 6 years I could not drive according to my doctors and couldn't get into the city to see them on my own. I remember hiding in your car so a tech wouldn't see me I was slumped over for like an hour. But, when was the last time that you called me up and said "lets go have dinner together, or "we're in theneighborhood and we'd like to see you". Same paragraph you are comparing dinner tocancer? Chemo rerstricts your diet a lot of times Iam happy I can function as much as I can. I told you on the phone when you complained about your income, I live on 30 K a year I can't go out much, even though I know you treated a lot of times I thank you for that. Now I know you're thinking that we have both been busy and I agree and understand, but we really don't do what friends do. If you and I do something its becauseI called you. Why???? You are one of the only cats I could call during the day because you are in sales and I did call, you called me on the way to appointments or gigs. I have friends that understand I was planning a wedding,moving, all that stuff I did a lot of phone work for. I know you're married now, but I have been for 8 yrs,plus Grace, and I can always make time for my friends. All the gigs you do I told you I consider you to busy on the weekends to even call. There are part of the 8 + years I didn't hear from you often either. I was very hurt that you were not at Grace's party. IKNOW THAT YOU JUST MOVED IN AND HAD THINGS TO DO AND IUNDERSTAND THAT, Love the caps for effect but come on. but couldn't that have waited, to do something nicefor someone that you called "your niece" on the phone?? What makes you close like that to her, because you say you are, or because of your actions?? Are you giving me the Bob Byzell speach? save it. Ask your parents. Ask Bonnie. When you moved I was the first person there and last to leave for 2 days and gladly. Your father called me one of your best friends for being so helpful. And I don't regret it unless you do. My actions? I do what I can and can't afford much. I was extremely busy with a day full of activities the day I screwed up taking you to lunch on the day of Heathers shower, but I knew it was IMPORTANT to you and I could not let you down. I was busy too my friend, and I canceled several things that day and left my wife and daughter behind for you. Again don't lay this at my door step you screwed up the day. And I am one of your few true friends who has told you your family comes first. I was happy togo to lunch with you very happy, but would have never been mad if you spent time with Bonnie and Grace. Thats the truth I was happy your last band let you go. But you were still to concerned with gigging so you started playing again and left your family for your own reasons wanting to gig take your wedding ring off and having girls say they miss you on my space. Mywife, family and friends are all I need. I knew what I had to do and I was fine with that because you are my friend... And as your friend I would not have been hurt if you said you made an honest mistake in scheduling and it was and spent the day with Bonnie and Grace. Lastly, I want to ask you if you feel that I added something to the wedding, in some way? I guess my gift to you for being in my wedding was nothing? I had 2 people in my wedding party you were one did I make a dent as one of 6 in your wedding? Remember I was at your tux fitting? You were the last to get yours for mine, john john out of state had his before you you drive around to meetings all day, but I digress into trivial meaningless crap was beeing in my wedding important to you you said so at the time....Did I spend hundreds of dollars and leave my family for the weekend for the bachelor party? You leave your family almost every weekend soyou can work on playing the drums at age 35, and you had a gig that weekend you got covered. Did I take you for that lunch at Windlass as a guy's brunch? Already covered, you did and thank you. I do cherish time alive with my friends because I have tasted death. Did I pick you guys up and drop you guys off and do anything I could to make the day better on your day? No you put me ahead of your family. Thank youfor being my friend and sorry I haven't said enough before. Apologize to Bonnie and Grace for me getting in the way. Well I have yet to receive a thank you card for the wedding, for the gift, Number one ask Bonnie how it works we JUST received our pictures to send out in thank you's today. I have them pre-written, stamped etc. alreadyto go out. the bachelor party, Which John planned and executed perfectly, I did buy the steak dinner as a thank you. Sorry for the homo humor but the rest of us loved it. the luncheon, or anything. Do you think that's right?? Thank you's for the bachelor party? Luncheon? I didn't know we sent that many cards to each other. I thought loving you as a friend was enough. Sillyme. I am a non confrontation, easy going guy. I repel awayfrom arguments and disagreements, in fact it was EXTREMELY hard for me to write this, but I just had to mention these things because they have been bothering me so much. Look as friends you have to respect the ebb and flow of life. Felix, John, Jim, Doug, Dennis my brother in law all have not bitch slapped me which I feel this is. Being good friends as we are is about reciprocating for one another. I have no outstanding love for corvettes, but I do you, and happily went to 2 shows with you, to spend time with you, my friend. 2 more shows we haven't one because you left your family to go gig again, and one for the blessing of your new child. Have you ever gone to a Harley rally? I have known you a long time Bob and we have walked through fire together several times. Remember the times I worked long and hard for Phantasm as far as long Island, philly, as close as Newark pulling all nighters watching the gear all night while you were the rockstar? We used to do anything to help one another because we wanted to and it was important. Lets not forget how we arrived at this point. There are lots of good times ahead in our lives. I hope there are I have fought hard to live this far with one regret I didn't serve my country in the Army. I am not asking you to come over here and cook me breakfast every Sunday, You don't get up for breakfast you are out at gigs all night. (Just a little bitter at this point.) but friends make time for each other, I am here all week not that far away, seeingJersey people 3 out of 4 weekends so far. I never drove you around hung over keyless, puked on my car,hit a deer, moved you out of an ex's while she cried,offered brutally honest advice like hey maybe your last band was right second child stay home focus on the family we are growing up and getting older, more responsibility.and do things for each other, and show appreciation to one another... Man I have told you I love you and thank you. Other friends that are married and moved understand the phase. I said what I had to say and I look forward to your reply... What is this a sales email you look forward to my reply no tuck in at the end my friend Len? P. S., I hope that you and Heather are enjoying yournew home... Do you really or is this a callback to when you never called me last about helping to move on that Friday when I watched Heather Pass out on the floor from working to hard that day.... you did not know about that because you didn't call me back when you said you would. Look I still love you but calling me out like this hurts me and my family, if you feel the need to push away I am sorry. I never meant to pull you away from your family, you do every time you gig. Your friend for life....Bob P.S. Guys shouldn't do tit for tat living with a wife is challenging enoug for any man, because we screw that up daily, by not being 100%. 8:37 AM Thursday, August 10, 2006   Thursday, August 10, 2006 why pa? That's what a lot of people asked. Because when I look at my house I yell a big Tommy Lee, "Hell Fin' Yeah". Thats why OK almost all set we just need to jump through the dmv hoops to get that stuff set up. Not much new for me. We hired a fence guy to put in a fence for the dogs. They still hate being tied up. I was working in the yard clearing some brush when I must have disturbed a hive It has been cool at night here we even dipped into the 50's one night. 10:37 PM Thursday, August 03, 2006   We are pretty well situated in out home as I had previously written. I think I found a doctor to work with out here. For a minute there I thought I would be driving 80 miles each way once a week to monitor my condition. I started chemo therapy again. I felt a little sick all day it has been a lot worse in the past. I still have to go to NYC for my specialist. We went swimming yesterday at the community pool with Heather’s friend and 2 daughters. The pool here is cool I got sunburned in one rectangle area on my upper back that I didn’t cover. It has been high 90’s to 100 for 3 days here. I have been meeting some of the neighbors finally they all seem nice. I joined the social club at the fire house. At the least it’s a way to support the volunteer fire department, but mostly I hope to meet some new people there, some locals. They have to vote on admitting you and then you are on a 90 day probation period. To make sure they want to hang out with you I guess They have several events throughout the year and a bar open almost everyday. I will not try to explain the drag party they had with the men in womens clothes but they do shoot things in the fall behind the firehouse. Guns Booze, men in drag = a good time. We lost power last night for 8 hours and then about 1 hour during the day. I was worried about our food in the fridge, but everything stayed. We didn’t open it until the power was on again. There was more banking drama but I got it straightened out and won’t bore you with it. But still don’t use Bank of America. My parents came up this past weekend and we went back to Jersey to see Heather’s family. This weekend just us and the house. No obligations, moving, family entertaining, but I am sure it will still be busy. I have a 3rd estimate on a fence coming tomorrow. The 2nd guy wanted $1000 more than the first guy so he is out. The dogs really want to be free of their leads on a tree. That and they are real jealous of the cat. It poured here earlier and I made the mistake of letting them back out when it dried up a little and was cool out. They are a mess, mud head to paw. It’s a dogs life! 8:51 PM Sunday, July 30, 2006   Sunday, July 30, 2006 playing catch up We are here in our new house and almost unpacked. It is great it doesnt yet feel like home. It is so much bigger than our last house. We had a 26 foot box truck stuffed. Heathers brother and parents helped a lot. Some of my friends kicked in help and my parents also. My mortgage company still hasnt given us a closing date. We cant get mail here until we close. Theres a wild turkey that runs around a deer. But I think since the dogs came home there will be less of that. There are a couple things left for the builder to do they will be here Thursday and Friday working. But 75% of our stuff is unpacked in less than a week hey neither of us is working right now so we used the time. We still have some organizing to do but I got rid of a bunch of boxes. It is rural up here, it is going to take a little getting used to that is for sure. Believe it or not the phone company is almost a week late in installing our phone Verizon is on my S list also. They say since its a new house setting it up for 911 location is difficult. It is 2006 right? They are building all over this mountain and I found out that they do have wires all over here. Hopefully by next week we will have things pretty well tied up. We still have to re take the written part of the Pa. drivers license test just to convert our licenses, but cant do that until our house is officially ours. See how my mortgage company runs us in a vicious circle. It is like living in limbo which I am sure you do a lot of. We cant even get our mail because we cant prove we live here. We are a lot more settled in now. We finally close on the house tomorrow, but not after tons of phone calls. We then have to set up our mail, garbage, join the community. I finally met a woman up here (no not like that shes married also). She lives in one of the 3 houses my builder has built up here. It was great she was giving me advice on our development. Man I had a phone fight with Bank of America today. Stay far away from them if they are by you. They have a screen that prompts the tellers to automatically send you a credit card, this woman did even after I said no. We were moving and going to be changing banks anyway so I didnt want the card to get lost in the mail. Well they sent it anyway. I called up to cancel it and did so and after some words with the rep he hung up on me. I put over $100,000 in their bank after I sold our last house and they hung up on me. And this is the short version. I spoke to 6 people on the phone. By next Friday I hope to have this account closed. I dont need to bank with them. I have been pushing myself to much with getting settled and get run down I hope to start getting more rest now. I hope everything is good with you. I found some old friends online (actually they found me) and that has been cool. I have a new address if you get time for a letter: This new house is great for us, but it is taking some getting used to it is rural up here they dont deliver mail and dont pick up garbage. Come on these are in the constitution right? I kept looking like, no one is putting out garbage. What gives? But we are getting a 50 gallon steel drum and we can burn some of it. FIRE! But if the windows are open our smoke detectors will go crazy. So it might be more of a fall sport. Today on a trip out I threw some of our garbage in someones unsuspecting dumpster hey desperate times equal desperate measures. I am pretty sure thats not legal. But is should be wrong not picking up garbage or not delivering mail either. 9:23 AM Monday, July 24, 2006   Guess who's moved into the neighborhood? They don't even know what they are in for. B 8:31 PM Friday, July 14, 2006   7/15/06 moving day We are moving Sat the 15th so we will not have web access try not to miss us too much. 8:01 AM Wednesday, June 28, 2006   Things are CRAZY here. It’s been raining for a whole week and the dogs can’t play in the yard all day so they are just being whiny brats, they want to go play but if they go in the yard they will be a muddy mess. Packing for the move, doctors visits, lawyer calls, house repairs, me yelling at our mortgage company. I am trying to get documents to this one signatures to that one, it just stinks. We totally went from the chaos of planning our wedding, to the chaos of this move. I scheduled the dogs for a kennel while we move. I have to schedule a moving truck. I can’t wait for it to be over. All this chaos I have to keep track of in a notebook, phone numbers fax etc. The mortgage company will not move forward until our builder is completely finished with our house when that will be I don’t know. I am waiting to hear back from the builder to nail that date down. We ordered some furniture and we have that scheduled to be shipped out there. Heather changed over her license and social security cards to her married name last week and we opened accounts together. Health wise I have to have another MRI. I also have to start Chemo therapy again. I really don’t even know when I should start this torture I have so much to do I can’t afford to compromise my health right now. 7:20 AM Wednesday, June 21, 2006   Wassup. The house just came out of home inspection, I have to negotiate a couple repairs with them now. New house is being worked on dillengently, We should be moving @ the 15th of July. It is stressful for both of us. Heather is trying to find a job out there. That is very stressful. We have been packing like as banshees. Not much else new, don't want anything else right now. We have enough on our plates. Dogs are good. 11:37 AM Wednesday, June 14, 2006   Some wedding pictures here: http://www.pyhooya.com/ Courtesy of Doug. 5:42 PM   6/14/06 So much has happened in 11 days. Oh how time flies and life rolls on. Wedding was huge exciting, and seemed to go by so quick; I don’t even have words to describe the whole experience. I picked up our marriage licenses today. It is official now Bob’s married will all the camped out women on the front lawn go home? We went to the Bahamas for 5 days it was fun we ate tons of food, drank a lot. We got back home Friday night around 730 pm picked up Chinese food and sacked out. Saturday the marathon began. We went to Heathers parents picked up our gifts, went to pick up the dogs. We stopped in the grocery store. Back home again. We got an offer on the house, accepted it they want to be moved into here in like 4 weeks. So we are out of attorney review I have the water and fire inspection tomorrow. The home inspection is this Monday. My builder is trying to finish our house which he thought he had more time to do. Yesterday we had to order all the appliances so the builder can install them next week. Heather’s been sick for the past 2 weeks. Me since Tuesday last night I think my fever broke though I was up to 101.7 feeling like crap. So no rest for the wicked, we keep thinking it will all be over soon, it is never over. I am trying to do doctor visits, an MRI in New York, it’s like Christmas busy. Oh and don’t forget packing, we have to finish that. And this is the cliff notes version. 3:43 PM Saturday, June 03, 2006   Wedding Day I get picked up in 45 minutes my stomachs been nervous all mourning.... dinner last night? Nerves? Dunno. Oh, can't you see that you were born to stand by my sideAnd I was born to be with you, you were born to be my bride,You're the other half of what I am, you're the missing pieceAnd I love you more than ever with that love that doesn't cease.Blasser's out 10:54 AM Friday, June 02, 2006   6/2/06 To Heather: Thank you for marrying me you mean the world to me ( now you better show up 2morrrow). I might not always be right, but I will be your Mr. Right, and you are and always will be my Mrs. Right. You are beautiful in so many ways. I look forward to our life together as we journey together right by your side. I am outta here Bob 11:24 PM Wednesday, May 31, 2006   You breathed on me and made my life a richer one to live, When I was deep in poverty you taught me how to give, Dried the tears up from my dreams and pulled me from the hole, Quenched my thirst and satisfied the burning in my soul. 7:39 AM Tuesday, May 30, 2006   5/30/06 I love you more than ever, more than time and more than love, I love you more than money and more than the stars above, Love you more than madness, more than waves upon the sea, Love you more than life itself, you mean that much to me. 7:22 AM Monday, May 29, 2006   5/30/06 The saying goes everything happens for a reason. Well at this big change in my life I know why this is happening. So everything before this was a dress rehearsal? Some of those rehearsals were cruel jokes played on me. I am not wallowing in my past illnesses although life without them would have been ok. Or would it? Would I be who I am without all the head stuff? Would I be with Heather is the big question. I mean we are rock solid I mean everyone has some cracks, don’t get me wrong. I mean she smokes crack just to deal with me everyday. I don’t like to do what ifs there was a time when I lived going in circles like a hawk wondering if I missed something. With Heather I don’t do that my life is forward. OJ said it if the glove don’t fit, nothing else in my life fit. I only guess that I must have wasted my time waiting for A. Heather to get out of High School, she is 6 years younger than I am and B. Me to be ready to know how to love her, she has taught me through her actions of love. And I guess I just road different boats until we passed in the right night at the right time. There has been no other passion for me since. I used to get whiplash in the city from all the ships that passed me by. Heather has changed that and I thought nothing could change that. I really don’t care anymore. I mean now I see or hear guys like damn look at her. I am like great, yep, somewhere some guy is sick of her. I hope they are on the right ships. Everything that has come before has made me learn when “It” hit me in the form of Heather. Yes she hits me help, help. She puts on a man-beater t-shirt and it’s on. 12:14 PM Friday, May 26, 2006   Memorial day recap I have been writing to a soldier over in Iraq for the past 5 months so that has taken a lot of my writing time. I send a letter every week and a package every month. I am just trying to give a little something back. I told him when they got home we will hand over the non supporters to him. He comes home in October. He is a mechanic and works nights. He’s 23 but says he feels like he is 60 some days. I have only gotten one letter from him. So most of my letter’s have just been one sided banter. He is lucky I can talk up a storm about the little I do in life, trust me he is probably a little tired about hearing about our dogs. Luckily he is a dog person. I really like trying to support him and his platoon in my own little way. One package I sent over pens pads and envelopes so they can write home. No staples for them to run to. I send fun stuff like candy also. I just sent him a birthday package with food drinks books, birthday cards a dog leash for his dog when he comes home. When Heather’s one friend’s brother was stationed over there we tore Walmart up for like $300 of snacks toiletries magazines it was like 3 boxes of stuff it was cool. 12:36 PM   5/26/06 7 days to the wedding. All is set. Heather is going away with her bridesmaids on Saturday overnight. I got bar-b-que all set. But enough about that, it’s memorial day weekend. I know most people just see it as a day off, start of summer etc. But what is it really about? Be thankful to your veterans Past and Present. Myself whenever I see anyone in military dress from past or present I go up to them and thank them. Honestly I really do. I even weekly write to a troop in Iraq. I got connected with him through: http://adoptaplatoon.org/new/ I have also donated to Paralyzed veterans here: http://www.pva.org/ You can send paper books to: http://operationpaperback.usmilitarysupport.org/ You can send a package via these people: http://www.treatanysoldier.com/ Or I am sure if you asked around you could make it more personal find out if anyone has family in the services. I have done that to. I am not saying I am high and mighty. I am just respectful to people who sacrificed for our country and give something back. Now if you are just talking about our current war. It is not about all Muslims. It is the extremists. Just look for how France and Europe. They are riddled with extremists. Our troops are truly trying to suppress these people from coming after our country again. Support the troops even if you don’t support the war. Last night I watched a show about a Marine core from Ohio who lost a lot of troops in the Iraq war. It showed pictures of some people that didn’t make it home, showed their families back home it killed me I was just tearing up. To see these young guys 18-22 losing their lives. I just want all the troops to come home. I remember my dad saying these boys need to come home. I am assuming that he sees his early life in these troops. Don’t forget the older vets, I feel bad because people hated the Vietnam War and took it out on the returning vets. There are not many other vets still around a lot of the Korean vets and WW2 and forget WW1, there are just a few vampires still around. These survivors are often forgotten also. If you have a local VFW try helping them if you can a lot of the older vets can’t even keep the halls going. Volunteer some time I promise it won’t kill you and they tell great stories, you might just hear the same story over and over though. You can become an associate member even if you not a veteran. A lot of them have cool bars, where the beer is cheap and pool tables. Hmmmm $6.00 for a beer here, $2.00 for a beer there, hell you can drink there to support them. Come on!!!! What’s Memorial day weekend without a beer? 12:12 PM Thursday, May 25, 2006   5/25/06 Nine days left. It's exciting, tiring, house isn't sold yet. I can't wait just send me a good credit first time home buyer soon. Know anyone? Send them my way. I need a nap. Blood test yesterday, I had to go to Pa. Tuesday about the new house, and Monday I had a dr. appt, in the city. The past weekend was busy also, final wedding plans. A few more items for next week and then BANG wedding. The way I feel now I will sleep through the Bahama trip. We take a car service from a motel at 5 am to go to the airport the morning after our wedding. I will be sleeping on the plane. I have gotten a few emails from people with brain tumors from my blog. It is interesting to see people all going through similar problems, but you all kind of come to grips or a different philosophy, inner-peace on your own. Life has it's own journeys for us. I feel bad for our troops every day is a gamble. Some people go through their days, weeks, hell lives and never think for others. I even see people who take their own spouses and children for total granted. Now I am not above reproach by far. I just have more time to look from the outside in. And I do not lie about what I see. 11:43 AM Saturday, May 20, 2006   5/20/06 So I have this dream right. We are all getting our seating chart together today and I was still waiting on a few responses. I switch offices with this one person that I was waiting on which is funny because it was in an office I never worked in, and funnier since I am out on disability. Turns out this office is used as storage for toilet paper and has a bunch of garbage in it. Then someone who did respond comes around as the cleaning person and I told them well maybe you want to come back there is a ton of garbage here. I got woken up by the pups and I put this Alice in Wonderland thing together. Yet just another case of from my perspective someone’s work, which in the realm of things is important to the person’s survival financially, in my perspective not really meaning anything in the world of friends it is nothing but poo paper and garbage. What the dream laid out to me was if you can not take the time out of all that to check off will not attend and mail back the pre-stamped card you need to question your priorities to yourself. Because all that garbage and poo paper isn’t going to be your friend or make you any more money. Don’t lose sight of the fact that your job is your job but your friends will be there for you office of junk or not. But don’t worry cause we’re still friends. You just won’t be in our seating chart, you can’t see out from your office, I didn’t take it you are just lost in it. 7:17 AM Thursday, May 18, 2006   We went to see our DJ for the wedding this past week, we have that all set. I had my bachelor party this past weekend down at Atlantic City with a couple of friends. We partied like rock stars in at least ½ dozen bars, saw a comedy show, and ate a ton of food and slept very little. It took me days to recover, thanks to some of my closest friends. Heather goes away this weekend for a night. Our wedding is 2 weeks from Saturday, June 3rd. We are looking forward to it, This Sunday we meet with the hall and we are all set. Time is flying by. No blood test this week, one less thing I had to do. I have one next week and then my wedding, honeymoon. Which reminds me I need a good book for the flight / trip. The dogs have been behaving better one of them was sick this week. I had to watch over him. 8:36 AM Tuesday, May 16, 2006   The Fundamental Things Bonnie Raitt Let's run naked through these city streets We're all captives of captivity Let's wear madness like a crucifix Let's tattoo Bible quotes across both our hips [Chorus:] Let's get back to the fundamental things Let's get back to the elements of style Let's get back to simple skin on skin Let's get back to the fundamental things Let's dance barefoot over broken glass Slither like a snake does through the wet, cold grass Howl and tremble in a sleepless grind Let's do the braindrain, leave it all behind [Chorus] You can sit in your room and worry You can contemplate the end Or let your house burn down behind you Run bare-ass through the streets again You can hide out on your rooftop Wishing you had never been Or go down to Hal's bar and grill Find your innocence again [Chorus] 4:14 PM Tuesday, May 09, 2006   Been tired, plenty tired this week. Not much new, we have to go discuss the florist tommorrow for the wedding. Down to 24 days. 11 days to rsvp or you get no seat. Hey even if it's no just send it in so we know we kept a pretty tight list, so if we invited cha we would love to see ya there. If you can't make it let us know, please. Damn my own sister hasn't rsvp'd, but she is just holding out for as long as possible in case she doesn't want to come. Hell I hope she isn't assuming I would put her down as coming, Respect the rsvp authoritie, If I don't have it in you don't have a seat. 4:20 PM Thursday, May 04, 2006   Blood numbers about the same down a little could be margin of error. Not really concerned. Tommorrow another trip to Pa. to look at houses. We are tired of the back and forth and are ready to move. We could be physically out of this house in probably a week right now. We already packed a bunch of stuff up already. But closing will probably take 45-60 days. Damn I can't wait. 4:00 PM Wednesday, May 03, 2006   5/3/06 One month until the wedding. Heather got hit on at her gym yesterday as she passed by some guy she turned around she only saw the back of his head. It’s like a Seinfeld episode; she will be in the gym thinking every guy with gray hair might be him. Obviously he wasn’t a butt guy or he would have been still looking at her. 7:30 AM Saturday, April 29, 2006   4/29/06 Hey for all those pains in the ass’s and drama friends starting May new rule. Do not hand the bride or groom any more drama. If it is wedding drama that’s what our Matron of honor and best men are for call them leave us out of it. Our plates are full. No more that includes no jokes on the bride and no guys acting like sorry ladies, bitches. Leave us out of it. Our 2 closest friends were chosen for these roles because of their power to stick by us and take care of business. No questions. No exceptions. 7:09 AM Friday, April 28, 2006   4/28/06 This blog came up on a google search for brain tumors from a woman helping a friend in Orlando. I offered some helpful advice. He is the same age as me but has had an inoperable brain tumor for 2 years. It is scary but I told her to tell him not to give up and a good mantra is “fuck that tumor”. I just say that this thing will not get me and live my life everyday and will continue to do so. I told them don’t use support groups a lot of times you read about people that didn’t make it and it can be depressing. Also books on chemo will tell you every possible side effect but drugs affect everyone differently. It has also taken me 6 years to become at peace with this monster. So I am trying to help a little where I can for this friend of a fighter. This thing will not take William or me. 12:27 PM Thursday, April 27, 2006   4/27/06 This one I made up for Fatboy and his favorite clent. Bud Light presents Real men of genius Today we salute you Mr. my orders so important client Mr. my orders so important clent There are people in need of kidneys But your worry is your order You need those bike seats yesterday But don’t want to pay for overnight shipping You don’t forget who you are to us Your order is truly the only thing that keeps us in business Any other order is unimportant to our bottom line You’re the man You’re so busy, please You don’t care about us You’re you So crack open a cold Bud Light Mr. my orders so important client In fact let me cancel all my other clients and just serve you Bud Light Beer Anheuser Beer St. Louis Missourri. Kidneys, kidneys for sale, but nobody cares because they didn't get their bike parts...... 6:36 PM   4/27/06 So I was thinking about a lot of things. I kind of feel stalled in life. Don’t get me wrong I don’t miss getting up everyday for a piece of the big pie at a job. With disability I can get the extra sleep my body tells me to. I have to look to past achievements to feel a sense of worth in life sometimes. I mean other people progress in their careers get raises can afford more luxuries in life not Bob. My accomplishments are behind me. I graduated college. I stayed off drugs. I s survived my mother’s abandonment. I sometimes tolerate my sister (to this day). I had probably a dozen jobs and most of them I was liked by my employers. But the cherry on top of all the stuff that fades away in the end is I am here to talk about it. I am healthy most people get caught in this web of these things being the most important things ever. I am aware that I am alive, something most people just assume is a given because they are so consumed with getting some work project done or sale made like it’s the end of the earth. I’ve been to the edge and your worries are stupid. I mean maybe I am a little jealous and searching for my place in all this because very few could tough it through like I did but I also feel like my thoughts sometimes will give some insight to people. I mean look what I have accomplished since my sickness. I bought a house. I have had 2 different vehicles. I have finally met my soul mate and am marrying her SOON. We are starting our family not in a biblical sense yet, but moving into a new house. The icing on the cake is I am alive to do it I kicked ass with the support of my family. The original intent of this page was to keep people informed as to my status of my condition, so I wouldn’t have to repeat the stories. Sometimes repeating the stories over and over gives me a lot of anxiety. Sometimes I can laugh about the old stories. But since then I have put a lot more personal notes up when I was feeling happy sad notes to friends’ family music I am into. But it has always been an outlet for where I am at at different times. Thanks for your support and reading this. 7:04 AM Tuesday, April 25, 2006   4/25/06 Only 8 mothes until Christmas want my list? 38 days until wedded bliss return your rsvp cards or no seat for you. After a trying weekend with her family this is for Heather: PRINCE "Beautiful, Loved And Blessed" From 3121 Wake up Ur beautiful, loved and blessed Feel me? (I think I do) When U found me I was just a piece of clay I was 4mless, U gave me a new name With the breath of life I now live abundantly All I needed was the potter's hand And the blood on Calvary (that's right) But 2 much power (tell it) Can can sometimes turn 2 shame 2 much desire Sometimes makes U feel the same (come on) But 4giveness is how U win the game I begged 4 truth, now I know the truth And that is when U came and said I was...Beautiful, loved and blessed I'm better than the day b4Cause U made me confess that I am...Beautiful, loved and blessed When U're free U're really free indeed All U gotta do is just plant the seed A constant battle 2 stay ahead of the game Is anybody famous when everybody wants fame? Always trying 2 break U down Thinkin' that'll raise 'em up I just wanna b happy Come take this bitter cup from me If I were ever 2 write my life story I could truly say through all the pain and glory I was just a piece of clay in need of the potter's hand Cause when U whispered in my ear The words I so now understand, oh...Beautiful, loved and blessed I'm better than the day b4 Cause U made me confess that I am...Beautiful, loved and blessed When U're free U're really free indeed All U gotta do is just plant the seed Everything U made U said, "That's good"B4 the fall of man U said, "That's good" Everytime I walk in faith, that's good U let me see another day, that's good B4 the earth was made U said, "Tamar, I will lead the way and U'll go far "Knowledge and understanding Understanding is good And when I wake up in the morning All I hear in my hood is people saying that they're... Beautiful, loved and blessed When U rescue me from the darkness And our heart just must confess Beautiful, loved and blessed When U're free U're free indeed All U gotta do is just plant the seed Hey, hey, hey Wake up it's a new day Hey, hey, hey Wave Ur hands in the air and say Hey, hey, hey Wake up it's a new day Hey, hey, heyWave Ur hands in the air and say Beautiful, loved and blessed U rescued me from the darkness in the wilderness But I am beautiful, loved and blessed No matter what the challenge I always pass the test That's what I am, beautiful That's what I am, beautiful I don't mean 2 put nobody down Still I must confess that I am... Beautiful, that's what I am That's what I am When U wanna give up, don't cause U know U always got a friend That's what I am, that's what i amThats' what I am Beautiful, beautiful That's what I am, that's what i am Thats' what I amBeautiful, beautiful Oh yeah, oh yeah Beautiful, beautiful Beautiful, beautiful 2:43 PM Sunday, April 23, 2006   enough rain.... 7:27 AM Friday, April 21, 2006   4/21/06 last quarter moon says so on the calendar.... So this realator calls last night at 7:20 pm.... says I am 5 minutes away can we come and see the house? I said yes as to not pass up an oppurtunity. It says to call ahead because of 2 big dogs.... it gets better she gets here with the uninterested couple and she is wearing a baggy flannel shirt with a wife beater under it. Um Pearl jam called and needs you on tour.... Or better yet how many miles you drive your 18 wheller today Large Marge? 1:51 PM Wednesday, April 19, 2006   blood numbers are in ..... up slightly margin of error? They did not go down again.... the fight isn't over yet... but boy did I buy a lot of meat to help my blood again this week coming!!!! Kick ass Doughnuts rule too.... 5:34 PM   blood numbers day.... hold your beath and turn purple... I will update later 7:15 AM Monday, April 17, 2006   4/17/06 Buy our house dammit….. Wedding planning… tying up little knots before tying the big knot. Bob Dylan Wedding Song I love you more than ever, more than time and more than love,I love you more than money and more than the stars above,Love you more than madness, more than waves upon the sea,Love you more than life itself, you mean that much to me.Ever since you walked right in, the circle's been complete,I've said goodbye to haunted rooms and faces in the street,To the courtyard of the jester which is hidden from the sun,I love you more than ever and I haven't yet begun.You breathed on me and made my life a richer one to live,When I was deep in poverty you taught me how to give,Dried the tears up from my dreams and pulled me from the hole,Quenched my thirst and satisfied the burning in my soul.You gave me babies one, two, three, what is more, you saved my life,Eye for eye and tooth for tooth, your love cuts like a knife,My thoughts of you don't ever rest, they'd kill me if I lie,I'd sacrifice the world for you and watch my senses die.The tune that is yours and mine to play upon this earth,We'll play it out the best we know, whatever it is worth,What's lost is lost, we can't regain what went down in the flood,But happiness to me is you and I love you more than blood.It's never been my duty to remake the world at large,Nor is it my intention to sound a battle charge,'Cause I love you more than all of that with a love that doesn't bend,And if there is eternity I'd love you there again.Oh, can't you see that you were born to stand by my sideAnd I was born to be with you, you were born to be my bride,You're the other half of what I am, you're the missing pieceAnd I love you more than ever with that love that doesn't cease.You turn the tide on me each day and teach my eyes to see,Just bein' next to you is a natural thing for meAnd I could never let you go, no matter what goes on,'Cause I love you more than ever now that the past is gone. Pulse Ani Difranco (Little Plastic Castle) you crawled into my bedlike some sort of giant insectand I found myself spellboundthat night at the sight of you therebeautiful and grotesque and all the rest of that bug stuffbluffing your way into my mouthbehind my teeth, reaching for my scarsthat night we got kicked out of two barsand laughed our way homethat night you leaned overand threw up into your hairand I held you there thinkingI would offer you my pulseif I thought it would be usefulI would give you my breathexceptthe problem with death is that you havesome hundred years and then they canbuild building on your only bones100 years and then your grave is not your ownwe lie in out beds, and our gravesunable to save ourselves fromthe quaint tragedies we inventand then undo from the stupid circumstanceswe slomen throughand I realized that night that the hall lightwhich seemed so bright when you turned it on is nothingcompared to the dawnwhich is nothing, compared to the lightwhich seeps from me while you're sleeping beautifuland grotesque resting caconed in my roomthat night we got kicked out of two barsand laughed our way homeand I held you there thinkingI would offer you my pulseI would give you my breathI would offer you my pulse 7:11 PM Sunday, April 16, 2006   4/16/06 Faces in life I have worn several when I was in sales I wore the I will try to manipulate you, but oh yeah I’m your best friend face just sign up and make me money. Then I can type run on sentences about it later. When you first start dating someone – you are on your best behaviour. In fact Chris Ropck said it best when you first start going out with someone it is not even you, it is your representative. When you live with someone you see all different faces from that person. Heck some can be ugly, but we all have them. The saddest ones you never see. You know that one person that always makes you laugh, sometimes their real face is really sad and lonely. The jokes and shtick face is just a defense mechanism. It helps them hide their pain I think a lot of the best comedians will even discuss other faces in a funny way just to blow off some steam. I have done the same thing sometimes to hide pain fear etc., throw a few jokes out there, and see what sticks. I do it a lot less now. Heather loves me for me and I for her I don’t have to be someone else, a character. That’s not to say my mean grumpy face never comes out of the closet. Just as long as for our relationship, I don’t come out of the closet, it just wouldn’t sit right for us that is. Oh yeah and my blood numbers started sliding, not good news. My house is up for sale, wanna buy it? It’s not Graceland but hell this is New Jersey Graceland is not here. But it is Bob-land….. 7:02 AM Friday, April 07, 2006   4/7/06 56 days tick tock….. Prince said he won’t sing anymore songs with cuss words – that’s like 50 of his songs they said. He said he doesn’t see the point he pushed the envelope as far as you can go already. It must be great not to answer to anyone as an artist. Meanwhile ½ his new CD is still about the old in out in out. CD debuted at #1. Nothing cooler than Buckcherry’s new song “Crazy Bitch” come on it’s an instant strip club classic up there with Girls Girls Girls. Not an easy feat but they nailed it. One of my biggest fan I inspired: yeah, but does anyone really wanna see present day Sharon Stone naked?I'm thinkin' that's some scary stuff right there. Now personally, I dig older chicks. Heather Locklear is still smokin' and she's very forty something AND single these days! Debbie Harry? Looked pretty good on the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame show, sure she's had some work done, but she's gotta be in her 50's. The Wilson sisters from Heart? Again, they gotta be close to 50 and I'd love to be the cream in that Oreo cookie. But Sharon Stone? She doesn't look good WITH clothes on!Oh, Bob,...... uh yeah......uh feel better....blah, blah, blah,......call me if you need anything.......yada, yada, yada.....give Heather a smooch for me.........dumdy dum dum......Jeez, what a douchebag I am! Love this guy he puts the fun in funerals… which just made me laugh when I remembered he owns a hearse!!!!! No venting, yelling this time… My blood numbers are still stable. 2:58 PM Tuesday, March 28, 2006   3/28/06 Chemo is done special diet done. I am glad that is over. My platlets are sliding a little I find out more tomorrow. I got an MRI of my head last week, I ran into my surgeon luckily and he looked at it and said it looked good. That is the best news you can hear with this situation, anything else sucks. My blood numbers are lowering a little though, I am a little nervous about that I have been writing to a soldier over in Iraq for the past 3 months so that has taken a lot of my writing time. I send a letter every week and a package every month. I am just trying to give a little something back. I told him when they got home we will hand over the non supporters to him. He comes home in October. He is a mechanic and works nights. He’s 23 but says he feels like he is 60 some days. I got my first letter from him like a week ago. So most of my letter’s have just been one sided banter. He is lucky I can talk up a storm about the little I do in life, trust me he is probably a little tired about hearing about our dogs. Luckily he is a dog person. I really like trying to support him and his platoon in my own little way. One package I sent over pens pads and envelopes so they can write home. No staples for them to run to. I send fun stuff like candy also. When Heather’s one friend’s brother was stationed over there we tore Walmart up for like $300 of snacks toiletries magazines it was like 3 boxes of stuff it was cool. Want to give back search adopt a platoon. Help the people that help you. DO SOMETHING. They are sacrificing for you. Aaaaah why am I telling the people that still care to read my rant’s. You guys are there for me, and read this train wreck. It’s the people that can’t take the time to read this that need the lecture, the whole point of this is so I don’t have to tell everyone what’s been going on so people can keep tabs on the guy that doesn’t go anywhere. Then when you do remember to call, first question, what’s going on? Still on chemo? Um been over all of this. Thanks for still reading. 7:36 PM Wednesday, March 08, 2006   3/8/06 I am about to finish my two week chemo therapy regimen on this Thursday. I still have to keep up the diet for 2 more weeks. I had a wicked side effect yesterday I felt like I was spinning counter clockwise (picture drunken room spins) so even walking was difficult I had to lie down for like an hour to wait it out. I just started paying cobra payments for my insurance, now my debt will just compound crazy. On disability you can’t just pull $400 out of the air each month, can you? Here’s a joke I got a collections notice for $742 from NYU hospital. I call the agency, they can’t tell me who to call at the hospital to ask about it, if I call back in 3 weeks they will have that information, she did know I had good credit though…. Go figure a mystery to us all but she has access to my credit. This is the first time I am hearing about this. 5:22 PM Wednesday, March 01, 2006   When I look down I just miss all the good stuff, When I look up I just trip over things. 4:42 PM   3/1/06 I was never that bad baby that you had to toss me out…. But I was never so good that I left you free from doubt You know those days when you can’t say or do anything right and there is no logical reason why. It’s no ones fault or is it? Do I create chaos around me? I try sometimes either way I still don’t know the secret. Maybe we aren’t supposed to know. I don’t know maybe that’s why my head got screwed up physically, because I am sick mentally. And my thinking I am on top of my game is just my own insanity still. Make the world stop I want to get off. Maybe I just don’t do the right drugs. I don’t friggin know, then you got to realize we have it a lot better than a lot of other people, but unfortunately we can’t help everyone, so that leaves us back to trying to solve our own puzzles. That’s life right a puzzle? I have lost a few of my pieces that I know, so how do I get the whole picture? Intervention time for Bob. Sometimes I think I got lost along the way I have been blessed and beaten simultaneously. And I never know if at anytime I will be beaten to death or not. I have won every chess match so far and I don’t want another. I just want my blessing to be and happen for us. I have never been so close to completing my puzzle. At times it scares the hell out of me I am not used to having such a positive force in my life, in the bigger 32 year scheme of things. Some of my tightest friends know it all been there for me so, I am thankful. So don’t get in its way, and I say that to myself also. 4:22 PM Tuesday, February 28, 2006   2/27/06 Chemo is getting a little easier day by day. New diet is working out ok. It is hard to not snack on foods I am not sure about. 94 days to the wedding…. Tick tock tick tock. 5:25 PM Friday, February 24, 2006   2/24/06 I am starting my chemo today. I have never taken this drug before so I don’t know how I will react to it. . I have to follow a crazy a strict diet because this stuff reacts with most food. Pasta, Wheaties, Chicken, meat, cooked fruit and vege’s, whole grain stuff. Everything has to be less than 2 days from the store, processed foods, nuts, any caffeine all off the list. I just don’t want to have a severe reaction on top of the sickness I will feel on the drug. My last job stopped paying for my benefit’s so I have to pay them myself; they give you 18 months at $400 a month then they totally cut you off. It kind of wrecked my paying down my debt plan, but I have to stay healthy, and need the medical coverage, so at least for now I am happy to pay it. O.K. happy to pay it is stretching the truth, willing to pay it to stay healthy and out of poverty from medical bills. Got my taxes back from my accountant I will send them out today. The dogs are still living like kings. This weekend not much on tap because I have to see how I feel from this medication. So not a lot of good news this week, but I will take it is progression my condition, gives me something else to obsess about. 7:05 AM Tuesday, February 14, 2006   2/14/06 I am still waiting for blood levels to stabilize 105 days waiting so far. 108 days to our wedding, our invitations just came in. Dinner tonight: Appetizer: breaded and fried meat ravioli, Main Course: Broccoli and Cavatelli, Desert: Carrot Cake. Reservations are for those that can't work a kitchen Gift: Sunflower’s – our wedding flower, delivered to her work of course. And ½ her I Pod. Oh and the fruity part 75 heart shaped post-its all over the house with different messages on them. Sorry they broke the mold, I do have issues and a hole in my head where they took out countless marbles. OK bring on the you are a lame duck comments, and no don’t show up for dinner tonight….. just in the neighborhood crap. 4:30 PM Thursday, February 09, 2006   Proverb 17:17 A friend loves at all times And a brother is born for adversity. Proverb 17:22 A cheerful heart is a good medicine, But a downcast spirit dries up the bones. Proverb 18:24 There are friends who pretend to be friends, But there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother. 2:32 PM Wednesday, February 08, 2006   2/8/06 Proverb 12:4 A good wife is the crown of her husband Proverb 12:15 The way of a fool is right in his own eyes But a wise man listens to advice. 2:35 PM Tuesday, February 07, 2006   2/7/06 Proverb 6:32 He who commits adultery has no sense; He who does it destroys himself. Wounds and dishonor will he get, And his disgrace will not be wiped away. For jealousy makes a man furious, And he will not spare when he takes revenge. He will take no compensation, Nor be appeased though you multiply gifts. …You know who you are….. 7:11 PM Tuesday, January 31, 2006   1/31/06 My platlet numbers are about ½ way to recovery. And Fatboy wanted me to tell everyone boy’s got a thick and juicy back, because last time I had nothing heavy to write. Thanks Fatboy. Dogs still growing, nothing new there, rain one day 50’s the next day who slipped Mother Nature a Roofie (sp?). Heather was sick last weekend still a little run down, but she’s getting better. OK if you listen to the radio for music, which I don’t, this might kill you but I can just taste the 80’s in this song by Nickelback – Photograph: Look at this photograph Everytime I do it makes me laugh How did our eyes get so red And what the hell is on Joey's head And this is where I grew up I think the present owner fixed it up I never knew we'd ever went without The second floor is hard for sneaking out And this is where I went to school Most of the time had better things to do Criminal record says I broke in twice I must have done it half a dozen times I wonder if It's too late Should I go back and try to graduate Life's better now that it was back then If I was them I wouldn't let me in Oh oh oh Oh god I Every memory of looking out the back door I have the photo album spread out on my bedroom door It's hard to say it, time to say itGoodbye, goodbye Every memory of walking out the front door I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for It's hard to say it, time to say itGoodbye, goodbye Remember the old arcade Blew every dollar that we ever made The cops seen us hanging out They said somebody went and burned it down We used to listen to the radio And sing along with every song we know We said someday weíd find out how if feels To sing to more than just the steering wheel Kim's the first girl I kissed I was so nervous that I nearly missed She's had a couple of kids since then I haven't seen her since god knows when Oh oh ohOh god I Every memory of looking out the back door I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor It's hard to say it, time to say it Goodbye, goodbye Every memory of walking out the front door I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for It's hard to say it, time to say it Goodbye, goodbye I miss that town I miss the faces You can't erase You can't replace it I miss it nowI can't believe it So hard to stay So hard to leave it If I could I relive those days I know the one thing that would never change Every memory of looking out the back door I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom door It's hard to say it, time to say it Goodbye, goodbye Every memory of walking out the front door I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for It's hard to say it, time to say it Goodbye, goodbye Look at this photograph Everytime I do it makes me laugh Everytime I do it makes me 5:03 PM Friday, January 27, 2006   1/27/06 My numbers are still to low for treatment. Nothing else really new. Dogs growing in size. Nothing heavy to write today. 12:43 PM Thursday, January 12, 2006   1/12/06 Because of my past I have become very traditional in my views. My mother can be thanked for one thing making my life with women very difficult and trying at times. I have learned through torture at times that I don’t need to be put down by someone that disguises love for abuse. My father has shown me by example how to stand by people you care for during thick and thin. I have had something to do with learning all this through failed attempts in the past to have someone in my life that would validate my feelings inside. Soul mate stuff whatever you want to call it. I have that now and it’s great, not every minute is perfect, but the love we have brings us through any bumps. There is a lot of historical damage to me, but hell, who enjoyed their entire upbringings? I have been through some trying moments in the past 6 years. I have had friends come and go and other friends just get so much closer, those are the ones that count. And I have had the kindness of strangers disguised as their every day jobs; make a difference in my quality of life when the chips were down. Remember it’s not just me all anyone has is right now how you use, abuse, or waste it is up to you. Enjoy. 4:13 PM   1/12/06 55th day of a 42 day chemo cycle and I still don’t have steady blood numbers so I can take the 3rd drug of the 42 day cycle are you with me here. Just hovering over the run way with no end in sight. 3:04 PM